Wireless Security

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Wireless Security is a general term that refers to the practice of securing people, places and things without the aid of wires or (in pure Wireless Security practice) Electricity. It is also commonly used within the field to refer to security devices that are designed to provide wireless security, i.e. those that operate within the wireless realm.

The principles of Wireless Security inspired the Wireless network, which provides security for your computer by removing unreliable wires from the system.


In Antiquity[edit]

An early Wireless Security device.

Wireless Security is an ancient art, and although today it has become a multibillion-dollar scientific pursuit, it's beginnings are thought to be as humble as those of cooking and getting drunk. Were this not an Uncyclopedia article (with corresponding detached tone) one might well imagine the first men to stagger angrily from their rocks in the dead of night, brandishing a Sabre-Toothed Femur and shouting "Who the fuck is that at this time of night? Show yourselves!"


Heaven has a sophisticated Wireless Security system, seen here keeping potential intruders from Virginia at bay.

The earliest recorded use of Wireless Security came from none other than The Good Lord Above, God Himself, who took the inspired step of using lightning as a means to deter (or smite down) those that would steal His garden implements to swap for crack. While generally acknowledged as a true innovation in what was, at that time, an entirely new field (and thus ripe for innovation in any form) many experts still consider such lightning-based systems to be so-called incomplete wireless devices since, although lacking wires, they are of course based on the principal of Electricity invented by Thomas Edison.

God's position has always remained that, although His system does use Electricity, it is not real electricity, but static electricity, and that anyway He's the Lord God Almighty and no-one's going to bloody tell Him what's what.

Perhaps because of the controversy surrounding the issue, not to mention the electricity bills for anyone who doesn't have an unlimited supply of fluffy clouds to rub together, Heaven's lightning-based system remains the only operating installation of it's kind to date.

The Wonder Years[edit]

The period between about then and roughly now is termed The Wonder Years by those in the field. File:Guns-knives.jpg It was during this time that the idea of Wireless Security Devices was formalised (Firstly by the philosopher and theologian Ted Bundy and later refined by his son Al). With a new, clear, concise standard to follow artisans across the globe began a period of unparalleled innovation in the field, inventing many of the most common wireless security devices in use today. The Wonder Years continued apace until 2003, when the relevant standards were ratified by the ISO and became far too difficult to follow, unless you sent several hundred thousand pounds to arse-faced pencil-pushers in France, Belgium, or Similar in order to obtain the ISO's standard decryption device.

Wireless Security historians view a private collection of antique wireless devices.

Notable inventions during the period include:

  • The Key - Invented by Jesus for use during power cuts. More a preventative device that allowed doors and windows and things to be locked, keeping out intruders for up to several seconds.
  • The Club - Arguably the simplest wireless security device, used for bashing would-be intruders over the head. Also, in England, used until recently to circumvent draconian drinking-time laws. The originator of the club is sadly unknown.
  • The Knife - Invented by Robert Palmer and later refined by The Queen, the knife is a classic wireless device that allows not only incident protection, but also a greater measure of protection against future attacks by the same intruder.
Example of a modern fully-wireless gun.
  • The Gun - First proposed by George W Bush, the Gun is a complex wireless device, requiring the action of multiple moving parts and some form of explosive force in order to propel a bullet toward, into, and (in ideal circumstances) through an intruder. It does not, however, need any wires (though modern guns can and do have wires, rendering them incomplete - see above).

Modern Practice[edit]

In the modern era, Wireless Security has become a worldwide, heavily biased field of scientific study that ensures billions of dollars are constantly in motion, feeding bank workers around the globe. The result of all this study is that the market for wireless security devices has literally exploded, scattering retail-boxed devices across the known universe.

Innovation in the field is constant, with both variations on old favourites, and new devices being designed every minute of every day by evil Nazi gnomes in China. This rush of innovation has led to the greatest advance in the field since sliced bread - the invention of hybrid devices (i.e. incorporating electricity, and sometimes wires, into devices that were traditionally wireless). This new branch incorporates developments such as remote central locking, The Taser, and Bows, Crossbows, and darts with zipwire attached. Although successful, these hybrid devices are considered dirty and wrong by purists, who vehmently deny their existence if asked.