Windows Vista/Old

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This article is about Windows Vista. You may be actually looking for Mac OS X. Yes, it's amazing how similar they look! But don't worry, Microsoft is still innovating, just as it always has... or you might have been looking for shit in which case you are there
Vista logo


Windows Vista or Windows Mac OS Xgl (pronounced `viz-ter; from Arabic wusta "middle finger") is the successor to Windows XP and a Mac OS X clone. The name may also stand for Windows Viruses Intruders Spyware Trojans, Attack! It has been in development since the introduction of Windows 95 in 1895, and is expected for release in a future odd-numbered year. Well, not really. It appeared 30 minutes after the developers got the idea about it in a hacker website. You can download it by clicking here. Similar to the Home and Professional versions of Windows XP, Vista will ship in over sixty different versions, including AIDS, Confident, Clear, Connected, Connected XL, Connected Ultimate, Ultimate XL, Ultimate Ultimate, Ultimate Squared, and 2 to the power of Ultimate, and I Can't Believe It's Not Ultimate! expected to retail between $99 and $29990 (plus on-road costs). Vista should not be confused with Windows Longhorn, the codename for Macintosh OS 10.4 "Tiger", released in April 2005.

When using Vista, never, NEVER, push the Escape button. That was one crazy day...

It is believed that this will be the last version of Windows, hence the name Windows Hasta la "Vista".

Bill Gates has strongly stated that it was never named "Windows Longwait" by the development team. "It was", he said, "Always and definitely 'Windows Longwait', I mean, 'Windows LongHORN'."

An average Vista setup. (Note the high-tech appearance)
Installation of Windows Vista. (Note the high-tech ASCII Art Windows Vista logo) (Wow, Windows DOS Aero!)

History[edit]

The original name was VINMOX short for "VINMOX Is Not Mac OS X". Windows Vista was designed as a successor to Windows XP when it became evident that simply increasing the digit after "SP" without doing anything was not enough for stopping viruses from plaguing the computer in, like, 10 seconds.

It's better to say that Windows Vista was not designed, and Microsoft went like, "Let's collect our improvements for XP and release it as XP++!" And this is how Windows Longwait Longhorn was born. Then they decided to add IE7, and the release was postponed for ten years. When IE7 did come out, it turned to be an IE6++ with downgraded and uncustomizable user interface (Microsoft needed to make sure that all users of this new browser would be confused, so they messed around with the menu bars and tabbed browsing), because all these years they were busy implementing PNG transparency support. How convenient. Along with IE7, the home page is set to some random website that Bill Gates found on the net, www.justmatty.com

A group of satisfied Mac OS X Windows Vista users
Box cover for the Lithuanian edition of Windows Višta. The inscription says: "Bringing light to your world. Windows Chicken"

During all these years of hard work, it was decided that "Longhorn" sounded too horny, and horny windows were, in fact, non-existent. When looking for a new name, Microsoft noticed that the new Windows logo (actually, the old XP Windows logo, repainted for Longwait Longhorn in white on blue, as Microsoft experienced shortage of colors) allowed the Windows box to look basically the same when upside-down. So they picked VISIΛ as a name that could be written under/over such a logo.

But then it was discovered that VISIΛ resembled Microsoft Visio, which was not developed by Microsoft. To avoid confusion, Microsoft added two extra lines, and the name became VISTA, which, luckily, stood for everything Vista was expected to have:

When using Windows Vista, never, NEVER, push the F1 button. It will touch you...

According to Microsoft Support, the name has no connection to the current product manager, notorious hacker Astala Vista.

Windows Vista was expected to be released in 2006, but was never released due to the Nike Revolution of 2006, which had drastic impact on Microsoft. Now, it is believed that final Vista version will be released in 2104.

Features[edit]

RSoD[edit]

The Blue Screen of Death is in some cases replaced with a red one. This is not actually a new feature in the eyes of many severely colour-blind users of previous Windows versions.

Multimedia[edit]

Windows Vista gets you closer to Hollywood than ever before. Before you can watch a movie on a Microsoft Windows Vista system you have to travel to Los Angeles to ask for permission from Tom Cruise's accountant in person and only then can you fondle the hallowed bit of silver plastic into your computer.

Vista also let's you talk directly to your computer in such a way that let's set so double the killer delete select all!

When using Windows Vista, never, NEVER push the F2, F3, or F4 buttons. It will.... it will... NO! It's too horrible to speak of!! It will.... -FATAL ERROR ERASING C:/ DRIVE PLEASE WAIT-

All error messages are displayed in 3D graphics, including the newly designed Blue Screen of Death, which also substitutes as a point-and-shoot game while you are waiting for tech support.

A brand new revolutionary 3D minesweeper is available for an additional US$399.

WTF is everywhere.

WTF[edit]

Perhaps the most anticipated new feature is the Windows Tracing Foundation, or WTF. Previously known as the Microsoft .SPY technology, it is only a 221 MB download for old OSes and is required for all Vista-compatible applications to run. It was developed as a result of Microsoft's attempt to eliminate spyware. You put all your information in WTF, and instead of having spyware look for this, this application broadcasts the information for you. That way you get none of the slow down from the traditional spyware programs. To repeat, not to be outdone by the 1337 script-kiddies, Microsoft has bundled its own Spyware and Adware with Windows Vista. This software is a part of important Windows programs like Notepad, Calculator, Solitaire, MS Paint, IE7, Outlook Express Windows Mail, Microsoft Anti-Spyware Windows Defender, Media Player, DirectX, and even that DOS compatibility layer and all the source code stolen from Linux, AmigaOS, OS/2, OpenBSD, Mac OSX, and other competitors' products. This way Microsoft can spam and pwn you first. See also WinFU and WinPE, which are also a part of WTF, but cleverly hidden as a system feature.

Built-in Internets[edit]

Another shitty application is the AOL bundled Internets access. Not only does this tie up phone lines (for those old enough to remember vocal communication), but it also makes sure that it dials the number that would be furthest away from your home area code. This was done in cooperation with AOL. And people say that Microsoft does not collaborate with anyone.

Extra security[edit]

Windows Vista will automatically protect the user from performing legitimate activities. To do this, it will disable user input, which by nature is insecure. Windows Vista will attempt to use the user, that is, to make the user do its bidding. Vista will achieve this thanks to a new technology, called Trusted Computing, which will enable the RIAA to trust your computer, to delete all types of software (legal and illegal) that you have on your PC, and also to send you an electric shock if you forget to pay the monthly fee to the MPAA.

DRM[edit]

DRM (Digital Restriction, Montana) refers to the code name of top-secret integrated anti-piracy restriction, coded entirely in Klingon by Michael Stipe. Microsoft will distribute Vista with unprecedented advances in the widening of intarweb tubes, (see also: AOL). Each "90-Day free trial" DVD will arrive sealed in a solid block of lucite, and wil require a proprietary digital media reader (see also: Betamax) in order to be installed. License codes for Windows Vista are inscribed one character at a time on sequentially-numbered granite boulders, delivered bi-weekly by helicopter to the user. The Patriot Act established any attempt to activate a copy of Microsoft Vista using a fake license code as terrorism.

Eternal Life[edit]

The good old Blue Screen Of Death (BSOD) is back at least, because Vista always crashes! (Actually, XP never crashed, either. It's all the driver developers' fault! No, seriously.) However, Vista inherited XP's Blue Screen Of ResurrEction (B-SORE), which now has a name and is a separate OS. You may consider using it instead of Vista, if you are crazy and have no HDD.

Because the Blue Screen got so lonely, Bill Gates has added a Red Screen of Death that appears when Blue Screen fails to load.

Vista's graphics are unparalleled for gaming.

WinAbbrFuckMeInTheAssholle[edit]

An example of Microsoft's recent marketing campaign supporting Windows Vista.

Windows Vista also features WinFX, WinFS, WinFU, WinPE and other scary abbreviations starting with Win. This embellishes Windows' motto: "Windows Wins".

Basically, WinFX is yet another API built atop Win32. No, .NET was not enough, or maybe fell from grace. Or maybe Microsoft was just tired of testing and creating compatibility layers for thousands of applications that stopped working every time someone tried to make Win32 functions do exactly what they were said to do in MSDN.

WinFS is something far more sinister: it is a file system. Or isn't it? Well, try asking God, because Microsoft doesn't know what it is, for a WinFS that can be described is not a true WinFS. In the first alphas, WinFS was that nasty EXE process that ensured it consumed all your processor time while doing nothing but while(1)'ing. (And who wants a 15MB-sized while(1) program?) Later, this function was transferred to uxss.exe (see Aero, below), so WinFS was now useless and was removed from Vista. Actually, this was predictable, as the very name "Windows Future Storage" suggested that it would never be released. Microsoft has in fact known this all the time, but announced recently that WinFS will not ship.

WinFU is part of the NSA backdoor that Microsoft agreed to put into every copy of Windows since Windows NT 4.0 and Windows 98. This happened when the NSA made an agreement with Microsoft to get the DOJ drop the Monopoly charges in exchange for Microsoft putting in a NSA backdoor. With WinFU, the NSA, or anyone else, can get complete and total remote control of your system. It uses the RPC calls along with Terminal Services and Remote Access when the password "J. Edgar Hoover" is given on the RPC port to activate the NSA Key and allow the remote system to log on as Administrator. The built in firewall makes sure that the RPC port is opened when this password is used.

When using Windows Vista, never, NEVER push the "E" button on the keyboard. DON'T DO IT!!!

WinPE is a miniature version of Windows that runs in a virtual machine under Vista. It is a place to put spyware and adware that most commercial virus scanners cannot detect. This way Microsoft can say that Vista is secure and immune to viruses, and still collect money from Adware and Spyware makers to allow them to infect Vista. If they are well hidden, the user will never know that they exist. Sure it slows down the whole Windows system, running the virtual machine and all of that spyware and adware, but people have gotten used to sluggish systems anyway.

Aerosmith[edit]

Vista includes a new visual style for pilots. The previous style, Luna, was abandoned when the U.S. stopped financing its space exploration program. With Aero, 99% of your processor time will be wasted on used for rendering 3-D menubars and window frames! At least it won't be wasted on nothing, namely, on a certain "System Idle Process".

When Microsoft was asked why Aero was introduced in Vista, making it utterly useless for anyone who doesn't know what Ctrl-Shift-F9 is, they admitted that Ctrl-Shift-F9 is a developer function that will be disabled in the final release, as well as the ability to "net stop themes". Microsoft also mentioned its plans for an "Aero Experience Program", which consists of seminars where Microsoft will explain why Aero is an integral part of Windows Vista and what advantages the new DirectX-powered window decoration, and wonderful colors will bring to power users and system administrators who have never visited before an art gallery. It is suspected that Aero is mostly needed for the rival graphics system OpenGL, which was rewritten as an abstraction layer atop DirectX/Aero to ensure its superior performance, notably 50% that of the previous OpenGL implementation. [1] Microsoft expects that this will boost the competition between OpenGL and DirectX.

Search[edit]

The last great feature in the new OS is the search engine. According to Steve Ballmer, the CEO, it is going to fucking kill Google. Not only will the search engine find info on the local drives, it will look everywhere else for the files as well. This includes other networks, other systems, under your bed, and especially the Google mainframe. This search engine is so predictive that it is supposed to anticipate your search and send your files to hackers before you even type it; this fixes a major complain by homeland security that complained we were late for this feature promised in 1984.

Actually many attribute this improved search feature due to the "Minority Report" pre-cog's coming out of retirement. However after investigation it appears they have been activly working for the last several years. It was only when Dominos Pizza refused to re-negotiate, the contract with Microsoft was struck. (Don't be expecting your pizza in a 1/2 hour or less anymore).

Fat User Switching[edit]

There is still fat user switching included in this new OS. Only with this one, no one needs to sign in, all they have to do is press the space bar. All Vista-compliant keyboards are equipped to read the sweat on your fingers, then the OS allows you to go in to where you want to go. However, it is also a very temperamental type of program. If it cannot read your sweat, it lets you in as a "super administrator" to check which one is yours and then let you go to the right folders and information. This is a major advance in addressing security and resource issues in a multiple-user environment. It also takes a "Blood Sugar" reading and if your numbers are high, you are automatically switched to webmd.com/diabetes/ for further instruction.

When using Windows Vista, never, NEVER, remind it that it isn't a Mac. It will need its iZoloft again...

No installation required[edit]

It achieves this by imposing a limit of 0 installations on any one system.

Other Features[edit]

  • A new, honest, simple, and understandable update platform with straightforward language.

Minimum System Requirements[edit]

To use Windows AstalaVista your hardware should meet the following requirements:

  • 512bit CPU at 2ZHz (ZettaHertz)
  • BlueGene/L Rpeak 367000 Gflops [2]
  • Flux capacitor (used to steal idle CPU time from computers in the past and future, also theorized that it's the reason XP was so damn slow)
  • 128GB DDR5 1111GHz radiation-shielded RAM
  • 100TB of free hard disk space on a 9999999...really high RPM Hybrid flash disk drive with a 1TB cache
  • NVIDIATI RadeoForce 6x1010
  • ITER, or preferably a 500TW cold fusion reactor
  • 9000 Cubic inch FatScreen Monitor (1 x 1 LCD recommended)
  • 160Gbps OC-3072 direct connection to Microsoft for unique "phone home" features.
  • Willingness to reinstall Vista every year after it crashes

How to calculate the speed of Windows Vista (fps of the desktop when moving a window)[edit]

After lots of maths lessons I found a formula which tells me the fps I would get if I dragged a window.

  • (AMD platform): fps = 1
  • (Intel platform): fps = 1
  • (IBM G6 @500GHz): fps = 0.001

Minimum User Requirements[edit]

To use Windows AstalaVista you should meet the following requirements:

  • Enough desk space for 10,000 mostly redundant CDs
  • Five days worth of food, water and medication
  • An IQ under 60, or an IQ over 313
  • Fluency in all major African clicking dialects so as to comprehend the shrieks of pain emitted from your hard drive
  • Plenty of porn to entertain yourself while this is a slow system
  • Mind-numbing substances, so you can be empathetically unresponsive
  • Suicide helpline number
  • Bill Gates Voodoo doll
  • Sacrificial goats to appease the evil spirits
  • Intravenous alcohol drip
  • A dumpster below your window
  • And finally, a towel to throw in.

p.s. a tool for hara-kiri, just in case the previously named doesn't do the trick.

How to install vista (NON UPGRADE VERSION (It's cheaper that the upgrade version, but it takes longer to install, another marketing ploy?!) in 13 easy steps[edit]

  • Step 1 Insert Your Vista DVD

Admire the amazing sparkly label on the DVD, oh wonderful it is! Put the DVD in your DVD drive and let the fun begin. It should be noted that some users have found that unless they specifically state the media for the software they have received Vista on upwards to 4,000 3.5 inch floppies. If anything this has seemed to make the installation process less cumbersome.

  • Step 2 Install attempt 1

Enter your 20 character serial Key. MAKE SURE IF YOU WANT TO KEEP ALL YOUR FILES, PICK 'UPGRADE'. Wait 20 fucking minutes while windows 'scans for compatibility', because apparently it isn't enough that YOU think your system meets the minimum spec, windows has to double check! Once it's done that it'll be able to install, so naturally you think that it will take a few hours, and when it says 'your computer will restart several times during installation' you think that it will be all automatic. No such luck there I'm afraid...

  • Step 3 WTF? Install attempt 1 (again)

So you come back from watch TV to find that the XP login screen has been there for the last half an hour. But don't worry, it's not that it hasn't work it's just that windows Vista loves to play games. So go restart the installation enter the 20 character serial key again, and wait, once again for compatibility to be checked. Then sit there for an hour, assuming something will go wrong if you don't, while the installer does exactly the same thing all over again. Go on, read a book, play mario on your old gameboy advance SP, only to find the battery has run out while you are playing a level and you can't find the charger anywhere in the fucking house.

  • Step 4 Progress!

Your computer will restart again, and this time you get a message asking you to press any key to continue. After that, you have to set up the language options, and enter the 20 character serial key BUT WAIT A MINUTE? What's that? I can't pick upgrade anymore? WHAT? So I think I have lost all my files Oh no, wait don't worry they'll all be moved into a folder called windows.old! Of course, how very nice of microsoft to do that for you! Then The installer will do exactly the same as before, slowly going through all the points of installation all over again.

  • Step 5

Your computer will restart again, and this time you get a message asking you to press any key to continue. After that, you have to set up the language options, and enter the 20 character serial key. The installer will do exactly the same as before, slowly going through all the points of installation all over again.

  • Step 6

Your computer will restart again, and this time you get a message asking you to press any key to continue. After that, you have to set up the language options, and enter the 20 character serial key. The installer will do exactly the same as before, slowly going through all the points of installation all over again.

  • Step 7

Your computer will restart again, and this time you get a message asking you to press any key to continue. After that, you have to set up the language options, and enter the 20 character serial key. The installer will do exactly the same as before, slowly going through all the points of installation all over again.

  • Step 8

Your computer will restart again, and this time you get a message asking you to press any key to continue. After that, you have to set up the language options, and enter the 20 character serial key. The installer will do exactly the same as before, slowly going through all the points of installation all over again.

  • Step 9

Your computer will restart again, and this time you get a message asking you to press any key to continue. After that, you have to set up the language options, and enter the 20 character serial key. The installer will do exactly the same as before, slowly going through all the points of installation all over again.

  • Step 10

Your computer will restart again, and this time you get a message asking you to press any key to continue. After that, you have to set up the language options, and enter the 20 character serial key. The installer will do exactly the same as before, slowly going through all the points of installation all over again.

  • Step 11 The end surely?

Your computer will restart again, and this time you get a message asking you to press any key to continue. THEN SOMETHING AMAZING HAPPENS! A MESSAGE WILL COME UP ON THE SCREEN INFORMING YOU THAT WINDOWS IS STARTING FOR THE FIRST TIME. Wait for all the dots to slowly cover the screen. After that, you have to set up the language options, and enter the 20 character serial key (Which you probably know off by heart by now). The installer will do exactly the same as before, slowly going through all the points of installation all over again.

  • Step 12 The end THIS TIME ISN'T IT?

Your computer will restart again, and this time you get a message asking you to press any key to continue. THEN SOMETHING AMAZING HAPPENS! A MESSAGE WILL COME UP ON THE SCREEN INFORMING YOU THAT WINDOWS IS STARTING FOR THE FIRST TIME FOR THE SECOND FUCKING TIME. Wait for all the dots to slowly cover the screen. Of course you think it's the end, but no, it's never going to be that easy! After that, you have to set up the language options, and enter the 20 character serial key. The installer will do exactly the same as before, slowly going through all the points of installation all over again.

  • Step 12 THIS TIME? PLEASE!

Well Finally THE WELCOME SCREEN COMES UP. So after 8 fucking hours you can actually use windows Vista!

  • Step 13 WAIT, WHERE ARE ALL MY FILES?!

In the process of Vista raping your computer, it stuck it's hand up the anus of your PC and rummaged around in the bowels of your hard drive, moving everything around so you have to move it all back to where you want it. Not only that, but it has managed TO UNINSTALL ALL YOUR SOFTWARE, YET KEEP ALL THE FILES TO MAKE THEM WORK, WHICH ARE NOW OF COURSE ABSOLUTELY FUCKING USELESS AND DO NOTHING BUT TAKE UP HARD DRIVE SPACE!

Congratulations! Your computer has been officially raped by Microsoft.

Editions and Pricing[edit]

Edition Description Price
Windows Vista
Third-World
Designed to extract money which could otherwise be spent on medicine for third world children. Innocent lives
Windows Vista
(PRODUCT) RED
Designed to extract money for people with AIDS in Africa $400 (1% goes to Africa)
Windows Vista
Basically-You're-Screwed-Ultra
Provides the experience of Vista but without unnecessary features such as a boot loader, operating system kernel, user interface, command line or any programs. Sanity
Windows Vista
Ultra-Super-Mega
The same experience as Basically-You're-Screwed-Ultra but with fantastic new features such as a porn search engine.
Windows Vista
Ultimega Unattended [Cracked by B.r.E.e.Z.a.H] (DVD-RIP 320mHz/sec).nfo
The one filled with KeYz, CrAcKz, WaReZ, and pR0n,released by Atjih and his brothers who cannot afford the legal stuff. Only for Asian market. RIAA and BSA all over the place
Windows Vista
Breakfast Edition
Included in specially-marked boxes of Kellogg's breakfast cereals. Install CD is sugar-damaged
Windows Vista
For Desperate Housewives
Provides a operating system, which every housewife needs to keep her husband. Includes a cooking manual and a large collection of porn. Your firstborn son
Windows Vista
Businesses-Must-Buy-Or-Die
Builds on the proven success of Windows 2000 in business by taking the exact same code and re-branding it with the fantastic new (more secure) name. Monopoly money
Windows Vista
Forever
With a name based on the overwhelming success of Duke Nukem Forever, Windows Vista Forever provides all of the features of the above editions, and is due to be released by 2012! (Latest press-release informed us Vista Forever is not to be released before 2032). $666.666...
Windows Vista
Pro-Be-A-Slave
Makes the PC a copy of Bill Gates just to hypnotize you to steal your money. Freedom
Windows Vista
NT 95 3.1
The same as the normal versions, but Solitaire doesn't work and you get the ability to seamlessly network with contacts through PCP and WTF protocols, while simultaneously transferring data at 5.9 jibbabits per second via secure Bluetooth BlackBerry ISP nodes. Oh, and the Defragmenting USB Query Router is pink. 47 chocolate coins
Windows Vista
Edition N
In 2010, the European Commission paid Microsoft €497 million (US$603 million(50p)) and asked the company to provide a version of Windows without an operating system. Microsoft heartily agreed. Not included
Windows Vindaloo A spiced-up version for the Indian market, offering the Windows Genuine Disadvantage program as an option. Health and safety
Microsoft Windows Vista Live Visual Office Studio .NET Service Pack 3 Pre-RC1 Beta 2 Technical Refresh 5 Update 4 Professional Starter Home Basic Premium Business Enterprise Ultimate Edition with Antispyware Deluxe Off-the-shelf box edition comes with 10100 install CDs, 1/2 page manual, 100 page serial number, and Clippy. AU$101 million (US$3.00)
I Can't Believe It's Not Vista Looks like Vista, feels like Vista, crashes like Vista... yet is MUCH better due to the fact it's NOT Vista. Eh? $666
I Can't Believe It Is Vista Actually just Vista, but with a catchy title. $666
Windows Vinux Dead Mail Basically it's Linux 3.11-beta-95-rc0.0.98 in disguise, but then crashes like Vista, contains anti-antispyware, and extra bullets to kill that penguin with a paperclip in his arse. Also, Live mail replaced by Dead (Penguin) Mail. 3 dead penguins with a paperclip in their arse
Windows Vista
Impossible
Don't worry, you won't ever be able to afford it, so this is not of your concern. $
Windows Vista Actually Works Edition Who are we kidding? This doesn't exist. $199.00 ($99.95 upgrade)
Windows Vista Ultimate Completely Legitimate Straight-From-Microsoft Delayed, again USD$400 + Tax + Virgin Sacrifice + Shipping + Microsoft Tax
Windows Vista 3.1 Runs like Windows 3.1, but looks like Windows Vista. However it is Windows 3.1. It's much cleaner, faster than Windows Vista because it is not Windows Vista. $8.72*1010 - It is not Vista anyway.
Macintosh OSX 10.4 Tiger What were you thinking anyway?. $139 retail (now $89)
WINDOWS VISTA IS IN YOUR COMP INSPCTING Ur hardware configuration.

See Also[edit]