Why?:UnRoadMap/Alabama

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Welcome to Alabama, the little state with a big heart! Now, let's get you from point A to point B. Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B that so many people from point A are so keen to get there. They often wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell they wanted to be


“Alabama has proof of being stupid. Helen Keller was from there.”

~ Most of the people of Georgia on Alabama

“You got a purty mouth.”

~ unknown person from Alabama to someone from out-of-state

“Is that a tin roof on the mayor's building?”

~ People passing through Alabama

“You can make fun of it, but we have to live fucking next to it.”

~ Georgia on Alabama


Uncyclopedia wants you to be able to enjoy your travels to the best of your driving abilities (excluding the addition of back-seat driving). Whether your sober, drunk, underage or don't even have a car, we're here to help you get to where you want to be or are forced to go!

For your convenience, we do not include the location of garage sales, the fastest routes, your friend's house, nor do we utilize a standard mapping protocol, so stop sending us complaints, we just throw that kind of mail in the fireplace.


A L'il Background on That Lil Ole Subject![edit]

“Now, before we start, who can tell me why Alabama's famous? Yes, that's right, Billy, it's famous for racism! And? Yes, little Shirley, it is notoriously known for poor black squatters and perverted drunks! Anyone else? Yes! It is the only state that still refers to black people as Negroes and sometimes Slave Ni***s! No no, Jonathan, they do not worship wicked idols of the Dark Voodo Temptress Queen Karl Rove. Oh, what the hell, I'm so damn hung over, I can't even remember what I'm supposed to be teaching you! I'm still a little hammered from last night!”

~ Any 4th grade teacher from Missouri on Alabama

Select Your Starting Location[edit]

Where are you starting today?

Reference Number State
...omgwtfbbq? Alabama
Reference Number County Name
001 Autowaga County
003 Bald County
005 Barbed County
007 Bib County
009 Blunt County
011 Buttock County
011.5 Butt County
015 Callwho? County
017 Hambers County
019 Cherokey County
021 Paris Hilton County
023 Chocolate County
025 Kent Clark County
027 Clay County
029 Cleburned County
031 Coffee County
033 Colbert Report County
035 Connect-The-Dots County
037 Cocoa County
039 Covington County
041 Crenshot County
043 Cullman County
045 Dalek County
047 Dallas County
049 DeKalbKn County
051 Ellmore County
053 Escambian Coffee County
055 Etowahhteeoooh County
057 LaFayette County
059 Franklin County
061 Geneva Protocol County
063 Green County
065 Hail! County
067 Henry County
069 Houston County
071 Jackoff County
073 Jefferson County
075 Lamear County
077 Fort Lauderdale County
079 Lawrence County
081 King Leer County
083 Cobblestone County
085 Let-Me-Downs County
087 Macaroon County
089 Madison County
091 Mango County
093 Maroon County
095 Corporal County
097 Mobile Park County
099 Monroe County
101 Montgomery Scott County
103 Morgan County
105 Luke Perry County
107 Pick-a-nose County
109 Punt County
111 Rudolph County
113 Russell County
115 ShelbySears County
117 St. Clair County
119 Summer County
121 Talladega Nights County
123 Tallapoopa County
125 Tuscaooze County
127 Walker County
129 Washington County
131 Wilcocks County
133 Your County

If your starting location is not here, then you can kiss my shiny metal Bama butt.

001[edit]

Welcome to Autowaga County, home of the Alabama Trailer Park, the world's largest trailer park!

Major Highways[edit]

I just want a drink of water.

Minor Highways[edit]

  • All but the above ^
                                 | 

Major Cities[edit]

  • Autowagaville - Take Trailer Lane the 14th to gain easy access to this city. Need something? This town contains the following establishments:
    • Jane's Cash - Take my cash for free!
    • T Mart - Better than K Mart, home to 'customer service'.
    • A school - *gasp*
  • John Billingsley - Homeworld of the Denobulans! Simply take CR-37 to enter this town, though expect heavy tractor traffic leaving the area. This town contains the following establishments:
    • Nothing - Not even a McDonalds...
  • Millbrook - We actually have stuff! Just take the I-65 and you're in the town of riches and cream!
    • Super 7 Motel - Sure we are a large hotel, but where's the beef? (Definitely not in the continental breakfast...)
    • Galactica Bank - Drop your money off at one of our rag-tag banks.
  • Bratville - Are we there yet?

003[edit]

Bald county: the land down under that is not Australia. Also known as the home of Hurricane Frederic!

Major Highways[edit]

  • Interstate 10 - Goes right through us like a hot knife through butter
  • Interstate 65 - Nobody uses it, so who cares.
  • US Route 31-AB3C - Like a bisexual.
  • US Route 90 - The Interstate 10 is always jammed pack, so we provided this more inconvenient route for you to use!
  • US Route 9A - The US Route 90 A & B is always jammed pack, so we provided this even more inconvenient route for you to use!
  • US Route 9B - The US Route 90 is always jammed pack, so we provided this even more inconvenient route for you to use!
  • AK-47 - Everybody seems to use interstates and highways now-a-days, so start using this.

Minor Highways[edit]

Stop hand.png These highways appear to contain a few potholes, and by few, we mean 'Meelions'.
Contact your local politician if they care.

Major Cities[edit]

005[edit]

Barbed County: Established in 1832...and that's it. Home of George C. Wallace...oops, maybe not PC.

Major Highways[edit]

  • US Route Eighter-Two - Right through the north to the New Mexico (now who would make that...)
  • US Route 4-81 - It's so small and insignificant, it's made of manure!
  • AK-10 - Who?
  • AK-30 - What?!
  • AK-51 - When?!
  • AK-73 - Why?
  • AK-92 - How?!

Minor Highways[edit]

  • Turn a left off of the AK-10, follow the road for 10 minutes, then turn a right, left, straight for 5 minutes, reach a wall and stop. Climb the wall and you'll arrive at Abbey Road.

Major Cities[edit]

007[edit]

Bib County: Although named for some native water body, the name was baught out by the local baby population and renamed 'Bib'.

Major Highways[edit]

  • US Route Eighter-Two - Come see our farmlands (Farmer strikes may cause congestion)
  • AK-5 - AKA The Diaper Dump
  • AK-25 - Don't take it. Teh Master Sword lies apon.
  • AK-58 - Eh...don't take this one either
  • AK-219 - After AK-5 became the diaper dump, it was pretty obvious that a new road was needed. Complaining about the lack of a new road, the babies of the town dumped their diapers on the new road.

Minor Highways[edit]

  • None

Major Cities[edit]

  • Brent - Named for the town's 47th mayor: Brentingstonzery Von Son Bren Garrinsonbrent
    • Along AK-25
      • 25th United Security Bank - The 25th best interest rates in all of Alabama!
      • Wiggle my Doodle (That's a statement she verily mentioned last night. Genuinely.)

009[edit]

Blunt County: Take exit 420 and you're in Blunt County!

Major Highways[edit]

  • Interstate 65 - In our pants!
  • US-of-A Highway 31 - Links right up with the I-65
Expect major delays due to the county's high use of Ford Pintos.
  • US-of-A Highway 231 - It's beside the 31, but then again it's not. It's near the 31, but it's on the other side of the county. Shut up and start driving.
  • AK-75 -
  • AK-79 -
  • AK-132 - Abundance of red links
  • AK-160 - ...I'm supposed to write something here?

Minor Highways[edit]

  • Google Earth tells me nothing. Screw this, I'm using MapQuest.

Major Cities[edit]

  • It's All Good - In the Neighbourhood!
  • Alt.oona - Insert ad space here
  • Bluntsville - The city where everybody, except your neighhour, knows your name.
    • Along the 592th Main street of Alabama
      • Subway - Jared went here! (I think)
      • Super 10 - Sued by the Super 7 Ontario lottery, now named 'That's Super 10!
      • The Community Bank - Take your friend's money!

011[edit]

Buttock County: Just right up your backyard!

Major Highways[edit]

  • No Interstates - We're that special
  • US-of-A Highway 29 - Intersects with...
  • US-of-A Highway 82sies - ...this, which intersects with...
  • AK-51 - ...this!
  • AK-47 ...abandoned after Vietnam..... u know what

Minor Highways[edit]

  • There's probably some around the farms

Major Cities[edit]

  • Midway - You're half way there
    • Keep driving along the 82, we ain't gots nothing.
  • Union Springs - Unlike our brethren above, we are commercialization central!

011.5[edit]

Butt County: Buttock County has nothing against us

Major Highways[edit]

  • Interstate 65 - Eat that Buttock, pure pavement central!
  • US-of-A Highway 31 - The I-65's neighbour, because we love to waste pavement
  • AK-10 - Though this one is made of jerk off juice

Minor Highways[edit]

  • Find them yourselves

Major Cities[edit]

  • Georgia, Alabama, United States, Earth, Sector 001, Alpha Quadrant - I hate maps
    • Along the 1O6
      • Poor Boy's Cafe - Gruel central!
      • Country Classics - Not a fan of gruel? Try out homemade potted meat byproducts, just like grandma used to buy.

015[edit]

Callwho? County: Long-distance charges may apply.

Major Highways[edit]

  • Interstate 20 - Why bother?
  • A heck of a lot of US-of-A Highways
  • More AKs than an NRA convention

Minor Highways[edit]

Highway 204, to Jacksonville, Alabama. Nearby is Crystal Springs, where you had better not bring no muthafuckin watermelon.

Major Cities[edit]

  • Alexandria - Alexandria sure knows where to place a town...
    • Along the 43I
      • Discount Food Market - Hot Dogs for $0.10, and they're only 5 weeks old!
      • Subway - Jared also ate here, on some marathon.
      • Sonic Drive-Thru NUMBER ONE!!!!!!! - Yes, the first yellow Sonic Drive-Thru in all of this county Alabama the United States the world!
      • Home of the Valley Cubs- A school where sports players are worshipped and Pre-Cal is for "the smart kids".
      • Jacks- where a guy named Rayray will give you some fucking good chicken and maybe his friends wont steal your hubcaps.

017[edit]

Hambers County: Home of the home-burger, can we take your order?

Major Highways[edit]

  • Interstate 85 - Goes through the only place that has real civilization
  • US-of-A HighwA 29 - AKA Redundant Interstate 85
  • US-of-A HighwA 280 - We paid $50 million for this?!
  • US-of-A HighwA 431 - We're so good that we broke the route up to make it even more inconvenient for you!
  • AK-50 - Nobody uses this
  • AK-77 - Same here, we're so lonely...

Minor Highways[edit]

  • Ask your local farmer

Major Cities[edit]