Willow Rosenberg

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“To think I kissed her there--and there--and there!”

Dildo as Willow

Willow Rosenberg is an alias for Alyson Hannigan, which is, in turn, the stage name of actress Dildo Rosenberg. On the television series Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dildo started out as Willow, but she adopted the name Dildo after she developed a romantic crush on Tara Mustplay, who, like Dildo, was a practicing witch (at least, on the show). Willow hoped that the name Dildo would attract Tara's attention; it did, and the two witches became, as Buffy put it, "a couple of lesbian bitches."

Same-sex Hex[edit]

Dildo and Tara

One of the first spells Tara cast made the boobs of Willow (now Dildo) disappear so that Dildo, while still appealing to Tara, would be less likely to catch the eye of any rival lesbian witches (not that there were all that many in Sunnydale, California, where they, being homosexual, lived, atop the mouth of hell). Actor Adam Busch also played Dildo in one episode, when Tara decided that, before committing the rest of her life (which, not surprisingly, was short) to Dildo, she wanted to try at least one man. Dildo obliged her, transforming herself into Phallus. After a brief tryst, Tara decided that Dildo was her "one and only true love," and the two remained together until Tara was murdered. Although Sarah Michelle Gellar, like Amber Benson, who played Tara, and Alyson Hanningan herself, are all Jewish in "real life," only Dildo is Jewish on Buffy.

Wild Child[edit]

After having Dildo, her parents, Sheila and Ira, decided one daughter like Dildo (then Willow) was more than enough, and Sheila had a complete hissy fit, followed by a hysterectomy, while Ira underwent a vasectomy to ensure that they could never produce another wild child like Dildo (then Willow).

Geek Freak[edit]

A hopeless nerd, Dildo, when she was still Willow, dressed in ugly polyester outfits (usually with glaring stripes), belonged to the Computer Club, the Math Club and the Science Club (could a girl be any geekier?), and tutored her fellow students. The only thing with a penis that was attracted to her was her friend from kindergarten, Xander Harris, a closeted homosexual with a preference for jocks. She went out of her way to annoy the more popular girls at Sunnydale High School, especially cheerleader Cordelia Chase, who was built like a brick shithouse, and Cordie's friend, Harmony Kendall. Despite her hatred for Santa Claus, which, she blamed on her Jewish heritage, Dildo (as Willow) suffered from a messiah complex, according to her mother, who should know since she was a psychiatrist.

Pup Sup[edit]

As Willow, Dildo dabbled in magic, but, by her own admission, most of her spells came out like "soup," and she lost the interest of a musician named Oz when she ate his dingo "babies" (trouser puppies). Thereafter, Dildo dropped the name Willow and began to pursue same-sex relationships. Buffy spurned her advances as "monstrous," threatening Dildo with a wooden stake and advising her to sew her labia shut.

Gal Pal[edit]

Dildo blowing fairy dust

In college, Dildo met Tara, and the two became as close to being lovers as it is possible for two lesbians to become, kissing frequently and smiling suggestively at one another as they whispered double entendres. In bed, they also practiced "magic" and, eventually, they became adept and powerful at sprinkling large quantities of fairy dust in the eyes of vampires, demons, and heterosexual men. However, after encountering transsexual Marti Noxon, Dildo became addicted to spells, mainlining incantations and snorting mojo. Like the viewers, Tara and the other characters pretended to care.

Bitch Witch[edit]

Unable to continue a relationship with a magic junkie, Tara broke up with Dildo, and the bitches witches took up separate residences. When Tara was murdered by cereal serial killer Warren Mears, however, Dildo experienced a soul-shattering premenstrual syndrome (PMS) attack, eventually skinning Mears' penis. After a brief period of feeling sorry for herself as she roamed the pleasant Jills and Dales of England and tried, to no avail, to seduce the renegade Slayer named Faith, Willow returned to Sunnydale and took up with a sleazy wannabe Slayer named Kennedy. Finally, the federal government deported Dildo as an "undesirable" un-American, and she and Kenendy set up housekeeping in Rio de Janeiro, "because," as Dildo confided to Buffy, "it has a girly name."