“Don't leave! I promise it improves after the next hour.”
“If I hadn't become a writer or director, that man you see on screen would have been me, period. ”
“I am a stranger in my own country. When I told a kid I was a director he asked about the special effects I used on Transformers .”
Woody Allen (born Woodrow Wilson "Putz" Kaliningrad), 1951; nickname, Schlongy) is a neurotic, self-obsessed, potty-minded, sexually repressed, auteur. He's also allegedly Jewish, but the smart money is that he is really Swedish-by-proxy.
Allen makes motion pictures, which is ironic, because they feel like they take forever to get through. Between the unrelenting courtship, the neverending angst, the predictable elusiveness of sexual fulfillment, well, let's just say they're neither Fast nor Furious, and all of the chase scenes take place in taxis. The chicks wear peacoats, and there's not a shot of knee-high leather or sideboob in a one of them.
Woody was born in Manhattan, a ball of self-doubt, snot, and peanut allergy from the very first squeak. As a young child he was prone to fits of introspection, refusing to finish his Cheerios until someone explained to him the logic of naming a sugarless circle of breakfast cereal after an emotion signifying happiness. Young Woody had few friends.
In middle school, Woody started a film club, taking ample advantage of the coterie of 12 year old girls who took an interest in his screenplay. Woody soon realized that film was not merely a refuge for boys so socially awkward that their closest companions were spot projectors nick-named Arnie, but also a way to meet ladies. The use of overly intellectual art as a tool to get laid is a recurring them of Allen's life--I mean movies.
As a high school student, Woody honed his game on the rough streets of the Upper West Side (West siiide), between dirty 3rd and Amsterdam. Puberty was not kind to him, but a regular rotation between his best boy grip and the third clarinetist in the weekend orchestra provided him with what he came to call, "artistic relief".
Woody Allen made billions artfully recycling the following storyline. You can too--all you have to do is:
- 1. Move to New York
- 2. Pick a girl (pubescence optional)
- 3. Find a shrink
- 4. Walk around on a cloudy afternoon with a continuous chest-level mid-shot babbling to yourself about whatever will never get you laid in real life
- 5. Repeat
Don't ask why the shtick works; it just does. It's got something to do with men wanting to watch someone even more pathetic than them seduce women who are even younger than their children. And women wanting to watch a guy so emasculated that all of their issues dissolve away in their movie seats as they imagine riding that withered excuse of an artiste to ecstasy.
A classic Woody Allen gimmick where he thinks about things in society that everyone knows but few say out loud
There is a classic Woody Allen gimmick where he thinks about things in society that everyone knows but few say out loud. For example: [Walking around New York City] Why is it that people who drive never cross the line in the center of the road? I always worry about that. I mean, it's just a line. Just some yellow paint. We draw outside the lines. But we won't don't drive outside of them? Why is that? In a day when Socrates is a Halo handle, this schlock passes for philosophy.
Stuff I can't figure out
The crazier thing is that the earnest, sugar-sweet heroines of Woody Allen's movies actually go (down) for just this kind of man. It's as if all their lives they secretly wanted to bone their dentured, spelling-bee winning grandfather and then one day Woody shows up on the subway seat next to them wearing a brushed corduroy blazer holding a lukewarm cup of Earl Grey, with a leather-bound Proust and a laminated pocket-copy of the Kama Sutra in his manpurse. Serendipitous!
Seriously, Woody Allen is a great guy, because he pulled off what most of us can only dream of: turning our petty, self-centered, existential anxiety into a lifestyle that pays. Good on ya' mate. I mean Putz.
Selective Directorial Filmography
Woody Allen's film career like that many other artists can be separated into certain phases:
- What's New Pussycat Doll? (1964
- What's Good in the Hood, Tiger Lilly? (1966)
- Take the Monet and Ruminate (1969)
- Bandanas (with Sylvester Stallone) (1971)
- Everything You Wanted To Know About Having Sex With Your Adopted Chinese Daughter (But Were Afraid to Ask, Because People Would Accuse You to be a Sex Offender) (1972)
- Snorer (1973)
Funny but Bordering on Pretentious
- Love, Death, Taxes and Tolstoy (and the Chance to Shag Diane Keaton for Art) (1975)
- On the Psychiatrist's Couch with Annie Hall (Really Diane Keaton I am Talking About) (1977)
- Woody Allen Casts Diane Keaton Again, So That She Can Bang Him More (1978)
- Look At Me, I'm Dramatic Like that Swedish Dude (1978)
- Manhattan Cocktail (1979)
- I Love Manhattan, I Really Do (1980)
- I Love Banging Diane Keaton in Manhattan (1980)
Some Funny, Lot More Pretentious
- I Fuck Up Shakespeare (1982)
- Pseudo-Intellectual Types in New York (B&W) (1983)
- Clever Dicking and Me on Stage With Adolf Hitler (B&W) (1983)
- The Purple Balls of Cairo With My New Squeeze Mia Farrow (1985)
- Faux-Bergman Film #1 (1986)
- Hanukkah and Her Sisters Have a Threesome With Michael Caine (1986)
- Conservative Talk Radio Days (1987)
- Faux-Bergman Film #2...In A Different Part Of New York!! (1988)
Less Funny, Posturing Increasing
- Alice Cooper I Presume? (1990)
- Shooting People in a Mall (1991)
- New York New York New York New York New York...New York New York (1992)
- CSI:Manhattan (1993)
Dirty Old Man Phase
- Blowjobs Over Broadway (1994)
- The Venus Muscle (1995)
- Everybody Says Go Fuck Yourself (1996)
- Defenestrating Woody (1996)
No One Wants to Up Front Money These Days
- Small Time Movie Budget (1999)
- Picking Up the Pieces of My Late Career (2000)
- Jason Biggs Is Not An Acceptable Woody Allen Surrogate (2003)
Goodbye America. I'll Make My Films in Europe
- Now I'm In London! Oh, Snap! Weren't Expecting That One, Were You?! (2005)
- Woody Allen's Twin Fetish Film #23 (2005)
- Scooping Up Scarlett Johansson (2006)
- Back in London. Let's Have Another Go (2007)
- A Pretentious Tale of Two Cities: New York and London (2007)
- Penelope Cruz is the Best Bit Of Casting I did for this one (2008)
Return To America (My Passport Needs Renewing)
- Back 2 New York, The Brits Kicked Me Out (2008)
- Larry David or Whatever Works for Saving Woody Allen's Career (2009)
- You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger and He Will Abduct You and Take You to his Penthouse on 45th Street. (2010)
Kish m'in toukhes! You Americans Can't Understand Art. I am Going Back to Europe Where they Still Laugh At My Films
- Midnight Sex in Paris (2011)
- I Have Paris Pencilled In for this One Again and Please Can I Kiss Carla Bruni? (2011)
- OK. I haven't Tried Rome Yet and Fellini is One of My Favourite Directors (2012).
- The American With the Ingmar Bergman Tattoo (2013)
- Why Can't I Stop Writing Scripts? (2014)
|Filmmakers of the World|
Michelangelo Antonioni | Ingmar Bergman | Peter Bogdanovich | Robert Bresson | Charlie Chaplin | Coen Brothers | Francis Ford Coppola | Cecil B. De Mille | Clint Eastwood | Federico Fellini | John Ford | D.W. Griffith | Alfred Hitchcock | Abbas Kiarostami | Sergio Leone | Martin Scorsese | Steven Spielberg | Andrei Tarkovsky | Orson Welles | James Cameron | Akira Kurosawa
Michael Bay | Uwe Boll | Tim Burton | Ken Burns | John Carpenter | Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer | Mel Gibson | Tom Green | Catherine Hardwicke | Spike Lee | George Lucas | Dolph Lundgren | McG | Michael Moore | Leonard Nimoy | Guy Ritchie | George Romero | Joel Schumacher | M. Night Shyamalan | Alan Smithee | Oliver Stone | Billy Bob Thornton | Tommy Wiseau | John Woo | Ed Wood | Rob Zombie
|Highly Respected in France|
|Highly Confusing in Japan|
|Highly Disturbing in Mexico|
|Highly Racist in Suid-Afrika|