Whup-Ass

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Del Monte brand Whup-Ass.
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Whup-Ass.

Whup-Ass is a chemical compound that simulates a beat-down.

History[edit]

Originally discovered in 1743, it severely injured the chemist who first figured out the recipe. The event so scared him that he chose not to reveal the secret to anyone. Upon his death, his children eagerly sold the recipe to the highest bidder.

From 1780 to 1953 whup-ass was rarely used, as it had a tendency to go off as soon as it was created. This generally resulted in the person who wanted to use the whup-ass getting a vicious smackdown from his own mixture. It was occasionally used as a trap, but it was largely ineffective. Finally, canning genius Del Monte found a way to safely contain Whup-Ass, although he used this for evil purposes.

Whup-ass was still considered to be dangerous to the user, and although the military could now manufacture Whup-Ass Grenades it was not the most effective form of weaponry. Studies by the armed forces concluded that between a Whup-ass grenade and a regular grenade, the regular grenade actually causes more damage. The Whup-ass grenade tended to leave an odd residue too, which 9 out of 10 adversaries said stained their clothes, much to their chagrin.(See reference 1.)

The big breakthrough came in 1995, when the Del Monte canning company (now no longer associated with the Supervillain that brought the company to power) came out with a much less potent mixture of Whup-Ass in easy to open pull-tab cans. This allowed the user to point the can of Whup-Ass at his or her opponent before opening, preventing the backlash that had been common up until this point.

Wimpy Japanese whoop-ass, bwahaha!

Near the end of WWII, the Japanese developed many weapons in desperation of imminent US smackdown. Although they were not able to acquire the formula to Whup-Ass, they did manage to obtain a sample. They were never able to fully synthesize it, but did come up with a very weak substitute which they called "buji fan zaki" (Lit: tickle your butt). It was, however, unsuitable for any combat purposes.

In 1957 the substance was re-discovered, and in the capitalist nation of Japan, it was marketed as a soft drink. It was named Whoop-Ass to prevent trademark infringement on the product manufactured by the Del Monte Weapons Division. It enjoyed moderate popularity in Kansas and Spain before being discontinued in 1971.

However, today the name has become a generic label for any type of drink or weapon involving anal interaction. Products labeled whoop rather than whup are likely to contain impurities, and can be dangerous. They can often result in misfires, massages, excessive burping, or weak attempts at a beat-down.

Spray Can Variety[edit]

A Spray Can of Whup-Ass has been forumlated, first discovered when an elderly crone in the Peak District tried to prevent her cat from pissing on her walls. This is a commonly used form of Whup-Ass generally used by Ghetto boys. It can be disguised in ordinary spray paint.

Formula[edit]

The formula for Whup-ass had long passed into the public domain, but in the interest of national security, each of the G8 nations have hidden the last remaining copies in secure storage. Despite this, many attempts have been made to homebrew Whup-ass, with painful results.

Common consensus among chemistry enthusiasts suggests that Whup-Ass is some mixture of Tungsten, Hypophosphorous acid and Arsenic Sulfide. It's chemical formula would therefore be W H3OOP As2S3.

A suitable, though far less potent, substitute for Whup-Ass is listed below.

  • 1 lb of pwnage
  • 2 cups of pain
  • 3 teaspoons of humiliation
  • slowly stir in 1 oz of hardcore until the mixture turns red
  • carefully, pour into a bottle or can (with a lid!); try not to upset it
  • seal the container. DO NOT SHAKE.

Great at parties.

The main ingredient, known as "pwnage", comes from the leaves of a plant known as "beating flower". The flower, while beautiful, produces a smell similar to sweat. The flower can be found on only one location in the world, a country called Kickassistan.

Kickyaassintine[edit]

While most rely on others to produce Whup-Ass, by the recipe way, there are a select few individuals whose bodies naturally produce Whup-Ass. It is hormone known as "Kickyaassintine".

Individuals, dead or alive, born with this hormone include:

-Chuck Norris

-Bruce Lee

-Clint Eastwood

-John Wayne

-Chuck Liddell

-David Caruso

-Jack Bauer

References[edit]

1. From the survey Bataille de poteau aper├žu (Post-battle Questionnaire) conducted routinely in most French military operations between 1967 and 1984.

The chick from The Ring prepares to open a can of whoop-ass.
The counterfet version of whup-ass known as whoop-ass. The popular drink of God-Fearing Republicans.