“Damn son, those wolves are fuckin' 1337, he just POWNED that fuckin giant walrus, snap!”
“Toboe is a boy??! WTF?”
Wolf's Rain is a fucked up Japanese anime from Canada created by BONER studio. The anime follows the story of four ravaging wolves who are on a confusing-as-fuck quest to find 'Paradise', a fabled land where wolves roam free of humans and disgusing shit. The story seems to take place in a post-apocalyptic, tarnished land, or a sub-urb of Los Angeles in other words. The wolves appear as humans in the eyes of actual humans, and humans believe wolves are extinct.
Kiba is the bad ass mofo of the group. As a wolf, he looks appears to be a BIG FUCKING arctic wolf (a sub-specie of the more common 'arctic wolf'). On the outside, Kiba is come-offish and cold, in other words, an asshole. He seems to be the nihilist of the group at first, but ends up being the fruity 'we-can-do-it-guys', motivated character as the story progresses. Disbite his cool, sexy demenor, he never bangs any bitches (female dogs), leading some fans to believe he is gay until he gets the hots for the stupid plant lady.
Hige, pronounced 'He-gay', not 'Hidge', is not gay dispite his name. In fact, Hige is the only main character in the anime who gets laid. As a wolf, he looks like a slim, bad ass Saint Bernard, Like if Cujo fucked a mexican wolf. His human appearence is that of a young hip dude wearing a yellow hoody, slackers, and an oversized dog collar. Hige is the horny womanizer of the pack. He humps every cute girls' leg in the anime at some point or another.
Tsume, pronounced sue-may, Is the leather wearing, B-type jerk-wad of the group. Everything pisses him off and he dislikes everything, including hot bitches. It is suggested that he is masochist throught the series. He appears and acts relatively young, yet he has snow white hair. Tsume is also the closest character in the show to being black.
Toboe, pronounced "toe-boy", not "toby" or "to-be", sometimes spelled "toe-boi", is the gender ambiguous child of the group. He is adressed as "he" or "him" throught the show, even though everyone is suprized to learn this. As a wolf, toboe looks like a malnourished brown lab. He is the least bad ass of the pack.
YES YOU STUPID NOOB, THIS SECTION CONTAINS >>SPOILERZ<<
The anime begins by showing the end. It depicts Kiba laying on the ground sleeping presumably, or dying, you won't understand any thing he says any way, so go get a Pepsi and microowave some chicken nuggets while this part is playing. After its over, We cut to a high speed train hiest in the middle of the night where Tsume is leading the gang robbing the train (It is revealed at the end of the show that they were stealing a shipment of dildos). The other gang members are unaware that Tsume is a wolf, but so are you at this point. OK, as they are running away, shit happens, Tsume accidently kills a stupid little red-headed kid, the gang gets pissed at him and he runs away just after a brief confrontation with a wounded Kiba. In the meantime, Toboe is off being gay somewhere, Kiba passes out and gets captured by human soldiers. They put him in a cage, Hige appears, helps free him, they exchange butt sex, they find out the 'flower maiden' was in the facility they just left, or something. An old human drunk guy with a gun and a dog shoots at Toboe because he "hates those damned wolves".
Ok, so this crazy looking fuck encounters Hige and Kiba in an allyway, he is half wolf and half man (beastiality was involved of course). He kidnapped the 'Flower Maiden' chick, the wolves are pissed because they want her, but the crazy fuck runs off before they can do anything. SO, they decide to leave the city to find this ass hole, at the same time Tsume and Toboe are both leaving the city for different reasons so they all decide to team up and get the flower maiden, because they flower maiden is nessesary in unlocking 'paradice'.
Just After The Begining
Now as the wolves start chasing down the crazy fuck, this one scientist dude becomes interested in fabled 'wolves', and people think hes nuts because he believes they exist. His ex-wife Cher, who is mega fucking hot, studies wolves in a top-secret lab right in the middle of the city. So he starts leaving the city for some reason, so he will likely encounter the wolves sometime in the future, but who cares? OK, the next 10 episodes is the wolves chasing crazy fuck trying to get the maiden.
Ok, We Got The Flower Bitch, Now What?
Finally, the flower maiden, who now has a name, "Cheza", leaps out of a plane she is being transported in because she could sense the 'cool' wolves in the forest passing below. The main wolf pack now has Cheza, and they don't WTF they are supposed to do with her. So they figure they will take her to some obscure mountain were they believe she will unlock paradise for them. The wolves throught the remainder of the story become very attached to her, probably because she is in heat. For the next some-odd episodes, they travel twords the forementined mountain, some other unimportaint shit happens. At some point, the crazy fuck finds them, and uses a laser blaster on his ship to FUCK THIER SHIT UP. After totally owning the wolves, he recaptures the flower bitch. The wolves go all emo for a few episodes, they encounter the old drunk guy's dog "Blue", who turns out to be a hot half-dog half-wolf bitch. Hige shags her a few times before the end of the series. Oh yeah, and Kiba trips balls in a bush for two episodes.
After the wolves travel through some glaciers, fight a GIANT FUCKING WALRUS who Toboe totally PWNS, and reach a big city, we approch the end. Hige goes ape shit because the Emporess bitch named 'Jagara' is controlling his mind, Tsume and Toboe get captured and imprisoned, Kiba goes off and massacres the soldiers gaurding the keep. After a violent fight with the Jagara bitch, crazy fuck appears and kills her. He leaves towords the mysterious mountain with cheza, the wolves follow suit. They finally catch up to them, the scientist dude, old guy, and toboe are all dead. The final battle begins, Hige gets his shit fucked up big time, so does Tsume, they both bleed to death while Kiba continues fighting crazy fuck (who is now in wolf form). Crazy fuck wants to unlock his own paradise for humans and such because he is not fully wolf. Crazy fuck is winning until the point he bites into Cheza who releases some poison into her blood, causing crazy fuck to choke to death in some mysterious pond. The ending is accomponied by some dramatic symphony music by Oomph!. It seems Kiba has won, Just as they predicted, the wolves escorted Cheza to the mysterious mountain, so paradise should unlock right? NOPE! Instead, the world changes into exactly the same place it was at the begining, and the anime ends with Kiba dying in the snow (as shown at the very begining), then the ice around him collapses and he floats into the lakes abyss as the world changes back to the way it was.
WTF? + Interperetations
The most popular theory of the meaning of the WTF ending, a.k.a. my theory, is that Kiba was not technically the one who used Cheza to unlock paradise like we all think. But in fact, crazy fuck in his dying moments unlocked 'his' version of paradise, but was a false one, so the world instead of turning into paradise, reformed into the human infested shit hole it started as. I feel that this 'quest to unlock paradise' is a cycle, and that each time the world starts over, the protagonists trying to unlock the true paradise are destined to fail.
END OF >>SPOILERZ<< YOU DUMB ASS NOOB!!!
- Tsume is the only character voiced by a male.
- Oomph! provided most of the sound track.
- Wolf's Rain is not Wolves Reign, or Wolf Pee.
- Creating the redirections for this article was a pain in the ass.