Woody Bible Church
Also known as the Boner Bible Church.
The Woody Bible Church is located in Morning Wood, Reservationishistic Russia, now with more Soviet Brazil!, (aka Taco Bell). The church consists of 349 cardboard (of the cheapest quality of course) boxes. The church has 3.14 thousand members, 352 cats, 39 chiwawas from Taco Bell, and 23492 Chinese illegal immigrants from Canada, which are eaten for their post-church service snacks. The pastor, Jon Trivolta and Assistant pastor Tom Crius continue to lead services, even though they have never set foot in the church. Woody Bible Church is the only Gay Church on our planet (though some are trying to move it to Taco Bell), the next closest one is <insert large number here> miles away, on Mercury. If by chance you happen to be in this church during a service, they offer you a one way ticket to visit the other church, but with NO REFUNDS (bastards!)
- 1 Introduction
- 2 History and Future
- 3 Qualifications for joining this cult
- 4 How to find Fleetwood Bible Church
- 5 Church services
- 6 Fleetwood Youth Center
- 7 Controversy
- 8 Zombie Central - Live Feed from the boiler room
- 9 Fun Facts
The church is known as a religious sect, which sacrifices small mammals to the God called President Bush. If by chance you pass by the church during a ceremony, don't accept any sushi. The church does everything in its power to worship the Bush God. They readily accept donations to help with this cause, which are forced on them by the Republicans. In addition to that, they also have a GINORMOUS grudge against Apple Computer. With Bill Gates (the ultimate nerd) and Bush God on their side they plan to take over the world one sushi bar at a time.
During the winter months, the church sends members to break into local schools to steal paper for heat. In the summer, the congregation meets at 5:14:23:23 AM in some other random church, or Taco Bell (without their knowledge) because the heat and stench of the cardboard boxes becomes unbearable with all of those dogs and small mammals.
What is the Woody Bible Church?
- The Church's god is The Bush God and the super nerd-semi-god Gosh.
- A building to hide paedophiles in, like Micheal Jackson.
- Drug ring cover up, such as midgets in a bar.
- A tax scam, such as Scientology.
- A herd of easily led people, like zombies.
- A strip club where the wives don't expect a thing.
- Taco Bell's headquarters.
- A place that will control you, with drugs like marijuana.
- A sanctuary that makes Baby Jesus cry.
- A place to have large bowel movements, because of the drugs, like marijuana or crack.
- A temple of eternal bliss where monkeys are raped daily.
History and Future
Early history of Woody Bible Church
Woody Bible Church was created in 3292 A.D. with the help of Moses and George Bush. Together they formulated a plan, along with FOX News to take over the world. Early on, they had problems with Native Americans, who just wanted peace on Earth. George Bush eventually agreed with the indians, and decided that they could help him rule the world. Together, they joined forces and created the dinosaurs. The dinosaurs became the driving force behind taking over the world. The main mission for the dinos was to eat everyone who did not believe Bush was the real ruler of all. and lets not forget dick cheney's involvement in shooting the people so they would believe george bush, he cloned himself and made mass armies to kill the non believers
Since that time, the church has been operating out of Fleetwood. Due to all of the negative publicity it gets from CNN, the church denies any coexistence between Bush and Dinosaurs. The church says it does not believe in evolution, even though they have witnessed it.
Pastor John Trivolta has announced plans to reattempt the takeover of the Taco Bell food chain. Using saphisotcated anti-sane people seeking technology, probably developed by Bill Gates, they plan to take over the food chain, starting in Communist Mexico. From there, they plan on taking over the Philadelphia Zoo and putting in a Taco Bell. After taking over the zoo, they plan on using the elephants' poo for taco meat in their effort to take over the rest of the Taco Bells. After their Taco Domination is complete, they plan to settle down and have the first Thanksgiving dinner with the pilgrims, provided by Taco Bell.
- You must be one damn ignorant idiot.
- You must believe President Bush is the supreme ruler of all.
- You must be a super geek, though not on the level of Bill Gates, for that is impossible.
- You must be at least bisexual, homosexual prefered.
- You must help in the mission to take over the world.
- You must donate your lives savings to the "Apple Computers Suck Microsoft Rules" fund.
- You must make a weekly donation of marijuana.
- You must have at least one snake in your boot.
- Finally, you must pass the "Am I as stupid as I look?" test.
How to find Fleetwood Bible Church
As you know, Fleetwood Bible Church is located in Fleetwood, Reservationishistic Russia. Due to the high amount of old people from Florida who visit Reservationishistic Russia during the winter for warmer weather, the church has been well hidden (and old people proofed; they have no tapioca pudding!). As a result, it may be hard to find the church. Never fear. We are hear for you. When you get to Reservationishistic Russia, be sure to visit the restaruants, for they have great ca- err, pork. Anyway, the church is located in the city of Ragaskargaevolutionarlkaguexistsamgaeridiotargagagagagaga, which is located in Northern Reservationishistic Russia. Due to this, be sure to bring your swimming suit if you visit from December to March. The church is well hidden behind numerous fields of plants (drugs!). Watch out! Located inside of this field are numerous landmines, which have killed many stray chipmunks so far. Eat peppers and beans (if you do not like them...Too Bad!) because members of the church retreat at the smell of your inards at work. To get to the church itself, you must bring cat for entry. To find the church, you must ask the local hermit. He will give you directions, on one condition. You need to sacrifice one finger. Once you enter the church, you are on your own. Even the Navy Seals refuse to enter.
Typical church services are held on Thursdays. On average the services last three to four days, though they can last longer. Special services can last up to 39 weeks. During the service, marijuanna is distributed at the beginning, so people can stand the service. Watch out, because it is strong stuff! They collect offering 23 seconds later so be ready. If you do not bring money, you are expected to put your soul into the collection dish. If you are a soulless lowlife, TOO BAD. The seats in the church are made of Emenoepowei, the hardest mineral known to mankind, of course, all of this is meant to improve comfort for you. Upon request, you can get earplugs free of charge. The music at the services usually consists of funeral music and the theme song for Rush Limbaugh's radio show.
Fleetwood Youth Center
Fleetwood Youth Center is located in downtown Fleetwood. The center is meant for youth, or so they say. The center has been busted many times for dealing drugs from its prime location in downtown. Youth learn many things at the center. Whether it is how to defend yourself from rain drops, or how to kill a blade of grass, they offer many educational courses. The youth center offers karate!, and self defense clases to any kid without muscles and who is a wimpy little girly person. The karate! course is fun because kids learn how to break toothpicks with their bare hands!
The karate! classes are offered to anybody free of charge. During the typical class, you learn many useless facts but hey, at least you learn something. One lesson teaches students how to use pepper spray.
- Remove spray can from holster.
- Remove cap.
- Aim hole toward your eyes.
- Spray until desired effect received. (Note: we do not take any responsibility for your death if you try this)
Many rumors and tales surround Fleetwood Bible Church and Fleetwood Youth Center. The people of Fleetwood who have not been brainwashed, insist that the church does many religious sacrifices, especially cats. Residents claim cats and other small mammals they call "pets" disappear from their yards and never return. This has never been proved, though the town has stopped collecting trash due to skeletal remains contained in the trash. The Fleetwood Police Department maintains that none of this occurs, though everybody on the police force is a member of the church.
The Fleetwood Youth Center has it's fair share of rumors too. It has been alleged that the youth center opperates as a training ground for young kids to become sumo wrestlers. This would not be a problem, except that kids who undergo this education never return home and are lost forever. It has been alleged that anybody who enters the center will never exit. This has not been proven, because the police chief went to check it out for himself, and for some reason does not answer any of his phones any more.
Zombie Central - Live Feed from the boiler room
The boiler room A.K.A. the graveyard houses many zombies, infact they all come from here. The members of the church just throw all the corpses in the furnace and run for their lives so no zombies get them. Once a week they must make a live human sacrifice to keep the zombies at bay. All the zombies have burnt flesh so they smell really bad and its almost impossible to breath while around them. After every church service they are let loose to terarise people leaving the service. They also patrol the drug fields around the church to make sure no hippies get near them. When a hippy is spotted it is usually to stoned to know what the hells going on so he laughs as he is eatin alive. The one supreme ruler of the zombies is Donald Trump, they follow his every command. When ever one the zombies is destoyed, by romoving the head or destroying the brain, he dies a little bit on the inside. He can do this even though he sold his soul to Satin and thats why his hair is the way it is.
- Every member has been brainwashed.
- Every Christmas the members get crowbars and break into peoples houses when they are opening their presents. At this time they burn the presents, sodomise and kill the adults, and kidnap the children so they can be converted.
- Also, they burn orphanages on Christmas Eve.
- Every member has bladder issues.
- Bush is the supreme ruler of the church
- Sunday school is held on Tuesday.
- The supreme court justices live in the downstairs bathroom.
- The Pope punched a hole in the wall during an argument with Tom Cruise. (the hole is still there)
- The Church has no kitchen, since they do not want to burn down the cardboard boxes.
- Church members live in fear of Catholics.
- Church members are required to have ONLY microsoft products for their computers.
- Don't insult a member, they all carry machetes!
- If you happen to meet a member, and survive, consider yourself lucky.
- Old ladies are not allowed there.
- The member list only contains 3 last names.
- The church takes money from the poor.
- George Bush forgot where the church is.
- The church is a dangerous and violent place.
- Due to the number of dogs in the church, always carry pepper spray (refer to karate! training course for instruction on how you use the pepper spray.)
- You are expected to donate cats to the church for charity.
- Zach is gay.
- Dick Cheney approves of the above message.
- The dead rise and eat everyone who enters and exits. (Death is Boring)
- The church graveyard is in the boiler room instead of outside.
- Also known as Boner Bible Church.
The many famous people of the Fleetwood Bible church.
- George Bush: Not the brightest crayon in the box.
- Brad Pitt: Forgot where the church is, and never came back. (They check the local pound every few days for him)
- Osama Bin Ladin: Best friends with number 1 on this list, cause number 1 is a communist.
- Saddam Hussein: "Hanging out" in downstairs bathroom of church, not dead.
- Republican Party: Hey, they're required to be members.
- George Foreman: Grills members who do not pay fifty thousand to attend services.
- Fox News: Too stupid to realize they get negative publicity from the church.
- Tom Cruise: He and Brad Pitt sumo-wrestle each other after every service.
- Kim Jong-III: He needed someplace to hide the nukes.
- Bill Gates: Heads the nerd department of Fleetwood Bible Church (all of the church).
- Donald Trump: He is the supreme ruler of the zombies.
Fleetwood Bible Church By the Numbers
- Taco Bell Chiwawas - 2378
- Crazy Lunitics - 3498723
- Exiled World Leaders - 239
- "Pastors" - 39
- Spare Tires - 3
- Hot Dog Buns - 1023948
- Cats - 3993
- Seats - 2390
- Bathrooms (hey, they gotta go!) - 249
- Whoopie Cushions - 79
- Skulls of former members (were their deaths accidental?) - 230
- zombies - 999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 and rising
The Grand Article is based truthfully on the Fleetwood Bible Church. Please don't feed the Republicans.