Why?:Read this article?
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's?
Why read this article, you ask?
This article will explain why you should read this article.
- 1 Reasons involving free will
- 2 Reasons involving intimidation
- 3 Miscellaneous reasons
Reasons involving free will
You have already begun reading it, why not finish it?
Indeed, a strong reason for reading this article in its entirety is that you have already read part of this article. This is especially true if you have read the preceding sentence, as well as this sentence. Also, reading this article in its entirety will further engage you in the reading process, and may explain certain points that you are not sure about yet.
If you do not wish to finish this article, please realise that you have already read part of this article, and that it is very likely that you wish to gain an understanding of why you should read this article, and that this article provides an explanation of reasons for reading this article. So, please, read on.
Because you chose to visit this article on Uncyclopedia
No matter what philosophers say about free will, it is obvious that something compelled you to visit this article. In semi-rare cases, this is caused by a necessity to read this article. (In even rarer cases, this is caused by the random article command.) Therefore, you should read this article because you chose to visit it.
Some advice about visiting random articles
Again, the above argument is not true in the case that you have reached this article by the random article command. In the event that you have reached this article by the random article command:
- Consider if you really want to
wastespend time visiting random articles on a satire encyclopedia.
- If you do, then go ahead, and give this link a try.
- If not, quietly thank this article for saving you from a horrible fate of wandering endlessly through a website, and read on.
Because anything is possible with a little perseverance
It's true: anything is possible with a little perseverance, despite what the cynics say about this being "wishy-washy stuff," which is true: no human being will ever jump and remain in midair for more than 10 seconds without any aid, no matter how much perseverance the person has.
However, the claim of these cynics must be taken with a grain of salt, a teaspoon of pepper and some cinnamon; you've been reading this article for quite a while now, and that requires quite a bit of perseverance. This is especially true considering how silly and utterly self-referential and teasing this article is. Perhaps you'll hold on a bit more and read the rest of this article to gain an even better understanding of why you should read this article?
Reasons involving intimidation
Because the power of this article compels you
You doubtless are unknowledgeable of the minority that worship this article and its philosophy so much that they are willing to betray it and have it crucified, just to immortalise its beliefs. Like any other self-respecting minority, this minority exists in undisclosed numbers. However, according to this minority, the power of this article compels you to submit to the will of this article, assume the Article Reader's Submission Position, and read this article.
Of course, minority views generally require a suspension of not disbelieving, but who knows? Maybe they're right, we're wrong. Because you've read quite a bit of this article trying to find out why you're reading it.
Because we are ordering you to read this article
Now, as we were saying, you have to read this article because we are ordering you do read this article. And we have the power to dissolve you into nonexistence. Or incinerate you. Or abduct you and put you in an isolated area with comfy chairs and coffee complemented carefully with crazy comedy for months until you confess to your three charges: disturbing the peace, disturbing the mind, disturbing this article and disturbing a reason to read this article -- four charges.
On second thoughts, we won't force-feed you with this article. We will utilise a process of inducing you to read the rest of this article, using subliminal messages.
Wouldn't you like to find out more about why you should read this article? Read on!
A declaration: this article is atheist, which means that it will be censored quite often, because of those who are serving a higher purpose.
Because every time you don't read this article, God kills a kitten
Note that despite this article being atheist there is use of the word God, which is highly important. A higher authority that doesn't exist, killing a kitten? That's just strange. In fact, we'd rather the reader doesn't respect those who are censoring this article while, unlike you, not reading this article in its entirety.
Oh, it seems the Spanish Inquisition swept by us when we weren't looking. Never mind that reason, then.
To find out why to read this article
Note how this reason has explosive results. Need I point it out to you?
1) You read this article to find out why you should read this article.
2) You find out you should read this article because you can find out the reason you are reading this article.
3) You notice how the reason you are reading this article is to find out the reason to read this article, which apparently, based upon the reading of this article, is in order to find out the reason to read this article.
4) Your head explodes.
Oh, and by the way, you just have.
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