Why?:The Pittsburgh Pirates Are Worthless
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's?
“Go Phoenix Suns”
The Pittsburgh Pirates set the world record for number of position players traded for shit in a single year because the U.N. decided that they were guilty of naming their team after a well-known terrorist group and therefore had to suck. The Pirates were not a good team in the 2008 baseball year, but they had a collection of decent baseball players who could come together to collectively bat as well as the average Little League team and field only slightly worse. Then things got complicated. The Pirates decided that the only way to improve their franchise was to trade every mediocre player they had for Single A pitchers.
The Trades Begin
The first major trade the Pirates made was in July of the 2008 year as they dealt power hitting outfielder Xavier Nady to New York Moneymakers for an illegitimite Cuban pitcher who was much better at rolling cigars. The Pirates lost their claim on having the athlete with the coolest name in sports, but nobody really cared because they were all sitting in empty fields waiting for Steelers camp to begin. Then the Pirates made a splash by trading away Jason Bay, star player and face of the franchise to the Boston Red Sox in exchange for a new logo design to be designed later. Everybody was really pissed off because now their was no point in going to Pirates' games. Those two transactions would be dwarfed however by the 2009 trades the Pirates would make. First they decided they wanted all-star Nate McClouth out so a younger center fielder could bat .250. The Pirates received an old copy of Baywatch for McClouth, and then proceeded to trade his younger replacement Nyger Morgan because he was far too old and they were looking to rebuild. In exchange for Morgan the Pirates got a lifetime supply of tofu and used BMW. Everyone was wandering what the Pirates were doing because their team was falling apart luckily they still had brothers and dynamic duo Adam and Andy LaRoche, but that all changed when the Pirates decided Adam LaRoche was far too skilled to play on their team and dealt him to the Boston Red Sox for some pocket change and Green Day tickets. Despite countless cries from upset fans the Pirates continued to blow full steam ahead into a giant glacier in the middle of the arctic. The national media usually held their ears shut and sang 'Happy Days' to themselves at the mention of the Pirates, but even big time sportscasters were now weighing in on how dumb the Pirates really were. The G.M. refused to listen and with the mindset of fourteen year old rebel decided to go entirely against the people's wishes. The only remaining recognizable faces on the squad were then dealt within hours of each other. Jack Wilson Pirates shortstop for a decade and Ian Snell the 2008 wins leader were sent to Seattle for Hampton Little League A Team All-Star Brandon Olzewski and man with leprosy. Then Freddy Sanchez was given to the Giants for minor league pitching prospect Tim Alderson, who was previously reported missing by several bay area police departments who were releaved when he was discovered buried at the bottom of a AA depth chart. The Pirates then decided that they didn't have enoughed inexperienced pitching prospects,so they traded to experienced pitchers, John Grabow and Tom Gorzellany, to the Cubs for a few more washed up athletes.
The Pirates were left with a team that was so pathetic some teams began counting to three and throwing the ball underhand to the batters, while others charged five dollars for a fan from the stands to get the chance to strike out a near-legitimate major league baseball player. The Pirates G.M. Emperor Palpatine or The Sith Lord is proud of his trades which earned him 3784 Mexican and Japanese ebay wives and made him the father of 17,421 illegitimate children. The Pirates were also the first team to ever forfeit eight straight games because of falling behind more than one hundred runs in the first inning, and they caused one behind-the-plate umpire to suffer heat stroke because it took them 74 hours to get out of the top of the first in an Arizona heat wave. At the end of the season, The Sith Lord rounded up the team and shot every fifth player in line and kicked every third player down the Spartan Pit of Death, every fourth player was brutally anally raped and all the rest were ground up in a massive garbage disposal. The next season the groudcrew replaced the team and went undefeated and won the World Series 4-0 over the Boston Red Sox due in part to the fact that the U.N. apologized for their misunderstanding of the teams name and decreed no team could defeat for a year under penalty of death. The U.N. however did not take them off of the "No Fly List", "Terrorist Watch List", "Nuke If Seen List", or the back of any milk carton leading to the team's death when a Russian man shot and killed all twenty-five players.