Windows XP Pirate Edition

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A group of Pirates lead by Maddox got tired of waiting for Windows Vista and decided to modify Windows XP to suit their needs and distribute it on P2P file sharing networks. ARGGGG!!!

“For every copy of Windows you buy, I'm going to release three copies on BitTorrent!”

~ Maddox on Windows XP Pirate Edition

“I'll see you hang from the yard-arm for this, Maddox!”

~ Bill Gates on Pirate Copies of Windows XP

“Maddox, what are you doing in the dark in my basement on my PC using my AOL account?”

~ Maddox's Mother on Windows XP Pirate Edition

“Now I won't pay a fortune in order to have my crew play in Worlds of Warcraft.”

~ Stickybeard on Windows XP Pirate Edition

“Aye Mateysan! Tis a Tiny XP what fit in under 400 Meg of hard drive space. Finally Windows XP the way Windows XP should have been, without the corporate crap bloating it about and none of the malware beasties to worry about.”

~ Orion Blastar on Windows XP Pirate Edition


This special book tells how to Pirate Windows XP.

This is without a doubt the most popular and most widely distributed version of Windows XP. Microsoft decided to attack Piracy by putting in an activation feature of Windows XP to prevent it being pirated. Pirates qsgf around activation, only to find out that Microsoft changed things so their patched file no longer worked. Every time Microsoft fixed XP activation, the Pirates patched it in 15 minutes and released the new file in less than a day. Yet every service pack that Microsoft released, caused more bloat and more security exploits, and Pirates had decided that they could do a much better job at writing Windows than Microsoft can. A book was written on Windows XP for Pirates, and as of the second edition it now covers the Windows XP Pirate Edition, available on all P2P filesharing networks in the world for free. As Microsoft ignores customers' needs, Windows XP Pirate Edition exists to fill those needs.

Windows XP: The Rewrite

Screenshot of Windows XP Pirate Edition

Maddox and Captain Jack Sparrow decided to disassemble Windows XP, every file, into assembly language. They found all the crap in it and removed it, so the bloat was gone. Basically a lot of nops (No Operations), useless loops, waits, NSA backdoors, Spyware, Adware, activation requests, key loggers, password stealers, code that made no sense but did not contribute anything useful to the operation of Windows. It took one year, but XP is now 1/3rd the size it used to be, can fit in 256M of hard drive space, runs fast on a 100Mhz Pentium or 586 chip, and only needs 50M of RAM to run. It runs ten times faster now. Crap like Internet Explorer was replaced with Firefox, Media Player was replaced with XINE, Outlook Express was replaced with Thunderbird. All of the security exploits are fixed now. See the security section of this document for more info.


  • Scrub the hardrive antivirus features.
  • Walk the plank antiphishing filter.
  • Hoist the main sail antispam program.
  • Batten down the hatches security firewall.
  • Shore leave porn search engine.
  • Free booty for all via BitTorrent.
  • Free Rum via the Open source distillery.
  • Dead man's chest via the X marks the spot Identity theft software.
  • Kraken-Guard, anti-Blue-Sea-Of-Death protection.


Security was rewritten, the default account no longer has administrator access and the administration account has to have a password set before the install will continue. Any software install requires the administrator password before the software can be installed, which foils all Malware infections, unless you are stupid enough to enter the administrator password. GPG is used for file, directory, and hard drive encryption. Since the NSA backdoors are removed, the NSA will have to get a search warrant to search your hard drive now, but using GPG encryption without your passphrase the files will be garbage to them anyway. While the ISO is distributed over the P2P networks, the ISO is GPG, MD5, and CRC signed, and the install program will check the files with their GPG signatures to verify that they haven't been tampered with. Updates are done by connecting to BitTorrent networks and checking files with their GPG keys, or off of several mirrors of Maddox's Pirate Bay website where you can download them and they will check their GPG signatures for you before installing.


A Pirate Key for Windows XP Pirate Edition

You can pretty much play World of Warcraft on a piece of shit PC not up to modern standards and not experience lag in the game when it has to render too many objects onscreen. Windows XP Pirate Edition is pretty much malware proof, so there is no need to run an Antivirus, but ClamAV is provided with the default install just in case. The system does not bog down to a crawl and crash anymore. The BSOD is replaced with a better program that recovers from errors and allows you to save your work before asking you to shut the system down. The new program is GOMF for Get Outta My Face, which traps all BSOD errors with an error recovery routine so that it never gets into your face. That silly Windows key is replaced with a new Skull and Crossbones key. The mouse is also replaced by a rat, which offers additional security (NO MORE BLONDS IN CHATS)

Microsoft's response

Microsoft is not happy about the Windows XP Pirate Edition. They were quite happy plundering people's wallets, and then THIS happens! They warn people not to use it, as it is in copyright violation. They ran their own third party tests on it, like they did on Linux, and they claim that the TCO (Total Cost of Ownership) of Microsoft Windows XP over the Pirate Edition is lower. Meanwhile Maddox had third party tests done on Windows XP verses Pirate Edition and found that Microsoft's Windows XP had a lower TC0 (Total Cost of 0wnership) in that 0wning (IE infecting and controlling via malware) a Microsoft Windows XP PC has a low cost of doing so, and that no matter what the cost of developing malware for Windows XP Pirate Edition, it cannot be 0wned. When asked about how he felt over the Windows XP Pirate Edition having error trapping and error recovery features that the Microsoft version of Windows XP lacks, Steve Ballmer said, "Who really needs those features? The more unstable we make XP, the more likely people will buy Windows Vista looking for a fix. This Windows XP Pirate Edition is an abomination with error trapping and error recovery features. The software development cycle at Microsoft never has error trapping and error recovery for marketing reasons."

Future Advances

Maddox said they are not done with XP Pirate Edition. That they will be adding in even more features like the ability to run Linux, Macintosh OSX, OS/2, and other applications. That they are learning how to optimize coprocessors like the Amiga used to speed up performance. That they plan to add in as many features as Windows Vista promises and even more only bug free and malware free versions of Windows Vista features. The new version of Windows XP Pirate Edition was completely and totally rewritten and renamed (to prevent Microsoft lawsuits) as AROS or Amiga Research Operating System and will have a final release sometime in 2010.

Actually Windows XP PE is beginning to sound a lot like Ubuntu!

See Also

(Note that Uncyclopedia does promote and support software piracy. In fact uncyclopedia's server runs a pirated version of Windows ME!

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