Who Shot the Sheriff?

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“I shot the sheriff. But I did not shoot the deputy.”

~ Eric Clapton on Who Shot The Sheriff

“I shot the sheriff. But I did not shoot the deputy.”

~ Bob Marley on Who Shot the Sheriff

“Paris Hilton in the library with a candlestick.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Who Shot the Sheriff?

Even after plaguing the minds of over 37.6 people for the past 30 or so years, the unsolved mystery of "Who Shot the Sheriff?" still hasn't been solved.


It seemed that the culprit to the heinous crime was none other than Bob Marley, as pointed out in his famous song, The Eye of The Tiger. Authorities soon seized Marley and charged him for shooting the Sheriff. He was immediately convicted by a hung jury and sentenced to four weeks community service at the local Tiger Opticians in Plymouth, Massachusetts.

The crime seemed closed until 1974, when Eric Clapton produced brand new and startling evidence inferring that he himself, in fact, shot the Sheriff. (As a parenthetical side note, Clapton immediately denied complicity in the seemingly unrelated case of the Deputy's grisly demise some time earlier.)

Forensic analysis, after the fact[edit]

Forensic scientists were now baffled; at first the guilty party seemed obvious enough, but what with the new evidence brought forward by Clapton, the murder case now turned into a gigantic human-sized version of Clue™. The scientists took it in turn to make all kinds of wild guesses on who shot the Sheriff, including:

Scientists did not believe that any sort of gun was involved in the shooting of the Sheriff, despite the rather large number of bullet wounds in the Sheriff's chestal region and Clapton's portable arsenal of smoking firearms.

New leads in the case[edit]

After another three minutes of poking the deceased Sheriff with a pointed stick, a letter floated in through the window and landed in the hands of the scientists. They quickly opened up the letter and found it had nothing whatsoever to do with the criminal investigation. So, being the clever science people they are, they turned the paper into two pieces of paper and started to make humorous drawings of male genitals on each sheet. After several hours of this unproductive amusement, they returned to the problem at hand.

Outsider help[edit]

For more untold hours, the scientists racked their brains trying to figure out who REALLY did shoot the Sheriff. Totally stumped, they eventually called upon the famous criminal mathematician Nietzsche who, after a quick viewing of the crime scene, managed to deduce the following mathematical theorem:

Nietzsche managed to solve more of the crime in 13 seconds than what it took 14 scientists 1,400 scientist-hours to work out. Still, many unasked questions plagued the investigators, until their mothers called them in for cookies and strawberry milk.

So the ultimate question remains: "Who shot the Sheriff?"