This article is about the disease. For information about the language spoken by dogs, see Bark (Dog).
Commonly used as the shortened term of "Wet Hoof", woof describes a condition in which the hoof, or any other appendage of any sort of creature, is saturated with water. While seemingly a normal condition, prolonged periods of woof can result in diearhea, herpes, vaginal fungal growth, pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), HIV, chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, republicanism and a crazy belief in god.
Discovery and Acquisition
Prior to 1974, woof was not believed to have existed. Although clearly defined in several ancient texts such as the Koran and the Dead Sea Scrolls, most ignored its existence due to US President Gerald Ford's propaganda denouncing the existence of any condition more potent than chicken pox. The Secret Unsilent Handshake Society, a secret society with membership consisting of all Republican US Presidents prior to and including Gerald Ford, had an almost 200 year conspiracy to muck all public cases of woof, as they believed that public knowledge of woof would promote promiscuity among minorities, thus increasing Democratic representation in America.
However, in a taping of ABC's hit soap-opera series "All My Children", janitor for the set Jorge Izquierda discovered several large and spotty rashes on his torso. Initially mistaken as a set of akwardly placed hickies produced by actor Matthew Anton (see Izquierda-Anton Affair), the rashes were later discovered to be the herald for a new type of condition later diagnosed as woof.
In an effort to combine news with drama (and ultimately boost ratings), ABC decided to air their discovery during an episode of "All My Children", which allowed for little that the Secret Unsilent Handshake Society could do, since the show was so popular and widely watched. As the condition known as woof was exposed, the society's prevalence and power diminished...and the hispanic and african-american population in the US began to increase at an enormous rate. Many believe that this was only a coincidence because such minorities have been having mass amounts of unproctected and free sex among a wide variety of age groups (10-18, 19-38, 39-65, and 10 with 42 year olds) prior to the airing.
Although woof is not easily contagious, it can be acquired quite easily through several means. The most common of these involves a lake or river of some sort, where the appendages of a creature can be easily saturated for long periods of time. However, other means include, but are not limited to:
Simple exposure does not guarantee acquisition. In most cases, constant exposure for anywhere from 12-48 hours is necessary for full contraction. This varying time depends on several factors, including:
- Type of creature
- Age and Sex of creature
- Molecular composition of the liquid
- Humidity in Houston, Chicago, Louisiana and Fargo
- Amount of Nigerian women currently masturbating with a pinecone to images of Chuck Norris
- The inverse of the United States' national debt
The symptoms of woof generally vary from creature to creature. However, there are some common symptoms that most creature will exhibit during early stages of woof. First, a large set of scaly, red rashes will develop on the torso. Moments later, the creature will agonizingly exclaim, in his/its own language, "Oh mother fucking voimitation caressing twelve nights of dashingly charming hetero-genital blinds of satin curtains and beer!" Researchers have discovered that the expression of the signifying sentence usually follows a common set of tones and pitch, therefore contraction of woof can be easily discovered, reguardless of species. Working with musicians, researchers have concluded that the first half of the sentence matches the notes of "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while the latter half coincides with that of Kanye West's "Gold Digger".
A special case of symptoms exists with dogs, cats, and most other house pets. Rather than developing physical and verbal symptoms, these creatures develop sensual and emotional symptoms. Dogs will become sexually aroused to the scent of their masters, often trying to kiss them or lick genitals. Certain cases have reported that such house pets become so sexually committed to their masters that they frequently "put out" or become more obedient. The movie industy has abused this condition, often subjecting their stunt animals to woof and then forcing them to do tricks and other shinannigans. The ALAFWC (Animal Lovers Against Forced Woof Contraction) has attempted to crack down on such cases and penalize abusers in the film industry, such as the creators of Doctor Doolittle and PBS's Wishbone.
Because of the increasing numbers of creatures with woof, doctors around the world have collaborated in forming a physical preventive device that will allow for safe venturing into waters or liquids of any sort. With the concept of keeping what's inside dry and what's outside wet, famous geologist Edward Burton developed a latex-based wrapping to fully enclose almost any appendage of any size. Having been a minority and affected by the increased promiscuity due to the knowledge of woof, Burton had several children - six to be precise. Having loved them very much, he took the first letter of each of their names and titled his new invention thus - Modonc. The general public had much difficulty pronouncing the name, therefore it was renamed the "Condom", which later developed in to several additional uses, such as pregnancy prevention and balloon animals.