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Less than nothing

Selected anniversaries

November 24: Pete Best's Birthday (US, UK)

• 1601 - Pilgrims celebrate the first Thanksgiving. Pete Best wonders why there is no Thanksgiving in the UK until he realizes that The English have nothing to give thanks for.
• 1859 - The great prophet Charles Darwin publishes his manifesto The Origin of Species, predicting the eventual birth of Pete Best.
• 1941 - Pete Best is kicked out of mother's womb.
• 1946 - Teacher sends note home to Best's parents, complaining about his sullenness and unwillingness to play bass with other children.
• 1951 - Mother auditions George Best as possible replacement in the family.
• 1955 - Learns to play drums. Snares, bass and drumsticks go off and socialize with one another, leaving Best out.
• 1960 - Makes trip to Germany; greeted with cries of "Rammstein forever, Pete Best never!"
• 1961 - Plays with Tony Sheridan; burns Virginia with Phil Sheridan.
• 1962 - The Beatles record demo version of "Love Me Do;" original chorus of "We hate our fucking drummer" goes unnoticed.
• 1962 - George Harrison stares icily at Best during a performance; Paul McCartney kicks his drum set during rehearsal; John Lennon hires Brian Epstein solely to fire Best.
• 1962 - George Martin brings Ringo Starr in to shout incoherently over Best's drum parts; later uses it as an excuse to fire Best.
• 1962 - Best kicked out of the Beatles.
• 1963 - Best kicked out of house;
• 1964 - Best kicked out of England; Elizabeth II says her kingdom "wants to go in a new direction."
• 1968 - Best briefly kicked back into Beatles when Ringo leaves during White Album sessions; quits when he realizes he'll lose his job a second time to a guy named "Ringo."
• 1970 - John, Paul, George and Ringo join Best in the "Ex-Beatles" group.
• 1971 - Alice Cooper jumps from a plane and disappears, after collecting a ransom which includes US$200,000 and a Pete Best box set.
• 1980 - Best kicks it old school.
• 1984 - Fozzie Bear tragically dies of a heart-attack.
• 1991 - Seven years after the song was released, Freddie Mercury breaks free and moves to the Moon.
• 1993 - David Dickinson makes headline news after cutting off negotiations to be in the Doom video game.
• 1995 - Release of Beatles Anthology allows new generation of fans to kick Pete Best around.

Bush

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Shit

Some generic night in some generic town. A generic storm is howling down generic streets. A generic person wakes up frightfully, staring down a hooded figure holding a scythe, which does not look generic at all. You...you...you...are...the Grim Reaper? mumbles the frightened generic person Have you come for my soul? Not at all, my dear fellow a wicked smiles forms inside the hood although it's a common mistake. I am, in fact, a Brothel Keeper, but my friends call me Necropaxx. The hooded figure winks its red eyes as it waves around what seems to be, under close inspection, a squeaky rubber scythe. Yes yes, I run a nice whorehouse for hippies down the road. Also, I make cheese. Sometime I put the cheese in the toaster. Sometimes I put my customers in the toaster. Oops, did I say that out loud? The hooded figure leans more closely towards the generically frightened person, peering at him intently. I believe you will do nicely with a nice glass of Bordeaux. Yes my dear fellow. I did not come for your soul, I came for your body. Medium rare.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we shall now commence our countdown sequence. Launch sequence initiated in ten...nine...eight...seven..." (countdown is abruptly stopped as some hysterical screams can be heard in the background) "Jesus H. Christ! What IS that thing!" "It...it...it looks like a turd...but like a...like a...500 ft tall turd! IT'S THE 500 FT TALL TURD MONSTER!!" "Wait, what is that thing it's pushing just ahead of it?" "It looks like...it looks like a coal wheelbarrow?" "And what the hell is pinned to its vile back?!" "Seems like a sign...?" "What does it say?!" "Going to Newcastle. Please walk the dog."

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