Woody Woodpecker

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“In Communist Russia, Wood pecks Woody Woodpecker”

~ Russian on Woody Woodpecker

“My Woody Woodpecker is getting bigger”

~ Butthead on Watching (his) Woody Woodpecker
Woody Woodpecker had VERY low self-esteem and in 2008 after losing his house and stocks, he killed himself!

Woody Woodpecker was born in... probably in 1921, somewhere in Cleveland (Maybe Gaywood). He was father of Woodrow McWoodfucker who pecked Sean Connery's mother every night (And oddly enough...she liked it!).

Woody McWoodfucker was born to peck ever since he was a baby. He would peck everything even his own house. This would stop in 1929 when The Great Depression hit town. During the Depression, Woody would perform as a Crow and call himself James...(Yeah, he was Jim Crow)! This act would help him try to be an actor, and Walter Disney saw Woody's act that night in 1933. However...Woody didn't get the part because Donald Duck performed the same night as Sambo (And Donald wore nothing but soot)! This got Woody crazy, so he went to an Asylum for a few years.

But...the reason why Woody didn't get the gig was because of his name...Woody WoodFucker. So Woody changed his name to Woody Woodpecker, escaped from the Asylum, and tried again for an audition. This night...Walter Lantz was there and he was looking for a new recruit. Walter liked Woody's performance, but he loved Bad Andy Panda's performance even better. So that night Woody knocked on Lantz's roof all night long. Woody did this until Lantz told him that he's got the gig for being in cartoons.

Woody Woodpecker[edit]

From 1940-1970, Woody Woodpecker would be in the theaters. He was considered the craziest cartoon character ever. Even crazier than Screwy Squirrel. Woody was known to peck people's heads and Wally Walrus was Woody Woodpecker's target. In those days, everyone in Hollywood talked to everyone in Hollywood, but not Woody nor Wally.

Wally Walrus was Woody's rival in the cartoons, and off-stage they were rivals as well. Woody would eat like a bird (really!) This angered Wally Walrus, he even told Walter Lantz himself that Woody was "A Gott-Damn Nuisance"! Well, in 1953 Wally quits and Woody fucks-with Buzz Buzzard more.

Later, Woody would be teamed-up with Loopy de Loop in a few cartoons, but Loopy couldn't speak English at the time. So after one (or two) cartoons, Loopy left and Woody Woodpecker took over his cartoons.

Woody in the 60's[edit]

Woody Woodpecker enjoyed the 60's riding in his Woody and surfing. He would join a band that was called "The Three Caballeros" which then became "The Caballeros" once Woody came in. One of Woody's pasttimes is to make statues out of wood. He made mostly woodys, but he thought they were pieces of art.

In 1967, Woody Woodpecker wrote a song that wound-up on The Beach Boys album "Frowny-Frown" called "Fall Breaks into Winter". This would be the only song written by Woody that was approved by all the five Beach Boys. But his song "Woody in a Woody" would find light on a Brian Wilson album.

Woody also made Jimi Hendrix's woody out of wood. He also would sculpt the Woody Award founded by Woody Woodpecker himself! But this angered Walter Lantz, so he fired Woody once he shown a woody on his last cartoon.

Porn Star[edit]

In the 70's, Woody Woodpecker would be a porn star. However, these were gay porn flicks and Woody did them for blowjobs.

Woody vs. Thrush[edit]

In 1969...a Thrush that looked like Woody Woodpecker decided to race Woody Woodpecker at Altamont. The race was a tragic race since it killed a Black Guy. Thrush got arrested for running over him, but presses were dropped later since they had no evidence. This race also had a performance by The Rolling Stones, but Hell's Angels provided the beer!

The Thrush Race was revived in 1994...but this time, there was no music nor beer.

The New Woody Woodpecker[edit]

In 1999, Woody Woodpecker came out of retirement (but no one cared). Woody would be revamped and his show would gain momentum. In 2000, Woody Woodpecker tried to run for president in the Republican Party, but lost to John McCain and George W. Bush. This didn't upset Woody, he became the U.S. Housing Trustee by destroying condemned homes.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to woody woodpecker.


In 2008, the housing bust came. Woody Woodpecker had a lot of money in Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Once Woody heard this came, he got upset because people may want to live in the condemned homes.

So...Woody Woodpecker killed himself!

There was a funeral for him in Hollywood and Bush cried more than anyone else there.

The most shocking thing that the people found out was...Woody had NO Woody!