Wizard of Oz (character)
- This article is about the fictional character. For the film, see The Wizard of Oz.
The Wizard of Oz, also known as Clinold Reagwood, is a morbidly obese and terribly mutated fusion between Ronald Reagan and Clint Eastwood. This horrific creature has the widely coveted ability to control all sea animals, the flaming bee, and most varieties of flying apes, the soaring orangutan (orangutanus airplanus) in particular.
It is believed that the Wizard of Oz came to be shortly after Reagan broke his hand on the Berlin Wall, at which point he stumbled across Eastern Europe in a rage, much like that of an injured animal, until he stumbled upon a nuclear waste pile, that is most likely a pile of Ted Danson's shit. Reagan, bewildered by the site of the glowing pile of shit roughly 18 meters in diameter and estimated to be over 300 kuricks in weight, decided that he would eat some of it. After 7-8 handfuls of Ted Danson shit, Reagan furiously flew over to Hollywood and vomited on the first person that he saw, which just so happened to be Clint Eastwood.
While the projectile stream of Danson shit vomit was spewing from the mouth of Ronald Reagan, Eastwood, who was completely outraged at the abrasiveness of Reagan's greeting, charged him in a vomit covered rage and ate him. Whole, alive, and in one bite. Details after this point are a bit sketchy, but conspiracy experts and Micheal Moore agree that Eastwood immediately underwent his mutation into something that looked like a giant, luminescent, John Madden. Clinold Reagwood, or "The Wizard" as his b-ball friends would call him, then flew into the air and took the role of God, his base of operations being the cloud city of Constantinople.
The Wizard of Oz is called upon several times a day to rid a region of many varieties of animal infestations, and this is why he is more useful than God, Jesus, and anybody that lives in Greggorio. The wizard has become the primary God for all people of Mexico, Finland, and Nederland, all of which have rather frequent pest problems.
How to Enlist the Help of the Wizard
Clinold Reagwood is most easy to access if one is on a strong kitten huffing trip, at which point the wizard will appear and he can be asked for help with any form of animal infestation, as long as it involves some variety of marine animal, a flaming bee, or an airborne ape. While enduring a kitten huffing vision, the wizard will only respond to a request if the visionary is wearing a planters pot on his head and holding a mason's spade. If these two requirements are met, then the wizard will be most merciful and grant many a wish, because he enjoys exploiting his powers if given the chance. His biggest enemy is The Wicked Bitch.
The Wizard of WAD
The Wizard is known for helping create the girl band WAD, which later became known as Lost Girls. The group starred Wendy (formerly know as the preteen prostitute Minnie Rae), Alice (singer-model-actress known as the star of The Wonderland Orgies), and the monkey lover Dorothy (also known as Dora the Explorer).
The Wicked Bitch
The Wicked Bitch was a 16 year old prostitute from Oz's slightly more bizarre neighboring kingdom, Long Island, who, out of sheer jealousy, shot her married boyfriends wife in the face. She is the sworn enemy of the Wizard Of Wad, and shits flying monkeys whenever anyone posts her mugshot online. After failing in her first and second career choices, (Slut & Assassin), and being melted by a bucket of American beer (it is suspected that European beer would not have upset her to the melting point), she settled down to a life of sin as an alledged author, and low rate porn star.
She then deaged and took the disguise of a little Catholic girl who claims to have lived in New England at one point and was born in Philadelphia. She received an internship at the General Services Administration (GSA) and drives people insane with haughty wit and disgusting sense of humor.
Several hundred years after Dorothy's adventures in Oz, her great, great, great, great granddaughter, the unfortunately named DG, went on a trip to Oz which had since been renamed "Da OZ" (Outer Zone) and later starred in her own three part documentary about her journeys there.
Speculation of The Wizard of Oz
The wizard has brought about a great deal of controversy, because feminists, union members, and Christians alike all agree that his presence is blasphemy against bull dikes, dog catchers, and Jesuses, or Jesi (pronounced geez-eye) everywhere.
However, the great wizard is always quick to dispatch a swarm of flaming bees and soaring orangutans anywhere there is a complaint, which is why he is recently becoming a more accepted figure, because nobody wants to be mauled by an ape then set aflame by a sharp insect. People that worship the Wizard of Oz, called Wizardians, are spreading the word of the terrible abomination to people all across the globe, and the Wizardian religion is spreading quickly. Many people will gladly accept Clinold Reagwood into their hearts because he makes a far more obvious appearance in the lives of people than any other god, except, of course, Vishnu.