Winnipeg, Manitoba

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Winnipeg, Manitoba.
Winnipeg, on the hottest day of the year in July

Winnipeg is the academic centre of Canada and home to MIT. Its name derives from an incident in which Winnie the Pooh was killed by a stray hockey puck shot by a Winnipeg Jets player, who responded by saying "Winnie got pegged, eh?" The name has since been truncated to Winnipeg.

Originally established just across the Canadian border (in order to escape the restrictive Third Law of Thermodynamics, passed by Congress in an attempt to prohibit reaching absolute zero anywhere under US jurisdiction), Winnipeg is the home away from home of the Royal Canadian Mint. Plus, my aunt lives there. Her name is Aunty Freeze.

The most valuable coin minted for general circulation in Winnipeg depicts one or two polar bears and is known as a "toonie", short for "It's too cold for anyone but an arctic bear, but like welcome to Winterpeg, eh?"

The king of Winnipeg for the last 35 years is Burton Cummings, he has yet to be overthrown only because his moustache can hypnotize anyone who stares at it. He whines frequently until things are named after him.

Winnipeg is often submerged under water, because the Red River overflows its banks approximately every three hours. Because of this, Winnipeg holds the world record for per capita sales of scuba gear, and personal flotation devices.

The Jets support the goals for Idiots Campaign.

Winnipeg is the home of more drunk rock bands, per capita, than anywhere else in Canada. A recent survey revealed that less than 0.00001% of the world actually knows that Winnipeg exists. In Winnipeg, throwing your hands in the air and acting like you just don't care is an encouraged activity. The average Winnipegger throws their hands in the air and acts like they just don't care approximately every 3.14 seconds. Failure to do so often results in death by government-hired polar bear.

Phoenix Coyotes Winnipeg Jets get pwned!!!111

The area of St. Boniface is the runner up for snootiest place in Manitoba, closely following Churchill (which holds the world record for both most bears skinned by potato peelers, in 52.3 seconds, and most potato peelers skinned by bears, in 32.5 seconds), and despite any lack of lemons, will always have very nice edibles.

A recent survey revealed that less than 0.00001% of the world actually knows that Winnipeg exists. Man, it sucks here,

Winipeg's gayest Rappers[edit]

  • Sim
  • P2
  • DJ Mushroom
  • AK
  • My Uncle Chuck

Winnipeg is...[edit]

  • ...a frozen shithole.
  • ...the home of Ariel East, famous homosexual fisting porn director and jungle explorer who clear cut the famous north american rain forest to find Winnipeg, he also created global warming.
  • ...Fucking Over.
  • ...captain's sauce.
  • ...mandatory scat feed.
  • ...A Boiliing Pot Of Cranberries.
  • ...dog poo.
  • ...a boiling pot of cranberries.
  • ...a dogshit dildo.
  • ...eesh,we dont have much.
  • ... just blow this city up, its damn cold.
  • ... one of the worstest cities on the face of the earth.
  • ... stupid and never should be a capital city (lets all move to Brandon!).
  • ... better than Toronto, at least.
  • ...an amalgamation of all the Canadian stereotypes (beer-drinking, parka-wearing, hockey-loving, ketchup-chip-eating, eh-saying) and therefore the uber-Canadian city.
  • ...the birthplace of ice bowling. No, I don't mean curling, dick.
  • ...the shiznit.
  • ...a place to clap your hands and say yes.
  • ...the only city in the world where you can actually hear the particles of air freezing in the dead of winter.
  • ...Is where Holly Honolulu lives with her magical bunny. Yes, I said magical. *pOoF*!
  • ...Steven Stapleton's Armpit.
  • ... probably a figment of Devin Woodburys imagination
  • ... An exploded pen.
  • ... Is the only place on Nexopia to look for ugly, slutty, homosexual men.
  • ...Where condoms were first used and made.

Neighbourhoods in Winnipeg[edit]

Studies show that the worst neighbourhood in Winnipeg is Trashcona; it has more pink flamingos than Florida. It also has more Trans Ams than a (You got it! Park) Pontiac! factory - bring your own wheels, as it's not hard to get them off the cinder blocks.

STD's are rampant also, so don't forget to bring rubbers. The best neighbourhood is River Heights (South Central Winnipeg) as it is the Compton of Canada. River Heights also probably has the most stoners per household in all of Canada (according to Canadian census information, about 6.28 stoners per household).

A typical Charleswood youth.
  • Charleswood: an expanse of scrubby forest characterized by pickup trucks parked on lawns nestled between open sewers and run-down ranch houses. Unironically self-described as "The Suburb Beautiful". Home to Oak Park High School, where instead of learning English syntax, students learn to characterize the residents of a nearby subdivision as, "Punk natives think they are in gangs and steal shopping carts to store the Lysol/Drainer Cleaner in."
  • Osborne Village: Winnipeg's gay community, whether they wish to admit it or not. Home of Movie Village and a bunch of other shitty so-called trendy stores.
  • Grant park: Little is known about this school or its surrounding area, what is known that if you go in, you dont come out
  • Tuxedo: Winnipeg's boytown, featuring noted private gay club St. Paul's Ball Pit
  • Saint Boniface: The French. 'nuff said but also believe they are all related to Louis Riel.
  • River Heights: Because it has an infinite amount of grow-ops and stoners.
  • St. Vital: Home to "new money", due to the rapid housing expansion of the south end towards the perimeter. This new influx of young mid-high end income earners has led to a increase in the "yummy mommy" population which is directly proportional to the "jail bait" population.You can often see both of these in the mall bearing the same name. Home to the largest collection of pregnant teens and STD's, don't tell Trashcona!!!
  • St. Norbert: Who cares about St. Norbert? It's St. Norbert.
  • North End: Go there and it is most likely that you will get shot. You have been warned.
  • Wolseley: The hippie central of Canada which is home to that lady that everyone knows about that panhandles everyday and a baker that hands out day old cinnamon buns if you come to see him after 10:00 P.m. The place where people in River Heights wished they lived.
A gang marching through a park in downtown Winnipeg.


Other Neighbourhoods[edit]

  • Downtown: If the gang members don't kill you, the wind chill probably will. * Downtown slang (code words): some code words in winnipeg are " Buddy Man!" "weenuk" "angus" and "fuck bwaw" also "fuck buddy man" and "ever slack" although a stabbing or shooting could result if these words are used in the wrong context or area or to the wrong people.
  • Elmwood: Was created after a decree by king Burton Cummings for another area that was similar to the North End but with less hobos, and specially catered to men and women with thick dark mustaches.
  • Charleswood: With a startling lack of sidewalks (sidewalks are there, under the rubble formally known as the street. See also Laxdal; MacLean: sidewalk = shoulder of road separated from road by six foot deep ditch), city grooming services, and money, plastic patio furniture is common as dining room furniture (with "dining room" being defined as the area of the kitchen where said furniture can be uncomfortably squeezed). Charleswood is a recommended living area for those who want to feel as though they're stuck in hick-town boonies while paying full city taxes, or for former Chechens and Serbs who feel right at home with the sight of crumbling roads and infrastructure. This lovely area is named after Prince Charles, the one from Lithuania. Not the English one. The Lithuanian one.
  • Weston: Home of the infamous g-nigga and big daddy fail..also the scary leggo land housing complexes.
  • East Kildonan: Supasaurus lives there,
  • Linden Woods : Voted the dirtiest place in Winnipeg, this sprawling suburb is known for it's hundreds identical houses believed to be clones of a single massive house, (the original believed to be somewhere by the Canadian Tire), backwards Wal-Mart outlets, the LC and A&W/Gas Station). Oh and don't forget the new cheap theatre!!!!
  • Point Douglas : The area in Winnipeg which is in dire need of it's own fire station. Memorable community events include the 326 fires set to the Four Roses Flour mill, The fire at Able's Wholesale (the owner is still trying to sell the charred "goods" inside), and the fire at Manitoba Cold Storage which burned for 96 consecutive days. Also seems to be the neighbourhood with the most houses (shacks) without doors. Those aren't blades of grass...those are hypodermic needles.
  • East St. Paul  : Just where all the boring rich people live.
                                                                                                 * St James : This area is full of white wannabe gangsters or wiggers if you will, homosexual emo kids, valley girls who use the word 'like' like every like second like word like, and the occasional sketched out methhead. They all seem to congregate at the Polo Park shopping center where little rich white chicks like to steal shit even though their parents can afford to buy them what they want. Some common sightings when passing through 'the james' include: stupid stoners loitering outside a 7-11, public drinking, and public urination.

Outside Winnipeg[edit]

7/11: home of the slurpee and where most nasty pregnant Winnipeg women hang out at

Aids:The Place: home of Aids

Half moon: a restaurant where you can actually be shot out into space and are allowed to sit on half of it. Owned by Burton Cummings and his monstrocious mustache.

Brandon: a lame town populated by rednecks, hockey players and pregnant preteen girls. They come to Winnipeg regularly to do some shoppin, they can be recognized by their "Support the Conservative Party, or y'all is homosexual" bumper stickers on their rusty farm trucks. They love to brag about shopping at Hurl's Food Mart.

Selkirk a small ass failure town that reeks of failed dreams. Also they has a pool in the town. (aka: dirty tiny swimming pool).

Portage la Prairie: Pretty much one of the most boring places of all... but an alright town... sept for how lame it is. Portager quote "We done got a big wally-mart!"