Why?

“I can now reveal that the winner of Big Brother two-thousand and twelve is…”' Davina McCall’s voice bellows into the house. I’m one of the final two contestants and I’ve had one helluva time this summer here in this fish box. Literally, it’s been hell. The dramatic pause continues.

Of course it’s a foregone conclusion that I’m not going to win, I’m the slightly amusing one that no one hates enough to vote out but who no one likes enough to remember. My competition, Dane, sits across from me picking his nose and eating it. I sigh as the pause continues.

"The winner is…"

I continue to fiddle with my Rubik’s Cube. I stare at Dane and he looks at the camera as it moves along the rail in that same fascinated way he did back on Day One. Even when the others were here it was still a pain having Dane around. Making sure he got fed and didn't throw his drinks around the room changing his nappies, we were basically babysitters. Honestly I really think that entering a chimp is taking diversity to the extreme.

“DANE!!!” I’d almost forgotten she’d started a sentence and was momentarily confused. “Commiserations Craig! Make you’re way to the door, I’m coming to get you!” I ignored the paradox.

In the ad break I had time to wonder yet again: why did I decide to audition for Big Brother?

The Audition

It was actually a joke that backfired big time. I mean I figured it would be funny to go to an audition and “like totally be like myself the whole time and like not fake and like tell everyone exactly like what I fink of them and that, like cos that’ll like get me like all famous and that, like.”

I stepped into the booth, ending my sense of self respect for a very long time. I introduced myself as Craig Woods (that’s not my real name, my name’s Jeremy Thornton but after saying Craig I couldn’t go back on it) and then I lost my nerve. The words I’d planned to say abandoned me. Instead I was just, like, myself.

“Tell us a little bit about yourself, Craig.” The generic female voice encouraged.

“Well I’ll be honest I’m actually quite shy. And I lack confidence. I’m not really a people person...” I rambled and it was the most cathartic minute of my whole life.

Of course I got through. Again and again at each round. All of it led ultimately to my voluntary imprisonment. I was just too shy to say no at my last chance. (more...)

Recently featured: Why?:You should not be a cannibal - Why?:Is a dead body lying on my couch? - Why?:Does an Aircraft Crash? - Why?:I'm hot - Why?:Climb Mount Everest? - Why?:Won't that damn CD player play my vinyls? - Why?:Trade Your Family's Only Cow For Magic Beans - Why?:Are we here? - Why?:Play Bass? - Why?:Do Florida's animals suck? - Why?:Water is good for our health? - Why?:Bother?

Can't See Your Why? Add It!Recent Why?s

• Why?:The Chicago Cubs Will Never Win The World Series
• Why?:The Pittsburgh Pirates Are Worthless
• Why?:Write an article?
• Why?:The Long Face?
• Why?:Does my stepdad suck?
• Why?:Fight Club is a cop out
• Why?:You shouldn't take acid before riding a bicycle
• Why?:Buy shares in BAE Systems
• Why?:Don't You Get a Job?
• Why?:Stick Things in the Microwave Oven
• Why?:Should I Care About Those Damn Polar Bears?
• Why?:Has God Forsaken Me?
• Why?:Transform Your Room Into a Towel Castle?
• Why?:Take Stimulus Recovery Money to Ruin your company and give Executives a Big Bonus?
• Why?:Why do Non-Conservatives Exist?
• Why?:Watching a marathon of House, M.D. while you're sick is not a good idea
• Why?:Won't this stupid TV work?!?
• Why?:Are giant robots chasing me through the street?
• Why?:Eat a Peach
• Why?:I'm In court, Mum
• Why?:Arent There Any Penguins Up North?
• Why?:Have an alienating music taste
• Why?:Is my molten steel bill so high?
• Why?:Is There a Moose On This Plane?
• Why?:Do things remain the same
• Why?:Read this article?

Find a Why?

Make a new Why?