Afflicting thousands of sex-trade workers, initially in arctic and sub-arctic climates, whore frost is a terminal condition causing much anxiety to the whores who are at risk of being exposed; and even greater distress and frustration for the millions of men who may never experience the fulfillment and delight of schtumphing an eighty pound, skanky, diseased, crack addict, before this horrible affliction spreads and causes the extinction of hookers worldwide.
Originally thought to be simply the effects of long-term exposure to subzero temperatures on scantily-dressed, poorly nourished women, it was eventually discovered, during the mid-twentieth century, that WF is actually caused by prions originally hosted by bearatross. Although most reputable scienticians and epidemiologists have accepted the prion theory, some have proposed another possibility.
For as long as sex has been a marketable commodity, cases of WF have been occurring, most commonly in higher latitudes. Women of the night would occasionally be found, dying or dead, spreadeagled on a snowbank, covered in a fine layer of frozen condensation. Within hours or days, she would be dead, never waking, despite any course of treatment attempted.
In 1942, after fleeing nazi Germany, a physician of Chinese descent, Hung Weibig Joo-Man, settled in Canada's far north and established a charitable clinic that served, among the honest labourers, local craftsmen, and other unfortunates, a majority of the local prostitutes. An African/Inuit woman named !Toymukluk was found collapsed behind the clinic's transformer (a 3 phase transformer: ambulance, 200 tonne battle-mech, or Big Freakin' Gun™) It was immediately assumed that Terry, the ambulance driver, having over-indulged in Canada's national flower, had backed over her while the transformer was in it's ambulance phase. (It was later determined that she had over-indulged in Canada's national flower, and seeking heat, had mistaken the transformer for a warm electrical one.)
She was well known to the clinic staff, and was immediately admitted to the ICU. Uniquely, she briefly regained consciousness before death, and was able to relate an account of the events prior to her collapse. The facts were remarkable, and led eventually to a better understanding of the disease's process. Dr. Joo-Man happened to have a wire recorder in his possession, and recorded her tale. Following are transcripted excerpts:
. . . well, I was comin' back from Logluk's igloo on my way to the vendor, eh? I jus' walked across the river, I was climbin' the bank to the 'otel. . . and (gasps) he. . . comes at me an' knocks me into a snowbank. . . . . . fifteen foot tall he were, and musta weight nine hunnert pounds, eh? He jus' t'rew me doon on that snowbank, and started to pleasure hisse'f on me. . . . . . I nivver knowed that bear'tross got them kinda urges 'bout women. . . Oh. . . OH! . . I'm gonna cum again jus' thinkin' 'bout it. . . do you fellers got 'ny vegables? P'raps a nice big carrot or cucumber? . . Or wine bottles? A baseball bat? . . . Chevy Nova? OooOoooo. . .
The remainder of the recording consists of heavy breathing, screaming, and occasional outbursts of "Omygod omygod omygod omygod!" !Toymukluk lapsed into a coma shortly after, and died two days later on 4 December 1942 at 16:20GMT. It is generally agreed among those present that her passing, while not entirely peaceful, was as far from painless as conceivable, judging from the writhing, gasping, moaning and twitching. Her spent remains were left to the clinic by her family, as an aid to researching the cause and cure of WF.
The Beginnings of Understanding
The team at the Joo-Man clinic now understood the beginnings of the disease, but had limited funding and equipment to carry out any further research. Due partly to this, and partly to Dr. Joo-Man's classical greek education, a series of "thought experiments" were proposed and considered. The most famous of these was "Joo-Man's Bear," which stipulated the following:
Consider a horny bear and a naked, ovulating hooker that are sealed in a room, separated by a glass partition. The glass partition has affixed to it a mechanism which will break the glass if it detects radoactive decay from a "Bay City Rollers" album placed near a geiger counter. It is common knowledge that Bay City Rollers music has a half-life of slightly less than half an hour (like that of all "boy-bands", past and present.) If the room is opened after half an hour, is the hooker dead or alive?
This experiment proved absolutely nothing, but was a great topic of conversation while sitting in the ambulance smoking pot with Terry, who never failed to get the giggles from pondering the scenario. On the only occasion the experiment was actually tried, upon opening the room the bear and hooker had disappeared, and had been inexplicably replaced by a half-dead cat. Upon checking the cat's collar, he was found to belong to an "E. Schrödinger" of Austria, and returned forthwith. The reward for the missing cat was promptly squandered on pizza and beer.
Over the next several years, the team published many papers outlining their theories regarding WF, but none of these ideas were found valid, after attempts to confirm the principles of the theories failed under actual experimentation. Most reputable scientists were unsurprised at these failures, and the clinic closed in 1958 following Dr. Joo-Man's death from exposure while attempting to seduce a bearatrossette.
After the disappointing failure of Dr. Joo-Man's promising theories, researchers focused on the gross physical effects of bear assaults, rather than any chemical or bacteriological factors. While this turned out to be a dead end, many simulators originally built to research WF have since been developed for the mass market as marital aids and sex-toys.
Early "Trauma Theory"
In the 1960s, research concentrated on the traumatic effects of being raped by a large ursine. Many man-years were spent both measuring the sexual characteristics of bears, and assessing the capacity of the female genitalia. Understandably for the male-dominated academia of the time, most scientists preferred the "female genitalia" aspect of the research, and it was not uncommon during this period to find teams of anatomical specialists patronizing singles clubs and strip joints in a vain attempt to secure test subjects. Of course, women of the sixties had the same disdain for pencil-necked geeks and poindexters that they do today, so most of these recruitment efforts met with failure. Data was finally captured by expediently hiring whores and subjecting them to bear simulations, and it was found that while bear rape may look traumatic, it proves quite enjoyable for the victim. It also proved that horny pencil-necked geeks and sex-starved poindexters have an innate grasp of the finer points of dildo and vibrator design.
The Prion Connection
In the 1980s, after observing the gradual spread of WF into temperate zones, it was decided to begin searching for biological factors involved in the disease. Various bacteria were considered, but after submitting these strains to numerous polygraph tests, it was found that bacteria just aren't aroused by humans or bears, and the search moved on to viruses. Since viruses are too small to administer a polygraph to, (and nobody spoke virusish to interpret their answers anyway) it was decided to subject them to cat scans.
Dr. Schrödinger generously allowed his cat to perform the scans, but again, the trail turned out to be false. Finally, in 1994, a team of Pseudopneumohortineuroculturists noted that strings of protein in bear semen were behaving strangely, and isolated them for further study. A female intern was subsequently infected when the isolated and supposedly inert prions leapt up off the microscope slide, knocked her to the floor, and began having their way with her. From this evidence, it was a simple matter to show that these prions were the responsible agent for WF.
In 2004, a consortium of televangelists, theologians, and other fuzzy-thinking busybodies lobbied to have WF declared a "Righteous act of Holy God our loving and merciful father, in retribution for the sins of the immoral harlots, and the atheist scum masquerading as men of science." Researchers have replied with a range of responses from mild snickering to outright belly-laughter. Needless to say, the prion theory is still held to be valid by anything with a functional cerebral cortex, including cockroaches and rats.
Transmission Vectors and Spread
Currently, the prions responsible for WF are believed to be carried in most bear species worldwide, such as Ursus Horriblis (Grizzly) and U. Maritimus (Bearatross), and some "quasi-bears" not belonging to genus Ursus, but within family Ursidae, including Ailuropoda Melanoleuca (Panda), Hannabarberus Jellystonii (Yogi), H. Runtuskilljoy (Booboo), Saccharinous Nauseum (Care) and Milnii Sanders (Pooh). There appears to be no expression of symptoms in bears, but biologists are studying the effects in all species but M. Sanders, of which the only extant specimen was stolen from the Winnipeg Zoo, in Manitoba, Canada, by the Disney corporation, which refuses any physical access to the animal. Canada has lodged a protest with the UN, but since Disney is an American corporation, and the UN is the USA's sock-puppet, no resolution to this matter is expected until after the revolution.
Prehistoric Human/Ursine Cohabitation
There is considerable evidence for the early cohabitation of humans and bears, both in the goelogical record and possibly in racial memory. Examples of the former include:
- remains of humans found next to ursine remains in caves worldwide.
- primitive latrines with human and ursine fecal matter intermingled.
- rarely found stillborn human/ursine hybrids.
The case for racial memory is postulated due to the prevalence of bears in human imagery and vocabulary, such as the "Russian bear", the "bear market", and such sayings as "bear naked", and "grin and bear it."
Neandertal and U. Spelunkus
While surveying the Tunguska region of Siberia in 1869 for a suitable location to hold an event, a Russian scholar named Metyr Strykovich Toondra stumbled across the remains of a prehistoric latrine, and found a remarkable cave painting confirming human/ursine interaction, as well as the existence of a cave man called Zog. This has been hailed as the earliest known occurrence of both grafitti and pornography. Paleoeroticists were adamant that the find be left undisturbed until it had been thoroughly studied and documented, resulting in the Tunguska Event being postponed almost fifty years until 1908. It is believed that the bear in the painting is an example of Ursus Spelunkus, or the common cave-bear. Little is known of the woman in the painting, although it is assumed she died from WF, after enduring several multiple orgasms. The painting has been neutronium dated to 68,142 BC Tuesday the 5th of April, about tea-time. Biologists supporting the widely held prion theory state that migration of WF from bears to humans began in this era.
With the expansion of agriculture and trade during the bronze age, the disease began to spread as migratory whores began moving from tribe to tribe among their local civilizations. At this point in history, prostitution was rightly considered an educated and honorable profession, and apprenticeships of many years were generally required before a woman could enter the trade. After her apprenticeship, it was usual for the woman to emigrate and be adopted by a nearby tribe, where five years on her back or knees would ensure a comfortable retirement. Due to the short distances possible, WF remained isolated, for the most part, in the northern latitudes.
The Stinking of Atlantis
The excellent records which have been caringly passed down from Atlantis mention a phenomenon suspiciously similar to WF, which triggered the events which eventually led to the downfall of the greatest civilization the world has ever known. The ancient magnetogravitic data storage cones tell of Atlantean zoological expeditions to the far corners of the globe, and among the specimens collected were examples of arctic creatures which were the ancestors of modern bearatross. At some point not mentioned in the records, the disease made it's way into the Atlantean population. Since the Atlanteans were not originally from Atlantis, but rather somewhere in the vicinity of Tau Ceti, the prions mutated with their alien DNA and the mutant strain became airborne. Soon dead Atlantean whores littered the landscape, causing the infamous stinking of Atlantis. The remaining third of the Atlantean population laboured for sixteen years, collecting the corpses in a mass grave which was, unfortunately, located on the extreme eastern end of their floating continent. The resulting imbalance capsized Atlantis, taking with it the last remnants of intelligent life on earth.
Iron Age and Beyond
Without the Altanteans to stimulate technological advance, the spread of WF slowed and, in time even reversed, as human societies became more insular and less contact between tribes became the norm. By the beginning of recorded history, WF was a rumour from the roof of the world, only directly experienced by cultures north of the arctic circle, except during periods of glaciation, when it appears to have gone dormant. This is probably related to the temperature, which in the extreme north, became cold enough to freeze the balls off a bronze bear.
Heavy Metal Age
In the latter half of the twentieth century, the prions held responsible for WF have been found in populations of bears well outside the arctic areas they seem to have originated in. By the year 2000, WF had become a truly global phenomenon, infecting professional women even in tropical areas such as Thailand and Japan. This has caused huge economic repercussions in these nations where prostitution is the dominant portion of the national economy. Sadly, many asian hookers can no longer "Suckee suckee fiv dolla" or "Ruv you rong time."
The hippie subculture, sexual revolution and Summer of Love were not, as has been supposed by many, confined only to humans. There have been many stories from the 1960s relating experiences, sexual and otherwise, involving penguins, stoats, parrots, llamas, voles, siamese bats, kangaroos, platypi, octopoda, trilobites and many other species, including bears. Unfortunately, these had all been hitherto attributed to the large doses of hallucinogenic drugs involved in the same anecdotal evidence. It now appears that WF was spread out of the arctic and sub-arctic regions of the globe during this period, and has continued to spread to warmer climates.
Confirmed at Jellystone
Perhaps the most famous of bears to test positive for WF prions was Yogi of Jellystone National Park. Yogi, of course, is widely infamous for his chronic carousing, swinging and drug use during the height of his career in the late '60s and early '70s. After fading from the public eye, there were occasional rumors in the tabloids alleging everything from hybrid love-children to STD afflictions. Unfortunately, the allegations were all true, including a most disturbing and sordid episode involving a hijacked shipment of Alka-Seltzer, the Israeli air force, and Fidel Castro's flock of sheep. Since Yogi's death from complications due to AIDS in 2002, his long term partner BooBoo has authored and published a book titled "Pickinicks, Prostitutes, and Pot in Purgatory: The Life and Loves of Yogi Bear", in which he recounts over four decades of his lovers' excesses, and admits to testing positive for WF himself, as well as his responsibility in passing the disease on to the Care bears. He expresses much remorse for the consequences of their actions, confessing he knew "the Ranger wouldn't like it," but that they just couldn't help themselves. Proceeds from the book are being donated for research in both AIDS and WF.
Suspected Tropical Cases
The most startling recent development is the arrival at Kapupu Island, near Tahiti, of a bearatross named Thornton, who managed to migrate to the tropics aboard a ersatz raft made of an iceberg. Local authorities have quarantined the animal in a nearby five-star resort, pending results of blood tests. If the tests prove positive, this would be the farthest south that WF has been positively identified. In the meantime, local officials have been obliged to support the bear in seclusion, covering such expenses as lodging, food, pina coladas, wind-surfing lessons, karaoke nights and the occasional case of imported frozen tundra-lemmings, to the tune of $7,000/day.
No treatment has yet been developed capable of effecting a cure. Drugs have been developed to ease the passing of those afflicted and restore rational consciousness for a time, which have greatly aided researchers studying the disease. The anecdotal accounts of the victims have been re-enacted, and the resulting films have earned the researchers over $3,500,000 USD in revenue as the "Bears gone Wild" series of soft-core pornographic videos. Most of this has been allocated to the provision of pizza and beer. Some things never change.
- Southern Klondike And Northern Kiev Sex "Retailers" Under Siege (SKANKS"Я"US)
- 40 Bed facility for terminal care.
- 20 million US$ research facility.
- Canadian Undersecretariat of Noxious Treatment
- 600 seat waiting room.
- Paramedic attends alternate Thursdays, with complete first aid kit.
- Full staff of 3,400 assorted bureaucrats, middle managers, and administrators on site to expedite paperwork submission from five years to a mere three.
- American White Cross
- Terminal care starting at $40,000/day, most major insurance accepted.
- ^ This was the subject of a recent documentary, "Saving Rivate's Prions," which followed the research team lead by Dr. Jesus "Hey, Zeus!" Rivate, as they struggled to spirit their research data and specimens out of a war-torn Antarctica.
- ^ Dr. Joo-Man is perhaps better known for founding the "Joo-Man Group," a troupe of comedic entertainers who used medical science in their act. Their interpretation of the classic "Bottle in front of me, or frontal lobotomy" sketch is still considered the definitive version today.
- ^ This unit is now on display at the Canadian National Museum of the Mediocre. Typical of Canadian built weapon systems of the period, it is armed solely with a pointed stick, a case of beer, and twelve (12) pounds of maple fudge.
- ^ The Canadian government does not officially accept this designation, despite the approval of over 60% of Canadians. This should be seen as further evidence that the government is completely out of touch with the will of the people. But I digress. . .
- ^ A derivation of this thought experiment has widely been miscredited to Schrödinger. On his death-bed in 2005, the cat revealed that he had described the experimental setup to his pet, Dr. Schrödinger, who then plagiarized the idea for his own nefarious purposes.
- ^ A female bearatross. Imagine Smurfette, just bigger, whiter, meaner and hornier. No, no! Not Pam Anderson! Bears don't have tits like that! More like Roseanne Barr. . . don't look at me like that! If that's how the good doctor got his freak on, who are we to quibble?
- ^ Non-Canadians should be aware that the frozen surfaces of streams, rivers, lakes, etc., are the Canadian counterparts to alleys, roads, parking lots, etc. This leads to the popular Canadian variation on the old joke: "Why did the chicken cross the brook, eh?"
- ^ The best selling of these, "The Bear Truth™", was originally developed and patented by a research group based in Greenland, who have since de-emphasised epidemiological research in favor of developing animal themed, queen size phallic prosthetics, including the wildly successful "Whale on 'er™", and the "HippopotOhMy!™".
- ^ Disney is willing to release likenesses of the specimen, but only in return for a firstborn child, left testicle, or hundredweight of human fetuseseses.
- ^ Rabbit carcasses found in the same latrines were likely not cohabitants, per se, but were probably domesticated for use as bathroom tissue.
- ^ But, oddly enough, not quite cold enough to accomplish detesticularization of an iron bear. Weird, eh?
- ^ Statistics show that asian women do not, actually, have greater stamina during sex. Just FYI.
- ^ It has recently been revealed that Castro has contracted a mutated version of WF from his sheep. The Cuban government, Castro's brother Raul, is reportedly "concerned and amused" by this turn of events.
- ^ Thornton has a very pleasant baritone voice, and is fond of covering old Doors tunes. Audiences have been very impressed by his sensitive renditions of Jim Morrison's lyrics.
- ^ What do you expect for your tax dollars? A cure? AhhhHahahaha. . .
- ^ What do you expect from an American charity? Charity? Capitalism rules! AhhhHahahaha. . .
- ^ A further offering, the "ElePhallus™" was removed from the market pursuant to the SALT II nuclear treaty, since it's power supply could be altered to provide weapons-grade fissionables. An alternate power source was briefly available, but it was again discontinued after it was shown to violate fuel-efficiency and emissions standards, per the Kyoto Accord.
- ^ That footnote is in very poor taste, and shame on you for laughing at it.