Why?:The Chicago Cubs Will Never Win The World Series
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The World Series
A hundred and one years ago the Chicago Cubs were on top of the world when they won one of those World Series no one remembers because it happened over one hundred years ago. They beat the Pawtucket Minor Leaguers in a thirty-three game series. After they were through beating up the seven year old little league teams the Cubs challenged anyone to a game for their pride. Claiming that since they could beat Pawtucket Little Leaguers they were well equipped to defeat anyone in baseball. This angered Jesus because he had helped the Cubs win by putting angels in the outfield, otherwise they would have easily been defeated. Jesus decided to put together a team of himself, Gandalf, Hercules, Buddha, Moses, Allah, Aslan, Elijah, and The Flying Spaghetti Monster. The next day Jesus challenged the Cubs to a game in an abandoned cornfield in heaven.
Jesus said if he won The Cubs would be the most cursed team in all of sports for the rest of existance, and that ivy would grow up their outfield walls, and their city would refuse to buy them a new stadium. If the Cubs won they wanted one player from their championship team to be even remotely memorable so that people would have some idea who they were. Also Jesus would have to pay their rent.
Jesus was his team's starting pitcher and the Cubs pitcher was some guy who was alive over one hundred years ago, presumably John McCain. Jesus threw his first pitch and the ball went between Allah's legs and first base, and then The Flying Spaghetti Monster let it get by him in left field which turned it into an inside the park home run because spaghetti doesn't have arms. Jesus then remembered that no one on his team even knew how to play baseball, but he resolved to try his best. When they finally got out of the top of the first inning Jesus's team was down 374-0, but they resolved to make a comeback. By the fifth inning though, the Cubs asked Jesus to give up because his team was losing 564,381-0. Jesus claimed that they were going to make the grandest comeback in sports history, but they didn't, and they lost by three million runs.
Like most kids who lose baseball wagers Jesus went crying to his Dad saying the Cubs cheated, and like most overbearing parents God believed him. As the Cubs celebrated they were suddenly shocked back down to Earth, and they heard a booming voice yell, "Now you'll be less successful than Lindsay Lohan!!!" This began the unprecedented streak of bad luck the Cubs have had since then.
Although some people are under the misconception that the Cubs bad luck comes from a Billy Goat or a black cat, those are just silly made up superstitions. Also please don't blame sportscasters who pick them to win or Sports Illustrated for putting them on the cover of their magazine those people aren't jinxes they're just idiots for picking the Cubs.