Why?:American Bill of Rights for Dummies/6

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Original cover sketch featuring the author of the book.


The American Bill of Rights For Dummies (people like you)

Author = Scruffy McGovern

Publisher = Hamilton and Burr

Release Date = September 15, 2004

No. of pages = 529

Language = English


American Bill of Rights for Dummies is a popular book created in late 2004 to help educate ignorant people about the American bill of rights. The book gives detail into the creation of the U.S. Constitution focusing on the Bill of Rights or the firts ten amendments. The book was written by Scruffy McGovern a political activist and proud member of the democtaric party. He is also a dog. Here are some excerpts from his book including the Bill of Rights. Italics are McGovern's own words and explanations.

Bill of Rights According to Scruffy[edit]

This couple is not allowed to speak they're mind.
  • First Amendment – Freedom of speech, press, religion, peaceable assembly, and to petition the government.

This is a very important amendment. People use it freely everyday...Fuck! Look I said it, freedom of speech Can't Touch this! This amendemnt however is limited and doesn't extend itself to; rappers, Muslims, gay bars in Idaho, and you can petition but the government won't comply. Your opinion means very little, especially if your latino becasue chances are your illegal anyway and thus you aren't protected under any rights. Additionally, following the ratfication of the United States PATRIOT act, these rights have essentially been struck out of the constitution and no longer mean anything."

Second Amendment[edit]

– Right for the people to keep and bear arms.

Arms you are allowed to have in possesion.

NRA or the National Right Arm are dedicated to making sure everyone has arms. These arms if used properly can; write, type, catch a football, grab a nice pair of boobs or pick your nose. If you were born without any arms then your rights have been infringed upon! You are allowed to sue the government.

Third Amendment[edit]

- Protection from quartering of troops.

See this if you enlist they can't do that to you.

If you join the military you are protected from being drawn and or quartered. Before the passing of this amendment people could randomly come up to you in the street and cut you into pieces. Now it could still happen, but it would totally be a violation of your rights. Howver there is a loop hole for this amendemnt if someone comes up and cuts you into three maybe two pieces of anything (five or over) they actually haven't infringed upon your rights. Only if the quarter you, meaning cut you up into four pieces.

Fourth Amendment[edit]

– Protection from unreasonable search and seizure.

This kid has no reason to be having a seizure...arrest him at once!

Quite frankly this amendment is pointless. It basically says that a person has to have a reason to search you and you have to have a reason for having a seizure. No random seizures are authorized! This amendment is rarely in need of practice because when you get pulled over and you have a dead hooker in your back trunk and a cop says the reason he wants to search your trunk is because he feels like it is considered reasonable. After all, you shouldn't have anything to hide...or do you?

Fifth Amendment[edit]

– Due process, double jeopardy, self-incrimination, private property.

These people wish the fifth amendment had been passed a little earlier.

Did you understand that? Probably not. Okay what it means is basically you can't be tried for the same crime once found innocent by the court. You also can't be called as your own witness. Finally your private property cannot be taken away from you for public use. See aslo O.J. Simpson.

Sixth Amendment[edit]

– Trial by jury and other rights of the accused.

You know what you did!

Arrested? Did they tell you what for, if they haven't: Ding! Ding! Ding! Your rights have been violated. Alert the government! However thanks to the Patriot Act Muslims aren't protected under this and can be arrested and receive no trial speedy or slow for that matter simply for sneezing on a plane and they don't have to tell you what you did! But for most Americans it basically means what you're told what you're going to jail for and guess what, you get a multi-cultural jury to send you there!


Seventh Amendment[edit]

– Civil trial by jury. This means your trial is going to be very civil, meaning; no foul language, provocative clothing and no hitting your lawyer everytime he or she asks a stupid question or misrepresents you. You can ask not to have a civil trial and just have an all out brawl and whoever is left standing is innocent but convicts rarely choose this route because the security guards with hand guns usually win.

Eighth Amendment[edit]

– Prohibition of excessive bail, as well as cruel and unusual punishment.

Tickle Torture is now illegal in 28 countries.

An interesting amendment, this means that after you are found guilty (say, for having that dead hooker in the back trunk) once punished it can't be cruel or unusual. However it is in the judge's hands as whether your punishment is indeed cruel or unusual. For example in 1997 in the case of Fritzhand vs. the city of Calm Springs, Kentucky Fritzhand was charged with having littered on a main street. His punishment was to be slowly cut up into six pieces starting with his feet. (Remember the 3rd amendment...) The judge thought this wasn't cruel at all his reasoning was that, if he wanted to be cruel, he could castrate him. Fritzhand agreed and was promptly hexagoned.

Ninth Amendment[edit]

– Protection of rights not specifically enumerated in the Bill of Rights.

This man is protected under the ninth amendment.

My ultimate favorite, the ninth clearly states that just becasue it's not mentioned in the Bill of Rights doens't mean you aren't protected. For instance I'm protected in my right to mow my lawn butt naked. I have a right to key your shiny new car. And dammit you can't stop me: it's the ninth, bitch!

Tenth Amendment[edit]

– Powers of states and people

Suck on that Al Pachino!

If the government hasn't specified a law or rule in the constitution then the power goes to the states and the people. In short: since the constitution says nothing about running over toddlers with grocery carts in the parking lot, the power to do so is in your hands. Similar to the ninth amendment, except you can cancel out the tenth with the ninth since the ninth only pertains to the Bill of Rights. Or something like that...