Witch cure

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Contents 1 Preliminaries 2 Recipe 3 Procedure 4 Note

[edit] Preliminaries

Before attempting to cure someone of witchood, you must first be sure that they are in fact a witch. You can apply the following tests:

Burn her at the stake. If she burns, she is human. Oops. If not she is a witch.

Study very closely; long pointy black hat, long pointy nose, warts and rank odour are easy to miss.

If you ask her to sleep with you and she says no she is a witch.

Check her kitchen; a cauldren is a dead giveaway.

Ask the witch if she knows anyone who is a witch; if she says no, she is a witch, if she says yes she is also a witch.

Stab her in the forehead with a knitting needle covered in holy water, if she screams, she is a witch.

Check their genitals; if they have no penis or testicles they are definitely a witch.

[edit] Recipe

Once you have established that the suspect is in fact a witch, follow this simple recipe to cure them of their condition:

Eye of Newt

Tongue of Salamander

Genitals of Ferret

Larynx of Goat

1/2 Bottle of Vodka

Jizz of Mongoose

Blood of a Retarded Child

Tears of a Gypsy Virgin (very rare beast, try checking caravan cribs)

Legs of Toad

Dollop of Marmite

Foreskin of Jew

Eyelash of Bat

2kg of Powdered Gold

Hair of a Sober Irishman (extremely rare creature, good luck capturing one)

Tenderised Testicle of Sloth (no scrotum, this will spoil the recipe)

1 Crushed Extra Strong Mint

Stools of a Peruvian Marmoset

Sweat of an Eskimo

2 pints of pure Heroin

Tears of Emo (shouldn't be too hard to find)

Toenail of Yak

1Kg of Brewer's Phlegm

Salt (to taste)

[edit] Procedure

Very straightforward: just throw it all in a cauldron to simmer for 4-5 hours. Add more phlegm for the right consistency.

[edit] Note

Some of these ingredients may be hard to come by. For a quick fix, go to a British Fish and Chip shop and ask for a Pukka Pie, as these contain most of the necessary ingredients. Getting the witch to eat it, on the other hand, may prove difficult.