Westboro Baptist Church
“Our romance wouldn't have lasted anyway, Fredrica.”
“God hates fags”
“God hates Westboro Baptist Church”
“As it is written, Jacob have I loved, but Esau have I hated.”
“I hate everything. Seriously.”
“They might be just a little bit on the paranoid side, don't you think?”
“I didn't say I hate fags, I said I hate cigarette smoke. You misheard me.”
“There is no sin except stupidity. This lot are going to Hell.”
“If it happens to them, it's because God hates them. If it happens to us, it's because He loves us.”
“Even we think they're batshit insane.”
The Westboro Baptist Church is a religious establishment with a mild disdain for homosexual tendencies, Americans, Jews, caviar, Conservatives, Republicans, Christians, gay rights supporters, soldiers, politicians, Canadians, Muslims, the Chinese, interior decorators, and Sweden. They are in the response of a rejected acceptance to the KKK, who believed the church to be less gay than they are. Logically, it is located in Fageka, Fagsas, home to intelligent design and the rock super-group of the same name. The Church, which is rumored to have in excess of twelve members and to be growing by no less than none every year, is headed by misunderstood idiot-savant and knight-errant of goodness Fred Phelps, attorney-at-law, who originally turned in an application to join the KKK community college in San Francisco, but was rejected in favor that he was not white washed enough and had written on the line that said "PLEASE DO NOT WRITE HERE; OTHERWISE YOU ARE TOO STRAIGHT".
Under Phelps' utterly creative, sometimes incendiary and always visionary leadership, the Westboro Baptist Fag Church has successfully drawn the ire of pretty much everyone in the world. It has achieved this well-thought-out and beneficial aim by rejoicing at natural disasters, the spread of disease and other afflictions on humankind that are generally regarded by the rest of the world as a time for compassion and mourning.
Ironically, due to its obsession with celebrating misery (particularly with signs such as "GOD HATES YOU", "THANK GOD FOR DEAD SOLDIERS", or such signs as "HOMOSEXUALS ARE GAY"), the Church has itself in recent years invited what it considers unwelcome attention to its activities, including vicious beatings of its members, intermittent showerings of its compound with pig feces, and yet more vicious beatings of its members.
An avid hater of Sweden, the church nevertheless continues to buy all of its furniture from Ikea. When questioned on this topic Fag Phelps got stroppy, stormed out of the room and made some new signs, his favorite way to relax. Upon his return Phelps commented that "Ikea's prices are so low and their products so good, I mean God can just go fuck Himself if He thinks I'm passing up a six-dollar table just because Sweden loves fags. This is a nice table, man."
It should be noted that members of the Westboro Baptist Fag Church have a strange fetish for feces and semen, especially those from sodomites.
Also sodomy... These guys freaking love the stuff.
Among the recent findings unearthed in the process of making documentaries about the church - in particular, those by Louis Theroux - are the increased rumours that members of the church from around The World group together on the 66th, 166th, 266th (and on leap years, the 366th) day of the year to have a back-to-back wank with Satan.
- 1 A Great White Religion is Conceived in the back of a toyota, an Asian car
- 2 God hates JEW!
- 3 Inbreeding
- 4 Turn of the Century: The Shenanigans Continue in Earnest
- 5 Popular Musical Outreach
- 6 Westboro Fag Church in the Grand Scheme of Things
- 7 Philanthropy and Charity in Recent Years
- 8 Quotes on the Westboro Baptist Church
- 9 Fun Parody WBFC Websites
- 10 See Also
A Great White Religion is Conceived in the back of a toyota, an Asian car
In 1955, while being sodomized with no lube and just butter in a Fageka motel by a burly man known only as "Cletus the Fag", Fag Phelps had a vision of the Angel Conveniently Made Up. The angel admonished Phelps, saying unto him "Yea, for in the eyes of the Lord God fags are no good at all, and He hates fags, and thou art condemned to eternal hellfire for thy sinful buggery," Phelps, stunned, fell prostrate and begged the angel if there was no way to repent for his sins.
Thus questioned, the angel said, "Of course: as thy asshole hath offended the Lord our God, thou must become the largest asshole in the world to cleanse thy sinnery."
Phelps, thus charged by the angel, took the message to heart and finished his sodomy session without the customary reach-around and showed Cletus the door(after he showed him the back door). After cleaning up, Phelps set out to form a new ministry to spread the words of the vision he had received. However, having only a precious few words from the angel from which to make a covenant with the Lord, Phelps parsed the most valuable lesson he could wrap his IQ of
updownwards of 85 around:
- "God does not like fags in the least." But this had too many words, and eventually became "God hates fags."
From this inspired wellspring of divine inspiration, Phelps became a lawyer, then a mass-marketer, but then seemingly missed a golden oppurtunity by not becoming a televangelist. This would have easily allowed him to reach a wider audience and annoy the shit out of more people with his drastically oversimplified, even moronic interpretation of God's word, but Phelps clearly lost out on a marvelous chance to make himself and his ministry even more widely-loathed. (Citation Needed)
His tiny ministry established firmly in the sadist friendly basement of his modest Fageka home, Phelps set out to erase any trace of his previous dandy dalliances and married some homely mule, who would bear him upwards of nine proto-mongoloid children from which would come the primary "numerical" expansion of his ministry. However, this did not stop his inner sexual deviant from leaving the darkness and appearing in the light as his dabbles in sibling incest as a child, now turned into a full blown family affair. Phelps now had daily hardcore unprotected sex with all nine of his children sometimes throwing in his homely mule for good measure. We all know how that turned out.
God hates JEW!
Only a bunch of so-called "true" Christians feel that the Jews are hated by everyone, because the WBC wants to NOT send a welcome to anyone of the Jewish faith, race or persuasion. According to a "bible scholar" like Rev. Phelps, the Jews are responsible for the cruficixion of our lord and savior, as well they invented the evils god hates: Religions other than Christianity (except Jesus was a Jew through his Jewish mother and Mohammed studied the Holy bible to help write the Koran), Democracy, Capitalism, Communism, Socialism, Liberalism, Neo-Conservativism, Globalization, (Note the lack of Fascism in this list) Political Correctness and the "immoral decadent" mass media in the "Sodom and Gomorrah" place known as Hollywood and San Francisco, with their Khazar Semitic Zionist HQ located in New York City for the summer and Miami for the winter.
The leader of the Westboro Baptist Fred Church, Fag Phelps, does not allow members of his church to marry people outside of it. Since his church consists only of his family, this has led to many cases of incest and inbreeding, which might account for some of their behaviour and looks causing many Phelpsinites to look like Mennonites and Polygamy cult women without the head dresses and hairpins, no makeup included. However it is not known whether Fag Phelps is actually inbred or not, but he is verily known to have "incest dabbled" with his brothers and sisters when he was a child.
It is commonly accepted that many of his deranged spawn do exhibit classic signs of inbreeding, most notably cleft pallets, elephantitis of the testicles, lobster claw hands, clubbed feet, enlarged clitoris', lopsided breasts, sailors mouth, male pattern baldness, female pattern baldness, General Patton baldness, Christianity and standing in the street shouting abuse at random people. His cum spawn also starred in the films "Wrong Turn" and "Wrong Turn 2:Dead Ahead" without use of makeup or prosthetics, a few others starring this motley crew also are listed below. They were not paid for these projects, although future endeavors turned out much differently when Uncle Sam took notice, cancelled their Medicaid, and gave them official government support through Barack Obama's Obamacare.
All newborns in the group are expected to use "god hates fags" as their very first words. Any child not able to say this after they are 18 months old are looked upon as 'suspected out-breeds', taking down to Fag's BDSM bordello basement, and fed to Moloch, who coincidentally, stays there rent free. Fred Phelps is actively using substantial amounts of Westboro money to help research men being able to have wombs implanted. In the 70's he grew very frustrated with all the men he was having sex with and none of them produced children for him. He then discovered what the word homosexual meant and was deeply shocked when his mother told him the facts of life.
The Phelps family are currently undergoing extensive medical screening which was financed by their roles as supporting artistes in the remakes of 'The Hills Have Eyes' and it's sequel 'The Hills Have Eyes 2: Welcome To Westboro".
It is also common knowledge that once a year, the Westboro Blasphemy Circus participates in a church wide orgy. All resultant children are suspected to be those of the "Rimming Reverend" himself. There is only one way to tell if the cumspawn are Phelps' own and that is three sixes visibly raised on the scalp.
Turn of the Century: The Shenanigans Continue in Earnest
The turn of the century saw no change whatsoever from Phelps and his ministry, though at times they seemed directionless, picketing post office drop-off boxes, people walking dogs, and day-care centers for Fag children. Often Westboro Baptist Fag Church would protest the idea of protest itself, calling protest a "homosexual mentality" that nobody except Westboro Baptist Fag Church can use. Though a paradoxical viewpoint, they reconcile by protesting paradoxes too, stating that it was invented by the "homo-friendly Jewish-Muslim Catholic Atheist Liberal media" who like "sodomite-hamburgers!" (Read more below).
The media began to tire of Westboro's antics, and even people being actively picketed began to develop a robust tolerance of the ministry's hateful demonstrating. In a hand-held recording[that everyone wants to watch] of a McDonald's in Fageka being picketed by Phelps and his clan for serving "Fag hamburgers to fags", the manager of the franchise stands near the small cluster of Westboro protesters, shaking his head and smiling. The audio is muffled, but audible:
PHELPS ET AL: God hates you and your fag hamburgers!
MANAGER: Look, you guys are too much. Seriously.
PHELPS ET AL: God hates you and your fag hamburgers!
MANAGER: I'd ask you to leave, but...
PHELPS ET AL: God hates you and your fag hamburgers!
MANAGER: I'd ask you to leave, but I think you're attracting more patrons. Could I ask you to just keep it down while the customers enjoy some Big Macs and laugh at you?
PHELPS: You're going to hell, fag!
MANAGER: Look, I'm gay and I'm comfortable with it. I'd just ask you to please keep it down.
PHELPS: Sodomite! You're going to hell to burn with you and your fag hamburgers! None will be saved!
MANAGER: Thanks ever so much.
The video cuts out soon afterwards, but Phelps appears clearly flustered at his inability to rankle anyone, at one point hitting one of his children with his picket.
Popular Musical Outreach
The Westboro Baptist Church C.D. box set
As part of their major ongoing Mission to alienate every minority (especially Jews), majority (especially Fags), and sorority, (especially those Beta Gamma Gamma bastards) other than themselves the Westboro Baptist Church (WBC) have released a new C.D. Box set, in association with Time Life.
'Moaning Old Bastard Classics' The Limited edition WBC Compact Disc collection featuring Fag Phelps
"A classic set of compilation CD's from a moaning old Bastard." (Rolling Stone)
- Listen to those old time family favorites such as, "Liz Taylor is a Jew bitch slut",
- Romantic memories including, "Vile fags swarm around quilt like maggots",
- and who could forget, "Save the Gerbils...for my ass!"
So order now, for just $39.95 you can get this unique boxed set
And if you order with your WBC Credit card you can get this free bonus CD,‘Throne of iniquity’
-that includes everyone’s favorite hit, “The Queen of England is a Fornicator”
Coming Soon To a Soapbox Near You
Not available in stores
on June 6 2006, the WBC released a concert DVD WBC - Live From the Funeral of Some Random Fag featuring their single "Swedish Black Lesbian Woman (Stay Away From Me)".
The performance features Fred Phelps on lead vocals and the armpit. Shirley and her husband/cousin licked their forearms, pushed their lips up against them and blew on them for a more crisp, sharp accompaniment to the classic armpit. One of the young brainwashed boys graced the performance with his percussion skills, as Margaret and Fred Jr. pulled down their pants and served as the boy's ass-bongos. Margaret is credited with pioneering a new ass-bongo technique in this concert when she shaved one of her buttcheeks and left the other at its natural shag-rug length for sound variety. Margaret also provided background belching, while Fred Jr. provided a some sort of hybrid of yodeling and orgasmic moaning due to being spanked by the little boy the whole time.
In the DVD bonus interview, it is stated that they chose to perform at a funeral because that was they only way they could have an actual audience. Unbeknown to WBC, a third-party mobile phone video clip of the concert leaked onto the internet revealing the cameraman of the WBC concert holding up picket signs behind the camera to stimulate faux positive audience reactions, for example, "Do the wave if you want us to kill ourselves".
A New Beginning
Fortunately for Westboro, the events of September 11th, 2001 provided ample oppurtunity for Phelps and his brood to protest everything in America anew, especially those soldiers killed fighting the War on Terra.
Subsequently, the malaise towards Westboro that the public had been stricken with at the turn of the century gave way to more of a furious, fist-swinging anger, as the grief of familial loss combined with the sight of a dozen or so braying Midwestern jackasses with nonsensical, ludricrous signs proved too much for most to take.
To this end, Phelps and many members of the Church have suffered cuts, bruises, abrasions, Indian burns, titty twisters, wet willies, broken bones, sprains, dislocated shoulders, pinkbellies, purple nurples, lost teeth, venereal disease, gouged eyes, mouth rapings, lost self-esteem, curb stompings, and even the dreaded Rear Admiral. And sometimes these wounds are the result of people outside of the Phelps family. Though externally the repeated beatings (which are tacitly allowed by law enforcement across the country) seem to be dampening the malicious spirit of the Westboro Baptist Fag Church, Phelps (minus several teeth and with a severely shattered nose) continues to preach his special, pointless brand of religious hatred to anyone who will listen, which is currently his own family.
In early 2006, Phelps was seen marching around the Westboro complex wearing a suit made of bubble wrap, holding a sign aloft reading "God is a fag". It is not known if this sign signalled a daring new course of irrational hatred for Phelps and his ministry, for both Phelps and the sign were soon doused by one of the bi-weekly launchings of liquified pig feces delivered by catapult into the compound by members of the state-approved Douse Phelps With Pig Shit Society.
In June of 2006, Dayton, Ohio was named by the Westboro Baptist Fag Church's monthly publication "Fag Beat" as the "Gayest City in the Midwest".
The official doctrine of Westboro Baptist Fag Church is that everyone who is not a member of Westboro Baptist Fag Church is going to Hell. Not only this, but abstract ideas that aren't supported by WBFC are regarded as "homo mentality; the ideas will go to Hell. Even the idea of Hell itself will go to Hell if our ideas of Hell are believed by Jews*, Catholics, Methodists, Baptists not affiliated with us, Eastern Orthodox, Presbyterians, Anglicans, Lutherans, JW's (the well-dressed "witnesses" people knocking on private property doors speak for "Jehovah"), et al. In sum: WBFC believes that our beliefs are the only beliefs that aren't for n00bs. We consider ourselves a very reasonable people in this regard."
- - Since when Jews don't believe in Hell? They're going to hellfire.
Westboro Fag Church in the Grand Scheme of Things
Phelps and his Church are currently regarded by the denizens of the underworld as having a bright, if less than pleasant, future inhabiting the ninth level of Hell. Several cave rooms have been reserved for Fred and his clan, with all rooms including 72 gay virgins with assholes agape ready to be penetrated with Mid Western ears of corn.
Letter from Satan
Over a prolonged period of time, Satan - The Prince of Darkness - became tired and irate with this so called "Christian Community"'s attempts to promote unnecessary hatred towards the rest of mankind. The implication that God had taken over his job prompted him to write the Westboro Baptist Church a letter via their website.
"Name: I go by many names
Subject: I PLEDGE MY FULL SUPPORT TO YOUR CAUSE
GODHATESFAGS.COM is by far my favorite site on the Internet.
Just the title alone makes me jump with excitement and anticipation. GOD HATES FAGS. Wow, such hatred.... AND it implies that the statement is coming from the big cheese Herself. Since I was cast out of Heaven for rebelling against Her, all those eons ago, GOD has always preached nothing but love, acceptance and compassion in Her countless sermons (the ones those priest guys constantly rant on about). So in Her old age She seems to be contradicting Herself.... not that it bothers me. FINALLY She is seeing my way of life. But why stop there?
Since the beginning of time, I have made it my sole purpose to induce and support unconditional hatred throughout every demographic that exists. So naturally I am filled with JOY (my own dark kind) when I browse through your site. But honestly, who says that we should discriminate towards just homosexuals.... let's not stop there, GOD. So far you have jumped on board with Gays and Lesbians... but there is so much more work to be done.
Let me list for you (the enemies of the state-theocratic-kindgom of GOD):
Gays and Lesbians (you have my full support GOD).
Africans (the sons of the seed of Cain through his penny whore Lilith).
Caucasians, Asians, Europeans, Polynesians, Blacks and Hispanics.
Esp. the Coloreds, Negroes and Dark ones.
And the JEW!
Cowboys and Rednecks.
Orthodox Jews (God's chosen people).
Politicians and Socialites.
Truckers and Bikers.
Parents who spend their children's inheritances.
Parents who don't spend their children's inheritances (I don't like to discriminate).
Priests and holy men (let's include the Pope in that one too).
Muslims, remember GOD not your false idol ALLAH hates you.
Holy women (let's face it - there are some, no use pretending there aren't), this includes feminists and Sarah Palin.
EVERYONE that resides in Hollywood.
Tabloid newspaper editors and gossip columnists.
Abraham Lincoln, he's a negro-lover and played war NOT on god's side.
Thomas Jefferson, we call him JEWerson and he loved his nigra mistress.
Canadians (the farthest left anyone should go).
Anarchists, Buddhists, Christians, Communists, Communalists, Conservatives, Fascists, Feminists, Greens, Hindus, Liberals, Libertarians, Mexicans, Mormons, Muslims, Nationalists, Socialists and anyone else with or without a point of view.
Your Mom (hey, at least she was holy not to aborted you).
Your Dad (he ain't your pop, but so was Joseph raising baby Jesus).
That sludge that comes out of their vagina.
The "Untermenschen" of Irish, Italians, Greeks, Poles, Gypsies, Armenians and the French.
Australians (we forgot the smallest continent).
AND let's not forget - Fred Waldron Phelps, Sr.
Let's encourage all of the above to stand up for their own beliefs and work tirelessly until the end of their days promoting that anything and everything is wrong and should be quashed! Free speech and a person's right to choose is NOT their right and the entire world's population should bow down and worship me in my FIREY HELL for ALL TIME!
Or you could shut up and let me do my job.
Yours in flames,
Lucifer J Satan >:)
PS: Just to say, Grandpa Phelps is settling in well here, and has met a really nice young man by the name of Milo. Pity you can't see the wedding."
Philanthropy and Charity in Recent Years
In recent years, Fred Phelps has made it his duty to picket the concerts of all musical artists who condone "fag-livin'", as he so eloquently puts it. He has gathered much support with signs such as "GOD HATES GLAM ROCK" and "GOD HATES FREE BIRD". He encourages his grandchildren to picket the concerts of Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus, because their songs "One Less Lonely Gay" and "Party in the Gay.S.A." encourages fag behavior among youngsters. Through such bold, daring, and moral escapades as these, the Fred Phelps has now raised enough money for his new charity, known as GOD HATES LOVE. He believes that through this philanthropic and caring gesture, he will be able to spread hate so far across the world that would make Hitler, Mao, Stalin, and Mussolini cringe at the thought of it. Most recently, Westboro Baptist Church proved how out of touch with reality and how uncool and unmetal they were by picketing the late great Ronnie James Dio's memorial service. Ronnie's family and thousands of metalheads and fans gathered at a sports stadium to celebrate his life as an amazing vocalist and outstanding charity giver. Westboro stood out front with signs such as "DIO IN HELL" and "GOD HATES DIO". What amazed the world was instead of thousands of metalheads moshing Fred Phelps and his clan into oblivion, sadly not one WBC member was harmed. Instead they were ignored almost completely which visibly infuriated Fred and his clan to the point of leaving almost immediately. Shirley "I look like Chop Top from Texas Chainsaw Massacre" Phelps' husband, Cack was present who shit his pants.
Quotes on the Westboro Baptist Church
“I guess they like to put on their signs, "God hates Fags,". *Sob, Sob*. I'm so emo right now.. Nobody loves me!!!”
“I'm touched that they've taken time out of their busy schedule to hate me, but don't they have something better to do?”
“Fear is the path to Heaven. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate... leads to Heaven.”
“(Tons of squealing and jumping on Oprah Winfrey's Couch)”
“These people have raised the bar on reaction formation. In layman's terms, this church is more flaming than a San Francisco Speedo store. ”
“The Westboro Baptist Fag Church hate me: I'm not sure whether it's because I am homosexual, literate, smoke cigarettes or because they think I'm sexy.”
“The Lord said that those who speak His word and carry out His message shall be hated and condemned. We are hated and condemned, ergo we must be speaking his word!”
“Westboro Baptist Church? I love those guys! I received my first donkey punch at one of their sermons. Well, when I say 'first' I really mean one hundred and first. Aww Screw it...they hate me too.”
“Some men aren't after anything logical like money. They can't be bought, bullied or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.”
“OK, so they're assholes, but that ginger one from the Louis Theroux documentary would be worth a stab if she'd just shut the fuck up.”
“Ya'll know what I think...it's a wrap.”
“I'm really going to Falcon Punch them someday...really.”
“I'll kill those all of those fuckers with nothing more than a hammer.”
Fun Parody WBFC Websites
The God Hates Fags website has achieved sufficient notoriety to be parodied with at least five independent domain names:
- God Hates Rags: a parody protesting hand puppets, specifically the Muppets (features a spoof counter showing the time Jim Henson has "been in Hell")
- God Hates Shrimp: a parody protesting the eating of shrimps and similar sea creatures, based on Old Testament provisions that such animals were unclean
- Shirley Phelps Roper: Shirley gets damned to Hell on MySpace
- The Eastboro Baptist Church: a parody which follows the exploits of the fictional Eastboro Baptist Church of Topeka Kansas in their continuous struggle to be more hateful than their Westboro rivals)
- God Hates DDT Radio: a hilarious Episode of DDT Radio where Comedian Lee Greenfield interviews Shirley Phelps-Roper
- The Landover Baptist Church A parody of Independent Baptist institutions like Westboro
- Westboro rehearses judgment day providing stand-ins for 'Silent Hill.'
- Fred Phelps
- God Hates Fags
- inbreeding defects
- Shirley Phelps-Roper
- brain washers
- brain damage
- mental illness
- mental disorder
- World's Greatest Asshole Competition
- God Hates Sheep
- Fleetwood Bible Church
- Jack Chick
- God Hates Australia