Why?:Don't we do it in the road?
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It has been four decades since Sir Paul McCartney posed one of history's great philosophical questions: Why don't we do it in the road? At first, the question appeared unanswerable because it was too vague: what was "it"? Racquetball? Clinical trials? Driving? However, literary critics soon determined that McCartney was talking about sex, a determination that, when published, caused several elderly women to faint.
So, why don't we do it in the road? In the late '60s, technology and philosophy had not advanced to a point where a satisfactory answer to this question could be found. However, due to several breakthrough advances, we feel that we can confidently provide not one but several reasons that we do not do it in the road.
Reasons that we do not do it in the road
1. Doing it in the road is deleterious to the normal function of the road.
Ever since McCartney first posed the question, modern philosophers have wondered whether doing it in the road could interfere with the road's purpose - that is, to be a surface on which to drive from point A to point B. However, it wasn't until 2006, when the U.S. Department of Transportation commissioned a formal study, that this objection was finally validated.
On April 4, 2006, the USDOT recruited 600 paid volunteers from UCLA, supplied them with crystal meth, and instructed them to do it at random intervals on the road between Reno and Las Vegas for a 24-hour period. They then closed the road to normal traffic and attempted to drive a single Toyota Corolla between the cities.
The results were unambiguous: the Corolla took 134% more time than usual to reach Las Vegas due to the necessity of dodging naked, undulating piles of flesh. Also, for reasons difficult to explain, the Corolla developed a thick coating of a red, viscous liquid on its tires, making it difficult to maintain traction.
Based on these results, the USDOT estimated that it would cost the U.S. economy $63 billion a year in wasted productivity and petroleum-based automobile fuel if we were all to do it in the road. This figure more than justified the $30 million cost of the study.
Advocates of doing it in the road have suggested that perhaps the road has secondary or tertiary functions other than providing a flat surface for transportation, and that perhaps doing it could enhance rather than impede these functions. However, for some reason, these advocates have been unable to name any of these potential secondary or tertiary functions.
The consensus among the vast majority of civil engineers is that the function of the road is singular: a surface for transportation. However, out of an abundance of caution, another $30 million has been requested from the U.S. Government to determine whether the road has overlooked functions, such as, for example, brushing one's teeth or washing dishes.
2. The road provides an unsatisfactory environment for doing it.
Research has suggested that most people prefer comfortable surfaces when doing it. More than 99% of people most typically do it in a bed; runners-up include a sofa, a bearskin rug, wrestling mats, and the back of a van. What all these surfaces have in common is that they rate no higher than a "5" on the Kiersey-Ralston Scale of Sexual Discomfort (right).
Asphalt, by contrast, is an alarmingly uncomfortable surface. It is extremely hard, and has an uneven surface. It has a tendency to become painfully hot in the summer and icy in the winter. Perhaps most importantly, it is often covered with loose gravel, cigarette butts, and roadkill residue.
As it turns it, these are important considerations when doing it, because studies show that a majority of people do it while completely, or almost completely, unclothed. Thus, when attempting to do it in the road, gravel can cause multiple scrapes and contusions; cigarette butts can become lodged in unfortunate places; and roadkill residue is just fucking gross.
Thus, it seems possible that one reason we don't generally do it in the road is that no one wants to do it in the road. However, it will be necessary to obtain $30 million in Federal funding to verify this hypothesis.
3. Certain cultural norms and laws are violated by doing it in the road.
McCartney seems to have foreseen this argument when he penned the lyric, "No one will be watching us." However, that lyric has turned out to be factually unsound. Studies have suggested that when people do it in the road, passersby are actually highly inclined to watch. It is not even unusual for small crowds of people with beer and barcaloungers to gather in the vicinity.
In the 1960s, it was difficult to determine whether our cultural norms would disincline or prohibit us to doing it in the road. Fortunately, Ronald Reagan cleared that all up for us in the 1980s. Since then, surveys show that people become highly agitated when their neighbors are doing it in the road.
Interestingly, the level of this agitation tends to decrease when both neighbors are attractive women. However, the agitation level actually increases when one neighbor is an attractive woman and the other is a douchebag.
Further, doing it in the road may violate not only cultural norms, but the actual law. Legal scholars have recently uncovered preliminary evidence that doing it in the road may be illegal. However, in order to verify the legal status of doing it in the road, we will require $30 million in Federal funding.
4. Doing it in the road seems to correspond to a premature death rate.
Statistical analysis has proven that people who do it in the road have an average of a fifteen-year deduction in their lifespan. Strangely, the practice does not correlate with most of the leading causes of death, such as heart disease or cancer. In fact, this death rate actually has a mild negative correlation to obesity.
Some scientists have suggested that the explanation might have something to do with bears, but others consider this explanation improbable; they can provide statistics indicating that the population density of bears is actually lower on roads than it is in, for example, forests.
The apparent (if inscrutable) danger of doing it the road has led the U.S. Surgeon General to consider legislation where, at quarter-mile intervals, the warning "Danger: Doing it in the road should not be attempted by pregnant women or those with heart conditions" would be painted on the road.
This legislation was killed in committee, however, after objections were raised that pregnancy and heart conditions seemed to have no relation to the incidence of people dying while doing it in the road.
Today, it is still entirely unknown why people tend to live less long when their lifestyle includes doing it in the road. However, I might be able to clear that up for you with $30 million in Federal funding.
Please remit $30 million USD to the following address:
- Research Foundation for the Advancement of Foundational Research
- 25, Abimbola Odunsi Street, Off Coker Rd.
- Orimolade Bus/Stop, Ifako, OGBA
- Lagos, Nigeria
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