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“Riding on a pony I named Wildfire”

Wildfire™ is an insanely hot and spicy processed artificial cheese-like product, sold in 12 oz plastic tubs.


  • Wildfire™ may be used as a cosmetic product. When rubbed generously on the face, it acts as a natural chemical peel, removing unsightly wrinkles and skin layers. Users rage about its refreshing and anti-aging qualities.
  • Wildfire™ is also useful for hemorrhoid relief, effective as an insecticide, and can also be used to grease hinges and bicycle gears.
  • Wildfire™ among its other uses has been known to double as a very high-grade sexual lubricant.

Literary Endowment[edit]

Wildfire™ is known widely for its smooth and silky texture. Poets around the world have many valiant attempts to sing the praises of Wildfire™, creating quotable phrases like “It spreads like Wildfire™," and "AAUUGGGGGHHH IT BURNS!!!".


Wildfire™ is highly flammable; keep away from open flames and children.

Ingesting too much Wildfire™ may destroy taste buds, create gastronomical problems, and increase the risk of cataracts. AIDS is also a common side effect.


The most popular theory regarding the origins of Wildfire™ is that the substance was actually created by George Foreman as part of his evil master plan to take over the world, infusing it with magical powers that numb our minds and make us forget where we put the keys and if we like coleslaw or not.