What happened to you last night
"That person? Yeah... I remember. Sort of reminded me of a worn out nail. Never seen anything else that hammered."
~ Oscar Wilde when asked about you
The events of what happend to you last night are sketchy at best. It seems that around 10:00 pm, you and some buddies decided to go to that club downtown, you know, that club you guys are always going to. Pre-drinking may have occurred though authorities have not been able to confirm this with any accuracy.
--11:00P.M.-- You and your buddies reached the club. Twenty minutes later after a few drinks, you were introduced to your first shot of tequila, at which you were utterly disgusted, yet then proceeded to take two more shots. Security camera footage at around 11:45 shows you on the dance floor performing moves and drooling at the same time.
--12:15A.M.-- One of your buddies offered to drive you home. You agreed but got lost somewhere in the parking lot and ended up at the 24 hour McDonalds across the street ordering a Happy Meal. After throwing up on the counter, the night shift manager graciously called you a taxi.
--Some Time-- Details after this point are sketchy. The taxi driver drove you to what he thought was your home, based on what was written on your driver's licence. He apparently was not aware it was one of your friends' you were using as a fake ID.
--1:02, or whatever time the fuzzy dice show-- Dazed and somewhat sore both from the alcohol and the "payment" for the ride home you call the number written on your forearm only to realize it is not an english speaking number. you proceed to vomit and walk home.
--2:08A.M.-- You received a phone call from a person you didn't recognize. After "Jimmy" was unable to give a satisfactory answer about the reasons your life had to suck so bad at that point, you were invited to a barbecue at "Jimmy's" house.
--5:46A.M.-- This time the taxi was able to get you where you needed to be. Over the hours following, you learned that Jimmy was your only true friend in the world and that you weren't actually going to see any of the money you sent to Nigeria.
--3:54P.M.S.-- This part you should remember, as this is exactly the moment that you woke up naked on the sidewalk, on top of the remnants of a broken bottle of scotch. According to all accounts, the scotch was yours, and nobody else started the night with herpes.