William Mitchell

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about William Mitchell.

William Mitchell (February 30, 1818 - December 25, 1902), founder of a place where the Constitution means squat, spent his days pointing at old people and licking lobsters. Once, when he was just five, he wrestled a bear with his bare hands. William Mitchell thought the Soviet Union was cool once. He also came from Compton, where he was hip-hopping with the likes of Jesus, Santa, Snoop Dogg and a giant space iguana. Long live America.


Early Days[edit]

To date, William Mitchell holds the record for serving past Presidents, including President George W. Bush, Tom Cruise, Fabio and your mom. What does that mean, exactly? I'm not sure, but I bet it involves Childish Mysoginistic Behavior. If you're not careful, you might get hit by a bus.

Anyway, young Billy had always inspired to be an Iron Chef. He spent his days sharpening butter knives and playing cards. He never made it to culinary stardom, but instead, decided to draw cartoons, none of which took off. Later, he graduated from elementary school. He was fifteen.

Formidable Years[edit]

Master William worked as a high school custodian, fantasizing about a self-named line of soft drinks (Billy Booze), but was limited to using spaghetti sauces and castor oil. He never did make it to super-stardom.

More Really Big Words[edit]

I hate Major League Baseball.

Fun Facts About William Mitchell[edit]

  • William Mitchell was an evil genius
  • William Mitchell served as an attorney general. He lead armies of attorneys to their deaths in the great Attorney-massacre of 1945.
  • William Mitchell started such organizations as the Knights Templar and the NRA.
  • There's a pie named after William Mitchell.