What I Didn't Know about Romania
Alpha and Omega of Romania
1st World War
We, as nation always fought against turkeys, them being our biggest problem. We managed to survive until the 19th century, and in 1916 under the leadership of "Carol I de Hohenzollern" we joined the war, and not because we wanted to because we got forced by the Hungarian cause they gave us candy. We luckily made it through and we were on the winners side, but it was just a coincidence. We fought with courage and spoons as we were sort of, poor.
World War the 2nd
We got URSS and Germany demanding some of our country part and because we were scared as f*ck we gave them what they wanted. Afterward, we decided is better to join the war and we been a war slut. We joined the Axis, then the Allies and then the Axis again, suckin' them all like a real bitch. So we mainly sucked URSS, Germany, Italy and afterwards the Netherlands cause they were nice with us, even tho they were totally neutral that attracted the "bitch" Romania.
Celebrations and National Holidays
The Floods “The Floods” are Romanian national holidays. They are celebrated every year by gypsies, sometimes several times per year. Romania has five hundred holy holidays per year, out of which only a maximum of 200 are floods.
The priests declared The Floods holy after their church went on a trip to the sea side with the hill it was built on.
The Floods represent the close relationship between humans and nature (no, it doesn’t mean that they are human nature itself). The Floods happen in other countries, but only in Romania they are celebrated so grimly and with so much showiness that they recently become national holy days. The people of Romania are very proud of these floods, that recently the government has created a pressure group in the European Union forums to buy the patent on The Floods so that, if others countries want to have Floods, they must pay an enormous amount of money to Romanian people. The church declared The Floods holy and is against it.
The Floods are maintained by “shpaga” (bribe), corruption, propaganda and popular vote (Romania is a democracy, isn’t it?). The mechanism is the following: a local governor takes “shpaga” from a company (more often the company belongs to the Minister of Environment or his wife); the company ensures the corrupted governor that he will make the improvements of the beds of the rivers “de mantuiala” (what is "de mantuiala"... it's something like... peeing against the wind while wearing your best pants OR stepping in something brown and moist and bragging about your new shoes) and cut down all the trees from the surrounding areas so that “The Floods” take place at least one year. Are you still following? During “The Floods” the Prime Minister appear on TV wearing rubber-boots and impressing the people. At the elections the people vote for him and this way the local governor and the minister are kept in function to prepare next year “Floods”. Simple and efficient!
During “the Floods” all social and professional categories in Romania are participating
1) The country-people. They are the “stars” of all these days because they directly participate in the “actions”. The younger-ones flee from the water as fast as they can, leaving their parents with their animals behind. The 30-50 years old people untie the cattle, the horses and the dogs and then they flee too, cats and other critters being expendable. The elder ones, if they are not fast enough to catch a horse or a cow, they ascend on the roofs, waiting for the wave to come. The oldest of the oldest remain in their homes waiting for the waters and politicians to come and wash their brains. There is a special category of country people, the enterprising-ones, who "ciordesc" (see "Ciordeala") the goods of the ones who fled.
2) The urban-people. They are the passive-aggressive category. They stay in homes and watch TV. “The Floods” are transmitted live by Catalin Radu Tanase (a.k.a. Dezastre), best known for transmitting live from Kennedy's assassination, Iraq's invasion and the resurrection of Michael Jackson. The most of them spend the 10-15 minutes after the transmission cursing the authorities because they cannot participate directly to the events. Sometimes some of the local governors take “shpaga” from certain companies closely related to PSD (Pink Socialist Party), giving them in return the honor to prepare the field and the rivers for next year Floods, so that the cities too can enjoy The Floods.
3) Mass-Media. Mass-Media in Romania takes the opportunity to earn some money by improving the audience. They send Catalin Radu Tanase to the place of action, he takes the scuba-diving suit and a gun (just in case) and makes live transmissions on TV. He likes to stay half-submerged while broadcasting. The public in Romania can hardly wait for a volcano eruption.
4) Politicians. The politicians are the other active category in “The Floods”, but they are more sophisticated. They appear at the place of the action only if Mass-Media and Catalin Radu Tanase are there. Their “job” is to walk in rubber-boots impressing both country and urban people and to make promises that “The Floods” will take place next year too. And they do!
5) Business people. Let's say you are a business man from Bucharest (if you're not from Bucharest, you moved to Bucharest some time ago to do business). Let's then assume you tried some 40 years ago four times to finish your third grade and didn't manage it (4 times 3 makes 12, you're already done with school, right?). That's no problem in Bucharest! Just arrange the following with your best buddy you know from your second-time third grade, who is something between "minister for education, family, forest, European Affairs and church" and prime-minister: this friend of yours gives you some three billion euros (or dollars, doesn't matter) from the ministry funds for education (or something else, it really doesn't matter what the money was for) and you give nobody nothing in return. The only thing you have to take care of is distracting the people from noticing this great deal - so you organize a flood. The Romanian people do enjoy seeing other Romanian people losing everything they have more than seeing themselves betrayed by the people they voted for and, of course, will vote for again during the next elections.
6) Poets and priests. They chant and enchant The Floods so that they keep coming. They are the main category responsible for the misery of others, because their chanting puts the forest trees' roots to sleep, making the soil unsteady, deranged and prone to natural disasters like cash-flow.
Mintrubbing (see here mintrubbing)
Tzeapa From Dracula's favourite toy, tzeapa (impale) is now a very nice piece of Romanian folklore. Romanian people can give you such thing before you know it but nothing is more likely to happen while one's in Ploiesti the capital of PH county ... PH is the short of "Patria Hotilor" (thief's country). Also known as "bone" in English.
- Tzepesh (the impaler)
- Dracula's real name, he used "tzeapa" to kill lots of Turks who use to bore to death Romanian people in the dark ages with their futile expansionist attempts.
Tzepesh the impaler was the original pornographer. He has used humongous wood "tzepe" to punish real hard Turk invaders, criminals and thieves. Pornography has since inspired many movies and has finally become an international cultural phenomenon.
Ciordeala Ciordeala is the noun for the verb "a ciordi" which means to steal, to jack. Ciordeala is a national sport practiced every day and every night. There are various forms for "ciordeala" and those who don't practice "ciordeala" practice for sure other sports like "manareala":
1. Jacking your people and the economy - is the exclusive attribute of the government and other structures. The leaders are also known as "Dinosaurs" and include Miron Mitrea, Ion Iliescu, Rodica Stanoiu, Dan Ioan Popescu, Pajiste (brainless zombie) and other members of the structures. Punishment - They are forced to transfer all the stolen money outside the country (ouch!!!!)
2. Stealing from your neighbour - most preferred are goods like chicken or horseshit. Punishment - at least 3 years time. (compare with no. 1)
3. Corporate jacking - you act like you work, they act like they pay you. - aka "stealing your own hat" (sa-ti furi singur caciula)
4. Others - American style (bank robbing and shit), Gypsy style (ciordeala in the bus, in the tube etc.), etc etc etc (Romanian people are very inventive so the list goes on)
5. Romanians also like taking advantage of the inferior race called Americans... Example: Getting money from stupid American credit card owner or selling aircraft on eBay to intelligent Americans that think this deal is real...
The other form ( and more advanced)of " ciordeala" is what a group of men are doing with a rifle,"pump-action" and other scary guns.This men are also named "racheti" and are originally from Moldova (U.R.S.S.-United Russian Simple Shit).They are organized in a group with various names such as: "turma", "haita"...Their actions emulate those of Robin Hood but in a more chaotic fashion.They steal from anyone and don't give anything to anybody. They are sometimes called "fratii nostri de peste Prut" ("Our brothers from over the Prut river" - The Prut is the river that divides Romania from the Republic of Moldavia). So if you plan on visiting Romania you must carry a rocket-launcher or come with an Apache helicopter. From us, best regards!Please visit us!!Your cars are already here, anyway.
And you should know that the government is punishing CIORDEALA very hard. Because they hate to have competitors.
Romania is a world with absolutely no speed limits. It's a country full of Michael Schumachers Valentino Rossis, and Tudor Fils. The only rule is: there are no rules and only the best survives. Romanian drivers are not superstitious, they don't believe in signs (road-signs), or working brakes, so you better not be a pedestrian (they're not superstitious either, but i never heard of a pedestrian smashing into a vehicle, only the opposite). If you try to switch lanes don't EVER give a signal, you will only let the others know what you want to do so they can block you. Just switch the lane and give the signal after (so the Garcea officer can see you tried at least). When Romanian drivers immigrate to North America, their favourite car is a white mid-90's Ford Taurus. Romanian drivers have the unusual habit of slowing down when they see a white vehicle parked on the roadside (even more so if the words "ECILOP"/"AITILOP" are written on it). If you see a driver with his neck on the steering wheel... well... it's not HIS neck, it's HER neck. Watch out... women don't switch lanes, they just drive on both of them at the same time... to make sure they don't hit something on the roadside (which they do anyway, cuz they will have to park the car eventually). If you see a car parked by an angle of more than 30` to the sidewalk, you can be sure SHE did it. Don't try to tell someone (driver or pedestrian) he's wrong. You'll get to hear a lot of words referring to reproductive organs and close relatives or even get a physical correction! Another Romanian driving habit is to listen to a loud and distorded form of music called manele. It is said to endow the driver with ultra-high reflexes and a loose mouth (slobod la gura). Romania is also the only country in the world where you can see a horse or donkey-driven carriage next to a Porsche Cayenne. If you think that carriages are ugly, you don't have to worry about seeing them at night, because they have absolutely no lights whatsoever. Some models have sophisticated cabins made of an old car, fitted with a steering wheel, cassette player and even a alarm. (But no lights!) Also here in Romania it is very TARANESC - "Tzaranesc - Something really cool, but pretty basic, in order to be understandable by the peasants (redneckish)." to put neon lights under your car, even if by that you double the value of the car. Also you can meet various forms of home made aillerons - even made from wood and painted in a different colour than the car - that should improve handling performances of the car (even if the car would reach 70 km/h only down the hill), and they are usually combined with that strange form of music combined with very much noise and special distortion from car speakers - very low price combined with "good quality" - MANELE. Nowadays it's a must to have a sticker on your car as a proof of your tuning ... RIEGER, ZENDER are very common... and some white stripes (Viper Style stripes). If u have all the above and you don't have some extra lights on your car than all your work has been in vain. For that purpose you can use light bulbs designed for home use, leftover Xmas lights etc. The height of elegance for a car is to have curtains and a dog in the rear window bouncing his head. Also if you don't wear a couple of big fake-gols bracelets on both hands, and very big rings - "GHIULURI" (also something TARANESC; they are hand made by nomad gypsies from at least half a kilo of gold, in unique models that look very shitty), there's a great chance that a guy with a strange looking uniform, driving the car marked with ECILOP/AITILOP on the hood, will stop you and ask you for SHPAGA. And you should know that GHIULURI must be combined with at least two golden teeth - fitted in a very very visible place in your mouth so everybody can see how rich you are.
A new rule for some special Romanian drivers... if u have a Logan car (basically this is a tuna fish can with some stupid wheels) you can drive on the middle of the road... and try to stop others from passing you. Ambulances and other emergency cars must never be allowed to pass you... If you make a mistake and someone tells you that, you just use your middle finger to say you're sorry... even if you know that you are a looser and someday you will be beaten for this smart and kind gesture...
Driving In Bucharest easy steps :
- if the street is full, drive on the sidewalk.
- if the sidewalk is full, go on the local river(Dambovitza), it has three speed lines.
- if you're lost, ask a local show you the way. Hint: always take the opposite direction.
- if you are getting stopped by street police due to traffic misconduct, tell them your uncle is a senator or bribe them.
- if you don't have a donkey where the front of your car is supposed to be, you'll get jacked.
- if you are waiting for some pedestrians to cross the street at the street crossing, it is polite to start a conversation (as you'll have plenty of time) - for example:
- if one of the pedestrians is a man and he has buried his hands inside his jeans pockets, you could say something like "Bai, scoate mainile din buzunar ca-ti mananca pula unghiile." which means "Sir, have a great day, thank you for your existance"
- if one of the pedestrians is a woman, you can start a conversation by saying something like "Bai muie, misca-te mai repede ca masina asta calca nu fute!" which means "Hi! I'll be glad to give you a lift!".
- the only rules of driving in Bucharest are the above rules. However, if you're not careful while driving in Bucuresti, you might get a mooje (muie). Or end up in "Petrosani", a.k.a. shithole. The sister city of "Petrosani" is the well known Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Hint: Petrosani is located in the Transylvannia region like Pennsylvania. Resemblance? None at all...
- and last but certainly not least, you can't be a proper Romanian driver if you can't swear properly. And you definitely can't be a Bucharest driver without being able to swear for 30 minutes without repeating yourself. No problem, you can learn that very easy from local tv, they're teaching the kids this way. For new drivers just getting their license swearing courses are available at the local training school. The driving exam may or may not contain a mandatory swearing exam.