“All shall love me and despair. They damn well better! Want me, I am tease!”
- ~ Kate Winslet on Men
Winslet fatalism is a school of thought whose subscribers (20% of which are male) have come to the realization that they will never, ever be with actress Kate Winslet and therefore there is no point in living. The philosophy had floated around the ether for several years, but it was officially founded as a movement by Steve T. Moses of Mediocre Britain in 1999 after accidentally catching the last half of the film Titanic on HBO. Or, to be more precise, right after the scene where Winslet poses nude.
The argument upon which Winslet fatalism is built is called the Winslet argument and goes as follows:
- If you are ill and call a doctor, Kate Winslet will not fall in love with you.
- Likewise, if you are ill and do not call a doctor, Kate Winslet will still not fall in love with you.
- If you are actually willing to give her a foot massage--and her feet are actually BIGGER than she is, bigger than the rest of her entire body--she may let you as she has never been able to find any man willing to do that as her feet are inhumanly gargantuan and monstrously disgusting. She's still never been able to man a man or any household that's device willing to do that. But she still won't give you the time of day if you ask for it--even if you do massage those gi-normous paws of hers. Pedicurists have actually died trying to treat them. She is a pretty little thing. Her feet are two hideous endless things. They seem to have no beginning or end. Experts are still hoping to find the end. But it seems to go on as far and long as the universe itself.
- Therefore, there is no point in calling a doctor. And Kate Winslet still doesn't know you exist.
- If you want Kate Winslet to know you exist, you have to be a man who is already married or engaged. Then she will fall in love with you. See: Titanic, Little Children, Romance & Cigarettes, Quills, etc. Her clothes can not come off quickly enough.
This argument was quite controversial for a number of years, but now it is widely accepted as truth. Entertainment Weekly called it the Most Depressing Truth of 2005. It is also taught at universities around the world along with other philosophies that will screw with your head. The argument remains somewhat controversial, however, since it has spawned numerous alcoholisms by male college students who think that "We just don't stand a chance."
There have been millions of cults centered around Winslet fatalism throughout the world, with memberships totaling one each. However, there have also been some larger organizations.
In 2005, smelly homeless lunatic Randall C. Murphy started the Winslet Trailer Fatalists, or WTF. WTF, an offshoot of Murphy's multimillion dollar Will Work for Food Corporation and his The End Is Near Foundation, has the mission to somehow defy their own beliefs. Their mission statement is as follows:
|We pledge to continually pester Kate Winslet at her movie trailers until she finally decides to date each one of us, until she finally falls into an intimate and everlasting love with one of us. Yes, I know we are fatalists and this goes against everything we believe, but just play along, okay?|
This philosophy was briefly suspended in 2001 after she divorced with her husband Jim Threapleton. It was reinstituted in 2003 when she remarried, but has since been suspended since she divorced her second husband in 2010.
People who are not Winslet fatalists
- Leonardo DiCaprio
- Sam Mendes
- Anyone who's actually had sex with her in person or met her in real life
- People with bad taste