Wolfenstein 3D

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Wolfenstein 3D
Title Screen
Developer Duke Nukem
Release Date 1992
Genre games for chidren
Platforms MS Dos
Rating G
Would Sal Fasano play it? Very Nice

Wolfenstein 3D was created in 1992 and was said to have popularized the market of making video games designed for small children.


The american super-agent B.J "Blowjob" Blazcowitz has been kidnapped by the Nazis for scientific experimentation. He was at the local bar pounding down a few beers with long-time friend Duke Nukem, when all of the sudden he was shot with a poisin dart by a Nazi who was hiding under Duke's bar-stool. Duke immediately jumped into action, but his special boots caused him to jump too high and he ended up on the roof of the bar where he was distracted by a leg of turkey which turned into a full turkey after he shot it with his gun. B.J. was thrown into the back of a truck where he was driven to a castle in Germany.

B.J. was thrown into a prison cell in the castle, with a poster of Hitler on the wall. When attempting to deface this poster with his urine, he realized that there was no wall behind the poster at all, and out he went. The engineers who had built the castle designed each floor differently, thus to confuse intruders. The elevators were really shitty, and only connected 2 floors, so B.J. needed to find the elevator on each floor in order to get to the next floor. He couldn't simply look for the exit on the ground floor of the castle, because that would make too much sense. Instead, B.J. needed to reach the top of the castle so that he could kill hitler and then fly away with the feather cape power-up.

After defeating the entire castle, B.J. is rewarded with food and a fresh set of sweatpants.


After escaping his prison cell, the player is only armed with a knife and 56% health. After stabbing the guard the player steals his pistol and uses it. To prevent mutiny, each guard is only armed with 4 bullets which the player can steal when killing him. The player can restore lost health by grabbing the turkey dinners laying around the castle and shoving them up his ass.

Besides the basic guards, the game contains many different types of enemies. There are some guards dressed in blue, and are double the height and weight of a normal guard. These guards have had their brains removed and replaced with rocks to prevent them from rebelling, and upon seeing B.J., they will make a retarded laughing sound "HOO HOO HA HA HA HA" and start shooting their machine guns at the player. As these guards die, they yell "mein Laben" which is german for "my life".

The player is also attacked by dogs which must be shot. Ironically, the game received more criticism for the dog-killing than the human blood and gore. The player, being a decent guy, never actually shoots the dogs, but instead shoots above them which causes the dogs to become frightened and make a fart noise before going to sleep on the ground. With the dogs disabled, the player has the option to eat the dog's feces for a health bonus.


The player starts out with just a basic knife. This knife can be used to stab. After a few seconds of gameplay, the player has the pistol, which shoots bullets at a slow speed. Later the player can kill the overgrown blue guards for the machine gun, and later obtains the chaingun. Unfortunately, the game doesn't allow the player to carry enough ammo to make the chaingun useful, which fires 400 bullets per second.

Looking around the levels thoroughly enough allows the player to find the grenade launcher and the BFG. Unfortunately, the designers of the game never found these weapons, and so they haven't been programmed to fire anything or produce any sound effects. Of course the designers got better over time and found the BFG in order to make it work in Doom. And by the time Quake came out, they had also found the Grenade Launcher and a better graphics engine, as well as Quad Damage.