Why?:Does my stepdad suck?

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“Whutz an Un-cy-klo-pee-de-uh?”

~ Stepdad on This page

“I ain't not a reee-tard.”

~ Stepdad on His intellegence

“He is quite stupid.”

~ Captain Understatement on the above quotes


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It is a mystery which has plagued mankind for centuries. Well, not really mankind, because, face it, who really cares about stepdads anyway? Nobody, that's who. Except for me, because I have to live with him until he dies or I can steal a car and rob a bank and move to Massachusetts. Yet, after living with him for a really long time, I still find myself asking, Why does my stepdad suck?

How'd I get myself in this spot in the first place?[edit]

It probably started when my mom married him after meeting him in a bar. Then they lived in an adorable little trailer in warm, sunny Arizona, a great place to raise a kid, right? No. Arizona is the gayest place ever. I mean, who in their right mind would want to live there anyway? I don't. Why did I move here anyway?

Why did I move to Arizona?[edit]

That is in no way related to what I'm talking about. Shut the fuck up and let me continue my quest to find out why the Stepdad sucks.

So anyway, where was I?[edit]

This is pretty much what a retarded, redneck Stepdad looks like. Oh baby, what a sexy beast. Mmmhm. Break me off a piece of that.

Oh yeah. So as I was saying, Stepdad is a total douchebag. I mean, really. I don't see what my mom sees in him. Who could possibly ever love some jerkass who uses double negatives all the time and never showers? Also he farts when he walks. Oh baby, that's hot.

My god, he is fucktarded.[edit]

Have you ever known somebody who never talks correctly? Who uses double negatives and all that shit? Well, that's what he does, except it's like a million fucking times worse. I am not even kidding. If you're like me and you're a total grammar Nazi, then you can probably understand how fucking annoying it is. It's more annoying than 1337! It's like if you could hear 1337! Sometimes I just want to stab myself in the ears with screwdrivers until I go deaf. Ohmygod. I can turn my fucking MP3 player to maximum volume AND I CAN STILL HEAR HIM. OH MY FUCKING GOD.

Possible reasons as to his suckiness[edit]

Lack of hygiene[edit]

“Whutz dat?”

~ Stepdad on Hygiene

Apparently, hygiene is not one of the things he cares or knows about. Bathing once every three weeks, that's healthy and attractive, right? Right! I've seen hobos who smell better than him. I mean, the horses across the street smell better than him! And those horses smell fucking terrible. Oh my god. That bottle of shampoo has been sitting in the shower for like eight years now. Either he has an endless supply of it somewhere, or he's just not using it.

Cigarettes? Of course![edit]

A recent picture of the stepdad smoking.

Oh my god, what would happen if there came a day that he ran out of cigarettes! The whole fucking world would end. I mean, no wonder he has nose cancer! Shit! He smokes like four packs a day! And it's not even good cigarettes. It's that menthol shit. Mmm, delicious!

Daily Activity[edit]

A typical day in the life of the Stepdad.

The day consists of waking up in the wee hours of the morning, drinking coffee, chainsmoking, being on the interwebz, watching hours and hours of 30-year-old game shows, then taking a four hour nap at noon, and doing nothing else until 9pm, when it's nighty-night time. How exciting!

How could I solve this problem?[edit]

Death?[edit]

I suppose he could die somehow. But I don't really wanna kill anybody. No. I've got a pretty sweet life goin' on, y'know, besides the whole stepdad situation...and I'd like to keep it like that.

OMFG A SNAKE![edit]

Maybe I could just hire this guy to take care of him.

Hmm...I could just throw a snake at him. Let one loose in the bed while he's asleep. I mean, he has heart problems...he could have a heart attack or something. Wouldn't that be awesome?

Nah. On second thought...[edit]

This all seems too complicated. I mean, I've only got eight more months until I can move out and never have to deal with him anymore... Meh. Yeah. I'll just deal with it. Or better yet, maybe he'll die somehow before I move out, then I'll DEFINATELY never have to deal with him! OH MAN! That would be the best birthday present ever! W00T!

In conclusion...[edit]

It is still unknown why he is such a sucky lametarded douchebag motherfucking (literally) jackass. Perhaps, some day, when the mystery is solved, I can live peacefully, in a tiny little apartment in the middle of the forest.

See also[edit]

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