Wheeling Jesuit University/People/Io the Invincible

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Io the Invincible

Supposedly this depicts Io the Invincible in Big Wheeling Creek. Why he’d be swimming in that cesspool, no one knows.

Publisher WJU Saga
First appearance 1899
Created by Churchill Society, Wheeling
Real name Stan the Make-believe Man
Status Forgotten
Affiliations None
Previous affiliations Little Children Everywhere
Notable aliases None
Notable relatives The Boogyman; Santa; Fixed Tuition.
Notable powers Being really, really, busy; invincibility.

Io the Invincible is Wheeling Jesuit University’s only imaginary and possibly the least controversial president since the hand over of the school from the Dschinghis Khan Protectorate.

A Myth is Born[edit]

With the sudden murder of Father Jazzman at the hand of fellow Jesuit Hackslayer in 1899, the WJU Board of Governors was left with a problem. The issue of succession had not been touched upon since it was known that all Jesuits are Immortal, and the question of a possible assassination never crossed their minds. Fearing that a new candidate could be rejected and that the system could then very well fall apart, the board opted to instead create a fictitious persona that no one could refute since they would be unable to actually meet and interact with this "person". Hoping that this 'hands off' approach would solve their problems, on October 25, 1899 the board announced that "Father" Io was to be named the second president of the university. The board then went back to their usual business, assuming that people would give up looking for Io after a while and go back to their work.


It became clear shortly after his installment that Io was not working out like the board planed. Students and faculty began to protest the fact that not only could they not see the president, several angry mobs had been unable to find him anywhere. They assumed that he had fled town and wanted the board to do something about it. Moving quickly, the board asserted that Io was in fact very busy negotiating the perils of the African Congo in search of cure for an unknown illness that was sweeping across the area. They said he would return soon with a cure and that they shouldn’t worry about anything, even if they did look a little sickly. The crowd broke up and spent the next few days asking one another if they looked OK and trying to figure out if their foot did in fact fall asleep or if it was about to fall off. About a week later the "cure" was distributed around campus in the form of hotdogs…ones that were in all likelihood, leftovers from the eating contest several weeks prior.

When asked where Io was so that they could thank them, the students were informed that he was much too busy sorting out "all the official business and stuff that the president needs to take care of". When asked if he too had received the cure, the board told the students that Io was in fact, invincible and that there was no need for it. They repeated this fact many times in the hopes that the students would feel less confident in trying to take on someone who was invincible. I mean, who would do that? It was around this time that the title of Father was almost entirely dropped in common usage for Io.

The Land of Make-believe[edit]

Io's term lasted eight years and during that time little changed or happened on campus. The board made a few minor changes, most notably hiring even more staff to cover the fact that there was no president. In fact, the board was hesitant to hire anyone for any office with the title of president, lest the student be reminded of it and start asking questions again. The residue of this policy can be seen in the fact that no department on campus actually has a department head. For example, there was a Vice-President for Student Affairs, but there was no President. With the status quo intact, the board began to shop around for a real replacement for Father Jazzman. Several candidates presented themselves but it would eventually Father Haig who would take the office. Io was quietly phased out and Father Haig was installed as WJU’s third president in 1907. The board never gave a reason for Io’s departure other than "he had other things to do".


During those eight years many on campus attempted to prove Io’s existence or that they had in fact, met the incredibly busy president. Several of the faculty also claimed that Io had made time for them, as if to indicate how important they were. It became rather popular for students to claim to see a fast moving shadowy figure on campus and to this day some believe that Io is still lurking about since, in all probability, he is too busy to die.


The board always claimed Io was invincible but never provided any concrete evidence on how this was known. Of course, over time many other powers have been assigned to Io, among them the ability to speed up or slow down time. This of course is a rationalization for the fact that he was apparently so busy, but it’s probably just a load of shit anyway.

Preceded by:
Father Jazzman
President of WJU
1899 - 1907
Succeeded by:
Father Haig