Windows OMG

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

Clippy.gif

It looks like you're reading something funny. Can I read it?


Windows OMG Box Cover
Windows OMG
(Part of the Microsoft Windows family)
Nuvola apps important blue.svg This template is blue because this article needs cleanup.
Please make spelling, grammar, or punctuation corrections, reorganize the content, or delete bad content and clichés so this template will cheer up.

Incorrect usage! Please sign with timestamp: {{Cleanup|~~~~~}}

“It was originally going to be named "XPLOL". Then we thought of "Windows ???"... but we decided on OMG so that we can roll out a new project. "Microsoft Christianity 2010 PLUS!"”

~ Bill Gates on naming OMG

Overview[edit]

Windows OMG Edition is currently in Alpha-Beta-Delta-Sorrority RC 0.1 phase.

It is code-named Windows OMG. However that will most likely end up being its release name as well. It will be the successor to Windows Vista and will be 200000x times easier to use and will only get half the spyware that Vista, XP, and Windows 2000 are vulnerable to.

Features[edit]

Windows OMG will come with many new features, most of which you will never find a use for, but will use them anyways because you don't want to do your work at the office.

Paint will now come with a feature to load pictures of commonly-hated people (your boss), so you can deface them while you should be doing that spreadsheet. Speaking of spreadsheets, OMG will come with 20 templates to make it look like you're working, even though you aren't, more will be downloadable if you actually paid for Windows OMG. However, if someone stole your key, Microsoft will have to infect you with Windows Anti-Piracy-Notifying Software that you didn't want downloaded, and tell you how invalid your legally licensed software is!

Other things that will come with OMG include:

  • Oh My Media Player
  • Oh My Solitaire
  • Oh My Minesweeper
  • Oh My Internet Exploder
  • Oh My Spyware
  • Oh My Goddess


HmmHmmHmmHmmHmmHmmm.....Pie tastes like.......pie... :D

Features[edit]

Windows OMG will have so many features you're not supposed to know about.

The Blue Screen of Death has been updated to version 2.7, and is now capable of telling you exactly what you did wrong, and how you can prevent yourself from being so stupid in the future.

(I.E: You idiot, we know you visited Apple.Com, to prevent yourself from being so stupid, do not type the word Apple while using this Operating System. We have closed all your important documents for you, and have not saved them. Please reboot your system. Lulz)

“The blue screen of death is the best game I've ever played. Mac users are missing out!”

~ Oscar Wilde on BSoD

OMG will also feature Internet Explorer 9

“We knew that IE 8 would be a failure. So we took Opera and called it IE 9 to avoid being laughed at.”

OMG will also feature several "Pirate Traps" which will lure n00b$ and script k1dd13$ into the police stations.

The most prominent of these Pirate Traps is a shortcut placed on the desktop called "Steal ur neighborz wi-fi" and "H4x0rz that m0nk3y"

If you double click either of these icons, the police WILL show up at your house, regardless of if you live in Sweden or not.

Windows OMG will also set your system clock backwards automatically by 1 hour, so you'll never be early for an appointment.

Requirements[edit]

  • Windows OMG will require a
  • 4096-bit Processor
  • 666 gigabytes of RAM
  • 1 terrabyte of hard-drive space. An überbyte is recommended
  • 128" Plasma monitor (BSoD-ready)
  • 400,000 hamsters connected in series
  • And most importantly, it will require
    "A lot of patience" ~~ "An insane amount of patience is recommended"

4096-bit[edit]

OMG will run on top of a 64-bit kernel, on-top of the NT 32-bit kernel, on top of the 16-bit Windows 3.11 kernel, on-top of 2-bit DOS 1.0. Providing amazing backwards-compatibility. However it will still not work with any program that does not benefit Microsoft in some way.

RAM[edit]

666gb of RAM is recommended. You may get your RAM from the bowels of Hell for amazing performance, however taking RAM from Hell may result in spontaneous combustion / over-heating, be sure to use MANY noisy fans. Also, while you are in hell, you may get eaten alive by the devil itself, Bill Gates. He will first eat your hand so you cannot control a mouse or a keyboard, then he will attempt to delete your CPU, your brain.

Hard-drive[edit]

1 terrabyte isn't that much hard-drive space. But you'll only have 1gb left for Apps and Games. Not to mention you need that 1 gb for the .NET Framework. So you might as well get petabyte to accommodate for spyware, viruses, and pr0n. An überbyte is highly recommended if you want to do anything useful at all.

Hamsters[edit]

Unfortunately Bill Gates got bored this time and decided that instead of making the Operating Sister incompatible with software, it would be more practical for this OS to run on hamsters, as they are in large supply, and due the fact that everyone has hamster wheels in the thousands at home. Do be aware though, that on the back of the box that OMG came in, in 0.0000001 size Wingdings font, is written: "We do not supply hamster wheel wiring. You are advised to create your own as we know of no retailer that sells them."

Virus / Spyware Protection[edit]

Microsoft (R) (C) (TM) (OMG) can no longer trust you as a dimwitted customer to buy virus protection on your own. So we have included Oh My I got haxed security package. At (almost) no extra charge!

This security suite will protect you against many things, and will alert you to all hacking attempts by running in the background using up 98.9 percent of your CPU at all times!

Also, Windows OMG will ship with a newly designed firewall. It will come in the form of a condom that you can put on your Network Cable or Wireless Antenna, to protect you from all the STDs of the internets.

The OH MY! Firewall

Gaming[edit]

Windows OMG will of course come preloaded with the most popular games like

  • Oh My Solitaire
  • Oh My Pinball
  • and Oh My Laser Penguins, DUCK!

However you will be able to install your own games like

  • Halo 17
  • Duck Pwner
  • and Zombie Killer 2.0 Teh Sequle lolz.

A useful feature is the suicide bombing function, which is activated upon an attempt on the users part to install WoW. Bill Gates was critically acclaimed in Time Magazine his one stroke of genius.

However you will need to buy $5,000 (USD) to purchase extra components that you normally wouldn't need to play these games. You will also need 20 times more than the minimum system requirements state, because Oh My Virus! is using up 98.8 percent of your CPU in the background, and theres no way to uninstall it!

Rollback[edit]

Unlike previous versions of Windows, where "rollbacks" were possible. You will be stuck at Windows OMG forever. You will not be able to format your hard-drive. Not even with Super-Electro Magnets. Also, opening your computer will prove fatal if you are not a Microsoft Licensed professional, so don't even bother trying. Resistance is futile!

Also, upon paying for Windows OMG, your soul will be sold to Satan and not using this product will result in eternal damnation. (Eternal Damnation is not available in the Trial or Beta versions)

Versions[edit]

As can logically be expected, many different versions will be sold. However you will never know which one is right for you!

  • OMJ Oh My Jesus! : This version is designed for users who want minimal new features, but still want to experience the OMG system.
  • OMG Oh My God! : This version will feature almost all new features, but you will be missing things you really want, like the new BSoD
  • OMFG Premium wtfx : This version will have everything a home user could ever want. With the exception of eternal damnation.
  • OMG WTF BBQ : This version is aimed at businesses looking to collaborate with other companies, to trade souls, and monies amongst each other. It will have no mass-volume-licensing. You have to type each product key in by hand. (LOLzorz, even the IT guy is not safe from us.. >:) )
  • OMGDS : Oh My Goddess! edition, designed for pagans.
  • OM : Oh My!, also known as Windows OMG: Atheists Edition.
  • Bill Gates Edition: Only someone who is in direct relationship to Satan / Santa will be able to use this version of Windows OMG
  • OMA Oh My Allah! : This version is designed for the Muslim community. It is a proud member of the Patriot Act and will be used to monitor those mussies. Although no change is expected, since they'll use the same 'Error Report' feature currently in use for Windows XP and Windows Vista... seriously George, who the hell reads those things? Does anyone give a freakin' damn about that?

Other useless facts[edit]

  • Faster: Windows OMG is faster than ever before.
  Just as this was a lie for the past 6 versions of Windows, it's a lie here too.
  but you don't have to know that ;)
  • More Secure: After you download 125 updates released at launch, and all sub-sequent updates for the rest of your life, yeah, it's pretty secure. After installing each one of these updates there will be three levels of security:
    • Microsoft™ Isolation Security - This system uses explosives and is 80% effective at blocking viruses, however you are completely cut off from the internet due to the asploded state of your internet cable or Wi-Fi related connections
    • Microsoft™ Microsoft Security - Obviously this does nothing, except waste speed and space, hence the name.
    • Microsoft™ Premium Security - This has been proved 100% effective at stopping viruses getting onto your computer, instead it creates better, Microsoft ones.
  • Get more done: Only after you win a game of solitaire will you actually feel like doing anything productive.
  • Better than Macintosh: We stole it from them and made it better. Ours has DRM!

“I am your father”

~ Bill Gates to Steve Jobs

“OMG! AAAAHAHAHAHAAAAH”

~ Steve Jobs response to Bill Gates on "Fatherhood"
  • Windows, more powerful and dictator like than ever-before: After you purchase 200 add-ons including Microsoft Office.
  • Now with Paper-Clip blocker: You spoke, we listened. For a mere 20 USD a week, he will be removed.

Price[edit]

Bill just couldn't be evil enough if he didn't have a hefty price tag. So, here's a break down of what it will cost you.

  • 1 überbyte hard-drive. : 2,000 USD
  • 666 gb of RAM : About 20,000, thats if you get the cheap kind, you cheap bastard.
  • 4096-bit processor : Only 500,000 dollars from your latest quantum research lab!
  • The actual OS: One Soul and around 42 cents.
  • A lot of patience : Your life!

So, all in all, it will cost roughly, $"More than you can afford" and 42 cents.

Software[edit]

There will be certain software that will only work on the amazing OMG platform. Such software includes

Dictatorship[edit]

With Dictatorship Professional PLUS! edition 2001 Service Pack 2, you will always be in control of your Country (unless you forget to update it, or fail Windows-Anti-Piracy-Thingy check)

M.S.S IM[edit]

Microsoft Spend Instant Messenger. Enjoy talking to your friends online? Well we have good news for you. You can do it with ease. Provided you give-in to 200 pop-up ads, banner ads, email spam, and everything else annoying you could possibly think of. Please support our advertisers. We get 99,9% of the profit!

Popup blocker SP 2[edit]

It's finally been updated. Now you can browse the web without worries. You will no longer receive any pr0n popups ever again! (However, you will receive normal, not sexy popups, as well as gay-pr0n popups. <Insert Evil Laugh>)

There is also a free version - but it does include popup advertising to help keep microsoft going.

Notepad v2[edit]

We've finally updated. Now the word-wrap has even less functionality, it's twice as hard to change font-size, and you still can't read any format thats not .txt! Congratulations, you have the most advanced text-editor ever. Unfortunately Notepad is still known to cause a few issues with some people or versions of OMG. However, since Microsoft Word relies on the unreliability of Notepad you can't refuse to have it installed on your system (because without Microsoft Word running all the time your computer may forget that it's a computer). We actually include this free of charge!

Notepad is also being used to test an experimental and better new Microsoft Keyboard (which starts with the letters M I C R O S F T), but unluckily we haven't had time to actually manufacture the new keyboards so you're going to have to get used to pressing the "Q" button for "M" and the "T" for "O". .

Other stuff...[edit]

Theres a lot of other stuff, but you can't read about it because you failed WGA Windows Anti-Piracy thingy software check. Sorry, you have to purchase a licensed copy to be in the cool crowd! To legally purchase your Windows Software please...

  • Purchase a Microsoft Zune
  • Purchase every copy of Windows from 1.01 to Windows Vista Super-Home-Ultimate-Premium-for Businesses.
  • Press the Any key
  • Buy everything that has the word Microsoft on it
  • Congratulations, you are now genuine!

Ninjas[edit]

Ninjas will love our new operating system. Have you ever been on a secret ninja scouting mission, and suddenly your computer blerts out.

 LOL, you've got mail... its from yer girl friend... teehe!

Nothing more embarassing, or revealing then that. Windows OMG can now activate in super-secret stealth mode. So instead of hearing the above message, you'd hear something more along the lines of this

 *whisper* pssst, you've got mail from yer girl friend, but i can see yer busy
 so I'll send the automated "I-Slept-With-Your-Sister Reply!"... hey look over there, an enemy
 HI ENEMY! Wanna purchase Windows OMG!          

Windows OMG also supports Shuriken Throwing technology on most DVD-Burners. (Note: Almost no DVD-Burners support this, and it only works with Microsoft certified Shurkiens. Although, it does feel nice thinking your DVD-burner might support this... doesn't it?)

Piracy[edit]

Piracy? Piracy isn't an issue anymore. We have gotten rid of our Activation technology altogether.

Why did we get rid of it? Because, in Microsoft-Land... *cough* I mean, in America, you don't buy Windows OMG, Windows OMG BUYS YOU! (Therefore we will shortly be installing our Activation technology on you.)

(Activation is still required in the UK, Japan, China, Italy, Sealand, and minor outlying non-existent islands... however, it's more fool-proof than ever. If you don't activate within 5 minutes, it kills you.)

Installation[edit]

To install Windows OMG is simpler than ever before. Simply insert the DVD-ROM into a compatible paper shredder. Be sure to read the instruction manual before shredding that aswell.

We highly recommend you grab a cup of Microsoft Coffee and enjoy the pretty blue screen as we wipe out all your data.

Please note that the Installer used here, as well as in Windows XP, and the bootstrap that launched the Vista installer, all originate from the MS-DOS 6.22 Installer. Don't blame us, blame that poor homeless guy we stole DOS from!

After it has installed you will be required to create an admin account without a password, so it is easier for hax0rz to infect your data. You will then need to Register your copy with the mothership so that we know what pr0n you are looking at. Also you will need to become genuine. You can do so by purchasing all past, current, and future Microsoft software.

Backwards Compatibility[edit]

Windows OMG will feature amazing backwards compatibility. Some of this will be most noteworthy in the entirely new "Driver Back-end". It automatically replaces drivers that you installed on your own with Microsoft Certified drivers. Like the Default Mouse.DLL.EXE.HAX driver (see picture)

See, see! We installed it auto-magically...

You will be able to use legacy 16-bit and 32-bit software. Provided you by the Microsoft Windows OMG 16/32-BIT software converter time stream continuum adaptable hardware connection trigger network firewall port! (16 and 32 Bit software converter time stream continuum adaptable hardware connection trigger network firewall port's sold separately.)

However support for these applications will be limited. The Windows OMG ITS CLEAR AND 4D wTFX!! theme will not be applied to legacy applications. The theme that is applied will look even worse than the Windows Classic Theme itself! This is why you don't use Microsoft Office version 1.0!

Windows OMG unfortunately does not support ANY type of non-moving Power Supply Unit (excluding possible fans on them) and so if you do not own a non-moving Power Supply Unit then OMG will reject the PSU by ejecting it out of your case covered in a load of real-world binary jazz. Fortunately Microsoft found a way round this problem, that is by powering up your computer straight from a dynamo capable of generating 4,000,000,000,000 watts of power. Scientists have recommended the use of 400,000 hamsters to do the work, though information on whether or not to use steroids is not supplied.

Forwards Compatibility[edit]

Please purchase a genuine license for Microsoft Time Machine, or Microsoft Time Machine Plus! to view this section.

Disclaimer[edit]

Testing software that is in Alpha Beta Delta Sorority RC 0.1 Phase may lead to

  • Brain Aneurisms
  • Strokes
  • Seizures
  • Blood Clots
  • Unintended Hairloss
  • Intended Hairloss
  • Facial hair may grow during the install period. Please purchase a Microsoft Razer or Lazer to cut off your newly grown beard.
  • Color Blindness

If you do not wish to experience these side effects, please refrain from testing until Beta Omega Fraternity RC 3.14 phase.

IF YOU PIRATE a testing version of Windows OMG, you will also experience these extra side effects

  • Loss of sleep
  • Fear of Bill Gates (Bill-o-phobia)
  • Fear of Floppy drives with large teeth
  • Fear of your computer becoming an AI and eating your brains for breakfast
  • The want to say "All my wallet is belong to micro$oft!!!11eleven"
  • Date rape involving Linus Torvald and Richard Stallman

Summary[edit]

Windows OMG is the suckiest operating system you will ever use and only takes approximately 200.63x more resources than Windows Vista.

It is great for

  • Gaming
  • Ninjas
  • Spreadsheets
  • Ease of being annoyed

It is not intended for

  • Ease of use
  • Hackers
  • Mac Users
  • Oscar Wilde
  • Your Face
  • Linux Users
  • Anti-Bill Gates people

Testing Status :: All Alpha Beta Delta Sorrority testing licenses have been sold... you have to wait until it costs money LOLZ!