This love story takes place in a small town called “ladles” located in south Mississippi. Thankfully, the characters are fictional or the world would of collapsed to how absolutely boring lives. Perhaps if any of them actually did anything, the book might be half decent. Instead it relies on mind control chips in it’s spine to make sales.
I’m Bunkin’ in your room cus!
A young girl named Betsy Swan was riding in the back of a truck down the dusty road. She was twirling a wheat stalk in one of her hands, had 3 fingers around a cigarette and a photo of her mom in her other three. It was her only reminder of home. She was going to live with her grand pappy in Ladles. She didn’t want to go and no one was forcing her to go. The only reason she is going is because she is mentally retarded.
The driver of the truck died of a heart attack as he was eating a Twinkie. He fell against the side of the door and the truck tipped over. Betsy crawled out of the truck wich had conveniently crashed outside her uncle's trailer. (oh yes. He is her uncle as well as her grand pappy). “well howdy stranger” he said. Betsy was silent. She is incapable of being part of a conversation.
As they were standing around awkwardly, Jacob black, an Indian came to say hi. “do you remember me? your dad shot me in the legs and no i can’t walk.”
- “OOOGHARGHGHAAR” Betsy replied. Get off my lawn you nigger!”
- “Hey! I’m more of a mocha, caramel colour. Your grandma has a blacker ass than me, even before she mistook that toaster for a new fangled sitting contraption.”
- “ you’ve seen my sisters ass?”
- “it’s not hard to miss. When she stands up, it blocks out the sun”
Mr Swan pulled out his whacking stick and poked Jacob in the eye and pulled out his brains.
- “LOLOLOLOL you can’t kill me! i’m a wear coyote.”
- “n00b. You don’t become a wear coyote until the next book and the events in this book take place before the other has been written. And that wasn’t in character at all. Rednecks don’t say LOL. There isn’t even internet down there.”
At this point of time, the author decided that this thread of the story was going absolutely no where, took some pills, screwed up his page and poured some coffee, after which he fell asleep due to the effects of his anti depressants. He woke up a few days later and continued to write the next chapter.
Some how, all the characters were magically transported to biology class without any visible way of getting there or for any reason for them to be there. Their teacher was going through the theory of evolution.
- “and then gawd clicked his fingers and BOOM! Stuff happened.”
- “how did he do that?” an albino boy from the back of the class piped up.
- “duh, cos he’s Gawd.”
- “what about dinosaurs?”
- “yeah, what about them? Do you see any dinosaurs? No. There aren’t any dinosaurs now and so there weren’t any dinosaurs when the world was created 3000 years ago.”
- “but what about fossils”
- “shut up. Questions feed the devil. As punishment you have to sit next to the retard”
- “your a retard and i hate you”
It seems that the albino kid, Edward, being a dick to Betsy caused her to fall deeply in love with him.
Imma Firin Me Laser. BLAAAAARG!
This chapter has absolutely no relation to shoop da whoopin, just like how this entire story has absolutely nothing to do with twilight. Oh, did i mention, Betsy has gone to a holiday to Spain for some reason. This chapter takes place at the running of the bulls festival.
Betsy saw a penny on the floor which is strange because they don’t use pennies in Spain. She went to go pick it up but was wearing no underpants and a mini skirt so when she bent down, the bull saw the bright red rash on her ass and charged at her. Then Edward, (the albino kid from biology class) showed up. He was in Spain also for some other reason which had no relationship to Betsy’s reason or for any reason related to the plot and his presence was entirely coincidental.
Edward is really a vampire but you aren’t suppost to know that until later in the book even though you already knew from reading the blurb at the back of the book. He uses his awesome vampire, ninja skills to kill the bull and save Betsy. “your still a retard and i still hate you.” This makes Betsy love him even more.
She then walks back to her trailer. She arrives about 10 months later and very wet after swimming across the Atlantic ocean.
The Pictures! They Move!
Mr Swan recently looted the local K-Mart during a recent union rally. For about 3 days now, Betsy and Mr Swan have been watching TV. There is never much on because neither Betsy or Mr Swan want to put up the areal because they know, if they do. the other will sit in the good couch in front of the TV and they will be forced to sit on the dog-pee couch. None of them had moved since they got the TV.
Mr Swan thought a of a clever way to fix the situation. Since he hadn’t been to the toilet for 3 days (and was really busting) he peed on the remaining good couch so Betsy wouldn’t sit on it while he set up the aerial. It didn’t work. Before you could say hootenanny, Betsy had her pee soaked ass in that couch.
The TV flickered to life and add came on.
“Are you living every day in fear?” “Do you distrust even your closest friends because they may be a vampire? Then anti vampire spray is what you need! Just spray it on. If is pleasant smelling and non greasy and it really works! Look! Do you see any vampires in this add? No! See, it does work! You can get yours delivered for only 8 easy payments of $64.99. but wait! If you call within the next 30 minutes we’ll through in another can of anti vampire spray for no extra price! That’s 2 for the price of 1! But hurry, stocks are limited.”
Something squeezed itself into Betsy’s mind. It had said that Edward was a vampire in the last chapter. Because infomercial stuff is so dodgy, if Betsy wore this spray, then maybe Edward would be attracted to her and they could have 12 toed babies.
6-8 weeks later, Betsy received her 2 can of anti vampire spray. Now she only has to contend with the child lock of frustration.
Betsy went to school the next day expecting to attract Edward. She was wearing a entire can of anti-vampire spray. It took like half an hour. The smell was so bad. . . that if it was any worse. . . well it would smell pretty bad wouldn’t it?
As Betsy walked into class, Edward was emmidietly attracted to her. He got a massive stiffy. All the blood ran out of his head and he passed out. his indestructible, vampire dick punched a hole in the floor. He awoke several hours later in a sticky puddle. The cleaner lady was poking him with her broom. The sight of he toothless face, stubby legs and hunched back made him go instantly flaccid. He got up and hobbled down to betsy’s trailor.
Fortunetly it was easy to find as it was parked across two lanes of traffic on one of the main road.
- ”get of my lawn you nigger!”
- ”Hey! I’m more of a pastey, albino color. Your grandma . . . i don’t have time for this”
He used his awesome vampire skills to get past Mr Swan. Bella was trying to catch those little colored balls inside one of those toy lawn mowers.
- ”i know that your retarded and smelly and ugly like a roby Williams video clip but i’m so hard for you right now.”
It was at that moment that he noticed the empty cans of anti-vampire spray.
- ”hey! How did you know i was a vampire!”
- ”BHAARGHOO - it’s been in like every other scentence – OAARG!”
- ”but your not suppost to know that! characters arn’t suppost to know about out of character things! you are meta gaming and that can get you banned for that.”
To cut the rest of the long, boring story short, Edward killed Betsy (after raping her and drinking the rest of the anti vampire spray – don’t judge him)
- ”Hey! Albino kid! Wheres your science partner. It’s been 3 weeks. Is she stuck in a storm water drain again?”
- ”no. I ate her.”
- ”oh. Well thats ok then. Did you save any meat for me. i love the tast of fresh students.”
“no. I sucked her dry and now i carry around her dehydrated skin sack wherever i go. Do you want to see? It fits into my back poket”
- ”ewey. Thats gross. Why would you do that?”
- ”duh. I’m a vampire. It sais that every second sentence.”
- ”I’m a teacher. I can’t read. And anyway, characters don’t have knowledge of out of character things.”
The sheriff arrived at Edwards house to arrest him for canibleism.
- ”put your hands up niggers! You are arrested for canibleism and stealing this house”
- ”for god sake. I’m white.”
- ”don’t kid yourself. White people have jobs and can afford to buy food. I bet you stole this house from a white guy”
- ”no, look at me. i’m white like a Englishman’s body after winter.”
- ”HE’S WEARING MAKE UP! GET HIM”
At that pont, Edward and the rest of his albino family killed the cops and ran away from ladels to live in a town called chopsticks in napal and everyone lived happily ever after. Mr Swan was happy that he didn’t have to feed his retarted daughter and so could pour more money into his neighbourhood watch program which was taking over scince all the cops were dead. The citizens of ladels were happy that they didn’t have to wear sun glasses to look at Edward and through them away until they realised that they lived in the desert and got sand in their eyes and with no betsy, the rest of the story progressed with no complications apart from Jacob Black stubbing his toe but he then rememberd that he didn’t have legs so everything was all right afterall.
Look out for New Moon. Comming soon. The action, kung fu epic starring Chuck Norris.