Why?:A Traveler's Guide to Mexico City
|This article may be Overly American. Brits may not understand humor, only humour. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't not attempt to remedy this.|
Mexico City: a city of the senses, sight, taste, smell, touch, and smell. God damn does it smell. Mexico City is a big place, and you will undoubtedly need a guide when touring this magnificent city.
Chapter 1: Guidelines
Before you embark on your journey to Mexico City, you will need to know a few things.
- Do not drink the water by any means.
- Do not drink anything with ice in it.
- Do not drink any water or you will regret it.
- To avoid theft, wear a fanny pack.
- And finally, avoid the water. Seriously. It's the worst thing that can happen to you in Mexico. I had this buddy that fell into a pile of horse shit (watch out for that too; it's all over the place) and needed to get that shit taste out his mouth and well, lets just say he made his very own shit piles after drinking the water. No, but seriously. The shit was all red and full of chunks of intestine. So to repeat; don't drink the water.
Chapter 2: The Arrival
Upon arrival in Benito Juarez International Airport, you will notice that you cannot see the sky beyond the magnanimous haze of the city. This is usual, in fact, the haze usually traps the heat in the city, slowly baking it and the residents to death like a mini-model of global warming. The haze has even been known to apparate at times to strangle the odd tourist. Ignore it, and proceed to customs, where you will notice no one is in line, however, upon your return (to the U.S.) you will (presumably) be stuck in endless custom lines for at least two hours. Also, after you leave customs you will notice hoards of people coming to welcome you. This is because the state requires a certain number of Mexicans to be standing at the exit gates at any given time to welcome foreigners. Ignore them and find a taxi.
Chapter 3: The City
As soon as you leave the airport, you will notice a god-awful stench. A stink so bad that it permeates your clothing and skin, wraps up around you, and rapes you. A stink that can only be described as worse than Margaret Thatcher's pubes wrapped up in some kind of living, pulsating, rotting filth which oozes diarrhea and pus. However, you will acclimate to this putrid odor over time. Another thing you will notice about the city is the absolute squalor. Chances are, you are traveling from the U.S. and have an inflated sense of wealth. Basically anyone with windows in Mexico City belongs to the middle class or above. Now, you'll also notice the natives speaking in this language called "espanol" most of the time. Insist that they quit babbling and learn English. That should fix your problem. Its time to go to your hotel and get some rest, you'll need it for some site-seeing the next day.
Chapter 4: Attractions
As I mentioned before, Mexico City is a city of the senses. The many tourist attractions will have you squealing like a pig as it heads for the slaughter.
Paseo de la Reforma
(Pronunciation: Pass-eo dellay reeformay) This is the premier street in Mexico City, it is lined in skyscrapers and museums, making you forget that this is where the guy who mows your lawn is from. The first attraction here is the Palace of Fine Arts. You'll see a lot of murals by that communist guywho was married to that unibrowed chick who painted stuff too. After visiting that boring museum, you'll want to head to the boring museum atop Chapultepec Palace. This place was built by some French prick who was somehow related to Napoleon. Not much here other than some crap in that "espanol" stuff again, so just walk through, take pictures, and head for the Zocalo, the city's main square.
(Pronunciation: Zoh-kay-low) The central square of Mexico City, where the main cathedral and some silly "government" buildings, and as we all know, Mexico doesn't have a government, it's just part of the United States! There are lots of vendors here, and some will try and sell you something called a tamale. You probably will think, like the candy hot tamales! NO. Not like the candy. More like ass in a tortilla. Don't buy them, they're likely to be laced with AIDS and heroine. However, if one of the vendors offers you cocaine, take it. Local custom is to snort it as well, as this will give you a better sugar rush. Say "Sah-lute" and then snort it. What fun! Now its time to visit Teotihuacan.
(Pronunciation: Tee-oh-tee-hwa-kan) These are some giant pyramids made by some drunk mexicans a few hundred years ago. The great city-state, Teotihuacan was the cultural center of the region for many hundreds of years, where their demonic pagan rituals commemorating the dead were performed. Fortunately, they were wiped out by the Aztecs, who then used their pyramids to sacrifice the remaining populace to sate the god Quetzalcoatl's endless bloodthirst. Then, the good Jesus-loving Spaniards came and gave them all smallpox, so their heretical and evil rituals were forever put to an end, and their satanic culture wiped away forever, with no remains of their alphabet or rituals so that their few descendants could ever know who they were. Now, if you're at Teotihuacan and you see funny white robed people chanting along the ruins with images of Jesus and their pagan gods, rip up their demonic images and tell them about how much Jesus loved them and their ancestors, and that he gave them smallpox so they could be saved! Yippee!
(Pronunciation: Ksoh-chah-milk-ohh) This is like a little canal district in Mexico City. It is the remnant of what was once a great lake that surrounded the city, Lake Texcoco, but was drained so that more people could live in Mexico City together and be happy! Now Xochimilco is just a tourist area, where you can take gondolas through the quaint little water farms called "Chiapes." They are called this, because they're little chia pets skimming over the water. And that concludes the major site-seeing attractions of Mexico City.
Chapter 5: Additional Advice
There are some other things to remember while visiting Mexico City. First of all, the police are very friendly, never mind the machine guns and or tight pants and heavenly moustache- these are genial and helpful people who will always tell you the best restaurants, hotels, and whorehouses. Also, it is good to remember that when you are an American tourist, people will know. So proudly where American flag clothing, be it shirts, underwear, pants, or shorty shorts- or a comination of the above. This will cause the Mexican people to become impressed, and many of them will approach you, saying "Dinero?" meaning they want to have dinner with you. Just slap them and tell them to get their own job, and they won't rob you. On the note of robbery, as long as you travel in areas that are less crowded, such as alleyways, darkened street corners, and slums, there won't be anyone nearby to rob you, so travel in these places at your leisure. Now, armed with knowledge, go off to Mexico City and show those lazy Mexicans how great America really is!