Wine

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This is Wine - it's like alchohol for old people
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Wine.

Wine was created by the damn Yankees to inebriate all of the rednecks south of the Mason-Dixon line. It is usually packaged in aluminium cans, and sold in six-packs or crates. It's widely believed that the only true sign of a good party is the presence of a keg of wine and a plastic cup for each guest.

However, unknown to the rednecks, wine is an illicit substance at Wal-Marts and K-marts on Sunday. It is called the Great Blue Law. The corporate management in 1773 proclaimed the Sunday prohibition upon the sorry inhabitants of Dixieland. And for 232 years the rednecks have been deemed evil for desiring to imbibe on Sunday.

This forced denunciation has caused many birth defects among the Youth of Dixieland (commonly referred to as Speds). The now mentally challenged Speds are forced to make a plea to the Gods every Sunday for mercy regarding the Great Blue Law and must repent rather than mow their lawns.

Types of Wine[edit]

There are as many types of wines in the world as there are grapes, regions and, of course, bootleggers.

Red[edit]

The wine of real men and red-green colorblind sissies who failed to pick the white. The Rednecks typically serve red wine with squirrel and other roadside game, or imbibe it alone when good game can't be had, but a bunch of sissies in France claim that it perfectly complements the taste of sweaty crotch and pubis. They would know!

Ultra Violent[edit]

Totally bitch'n. It is made out of real fruits and jizz. It goes well with chicks who are too drunk to see anything without complaining it to stop and gay guys who run their shitty wine that they get from "France". Like anybody will believe that there's such a place called "France" where they talk with funny accents and make pretty paintings. "France" is probably some queer club in San Francisco where they rebottle boxed wine into fancy little sissy bottles in the basement/dungeon after drawing it through each others sweaty and jizz-laden jock straps.

White[edit]

White Wine is for sissies. It is typically served with pig butts dipped in rotten fish brain soda or other traditional French cuisine. French oak is also white, so you can figure it out.

Black (African American)[edit]

Black, or African American Wine is the natural opposite of White Wine. It is believed to be evil and cannot be consumed by mortals unless they have been huffing kittens. It is best served with excommunication. Drinking too much African American wine may cause you to sell crack. Ironically, Black Wine turns White when mixed with powder cocaine and mayonnaise.

Cardassian[edit]

Cardassian Wine is a blue concoction banned by the Federation. It typically goes with dishes that are best served cold, such as revenge, malevolence, retaliation, spitefulness, retribution, vengeance, and Tribble mousse.

Pinkogne[edit]

Pinkogne Wine is a hybrid-fusion drink made from mixing the last of a bottle of Red Wine with the sweat of followers of the Communist Manifesto. It is typically served over the blood of the martyrs of the Revolution.

Pink and Yellow Spots[edit]

This rare and interesting wine was first produced by Mssr. Blobby in the wilderness that is the hills of Bulgaria, however production has been halted recently due to prohibitionary laws enacted by the Combine in and around the City 17 metropolitan center. How the wine is made, no one quite knows, but somehow there are yellow opaque pockets of yellow liquid, floating in a rose wine. The taste of this wine is unknown to humans, but Mssr. Blobby himself proclaims it as reminiscent of "Blob, blob blooooby blob.". This is currently unconfirmed.

Chilean[edit]

Chilean wine is the coldest wine in the world, and it comes in a special box called vómito galáctico. Vómitos galácticos were used by the Mapuche - the largest indigenous tribe - as bagpipes. They are now considered divine and buried in special ceremonies, such as Día de San Pinochet. Also, the good thing about Chilean wine (and this is for real) is a good balance between rice/quality: it's the cheapest way to get drunk and die in a pool of your own vomit in the worst country of the world...after Peru and Argentina.

Faux Wine[edit]

Faux Wine refers to any drink manufactured by Manischewitz, Mogan David or a host of other "Kosher" wine producers (how they managed to obtain kosher pigs for pork-barrels used to age the more expensive wine projects is unknown). Faux Wine is characterized by its nauseatingly sweet bouquet and gaggingly rough cough syrup taste. It is typically served in a large KFC jug labelled either Boone or Robitussin.

WINE IS NOT SWEET![edit]

This is some gooooooooood stuff!

So stop walking into a liquor store and asking that. If you want sweet, drink chocolate milk, you cavemen fuckers!

Clear[edit]

Invisible or clear wine, also known as water, has been shown to cause cancer in lab rats, make Viagra go down easier (Is that a pun?), and transmorphicate into red wine anytime someone destined for crucifixion touches it. Drinking too little Clear Wine causes big pimples to break out on one's derriere. Drinking too much Clear Wine has been shown to cause Overactive Bladder Syndrome, a nearly fatal disease. Counter-intuitively enough, Clear Wine also causes positive results on steroid and tuberculosis tests, as in the recent case of of James "Barry" Bonds. It is typically served in plastic bottles, and costs more than most other types of wine when sold in this form.

Quality[edit]

The key to judging a wine's quality is four-fold.

  1. Colour/clarity: When picking up a wine glass, can you see any weird-ass unidentifiable things floating through it? Does it look like something you fished out of the aquarium? If the answers to the previous questions are both "no," then you can probably drink it, but don't quote me on this.
  2. Smell: If you can snort a thimbleful of wine and it doesn't burn the crap out of your nasal passages, it's not any good. Does it smell like something you fished out of a toilet? If not, then it's probably safe, but you might want to send a sample to the lab first.
  3. Taste: If you aren't offended by the colour or smell, then go ahead and taste it. That said, you have probably taken up a poisoned chalice.
  4. Price: In what is called the U-B-poor Theory of winedom, the more expensive the wine, the better the taste. Bottles of 56 (as in 0056, not 1956) Chateau de la Mortimer Snerd, which retails for the lowest value coin in any local tender, is said to taste so good that, upon drinking it, the imbiber implodes in pure pleasure.

Update[edit]

The Gods, now fearing mass retardation and suicidation on the part of the rednecks, have finally stepped in.

They halted the prohibition in large Southern cities whose Yankee immigration exceeds 50% of the population, but the outlying cities with a population in excess of 80% redneck are not allowed to purchase alcohol on Sunday.

In Vino Veritas[edit]

A Latin phrase originally attributed to Gaius Julius Caesar. Roughly translated into English it means, "She'll look much better after you've had a bottle". Caesar apparently believed this with all his heart and it enabled him to brings the Gauls into subjugation. He was later stabbed by a group of women belonging to MADD.

Wine Software[edit]

Wine XT is a new and powerful way to keep track of your extensive inventory. Store carefully or it becomes the Blue Wine of Death.

See also[edit]

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