World War Negative One

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This article documents an event that you have missed. You may have to time travel to experience it.

“I've covered this war.”

~ Frank West on World War -1

“I declare this day WW-1 day in honor of the lost Super Mario Level.”

~ George W. Bush on September 11, 2002

“Can't stop t3h ZErg Rush!”

~ Oscar Wilde on World War -1

Truly one of the darkest thumbnails for the Planet Russia and indeed the state of Wisconsin, World War Negative One (Or, as it was known at the time, World War III, or World War 4294967295), World War Negative One occured between 4004 BC (the dawn of creation) and 1844 AD. As is well known, Planet Russia was in the midst of a terrible famine, possibly because porn spam had not been invented yet. Out of desperation and the threat of popular revolt, Czar John F. Kennedy faked his assassination at the hands of the Raelian Archbishop Tom Cruise. The Raelian nation, outraged by the allegation, denied any involvement with Cruise. However, the Russian people would not be satisfied, and proceeded to declare war on Raelia by performing a running jump near the end of the level, going through the wall and quickly entering the warp pipe, thereby entering zone -1. As the cogs of war moved into motion like the hands of a bloodthirsty lapdancer, the analogies began to worsen. Soon, Planet Russia encountered a difficulty as terrible as that caramel syrup at the IHOP, which was the only restaurant at the time counting at over 120 IHOPs per square mile. The Russian steed of choice, the burro, was not suited to interplanetary travel, as it tended to jam during firing. Because of this massive intelligence failure, the Russians were forced to fight the war in their puppet state of Wisconsin. There, they engaged in gorilla warfare, downing the Raelian Orbital Flamethrowers and proceeding to nibble off the crew's assmeats. The Raelians were outraged by this behavior, and sought a way to end the war. After much research, the Raelians learned that the one true religion lay nestled in the Noodly Appendages of the Almighty Flying Spaghetti Monster, and, after a saucrifice to Him, called upon His powers to end the war. Simultaneously annoyed and flattered, He decided to reach out with His Noodly Appendages and grope every Russian political leader. The humiliated Russian government admitted defeat, and after signing the Kyoto Protocol, the war was declared over, with much spite.

World Wars

I | I 1/2 | II | II Divided by 0 | III | IV | 4 1/2 | V | VI | VII | VIII | X | XI | XII | XXI | ∞

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