World War V
|World War V|
A British soldier cleanses a foreign soldier from the Earth.
|Conflict: World War V|
|Date: August 11, 2068–November 33, 2072|
|Outcome: New British Empire win|
|Alliance of Twat countries (Zimbabwe, Russia, China, Germany, Vietnam, Italy, Japan) Fascist League of South America||New British Empire|
|Chief twat Vigo the Dictator(Russia)
Dora the Explorer(Mexico) Ching Chong Chang (China)
|King Tony The Conquerer|
World War V (also known as World War 5) is a future global war between The New British Empire and The Alliance of Twat Countries (ATC). It shall begin when some countries everyone hates allied to combat the New British Empire's plan to take over The World.
Following World War IV, the Fascist League of South America was now in control of most of South America. Meanwhile, Britain decided to make another empire. France held off the intial attack, but Zombie Napoleon was killed in the process, and France quickly lost its gains in Belgium, the Netherlands and Luxembourg upon the British offering better food (i.e. food not cooked in garlic). Spain and Portugal was also taken from France due to the fact that they are, in fact, Spanish. Canada, Australia and India then join as well because they remembered how fun the old British empire was. Britain then goes and conquers loads of of other random bits of the world for fun This caused Russia, China and other Twatish countries to form the Alliance of Twat Countries because they were scared of the big nasty Britain..
The Actual War
The First Bit of the War
The war finally started in 2068, when British troops invaded Germany through the Ardennes (oh the irony!). They then proceeded to thoroughly whupp the asses of the German army in the battle of the crappy German cars and the battle of the house of Germany's least racist leader.The victorious Brits then went and painted swastikas on walls. British troops in India then invaded China, killed some Chinamen (the ones with guns) and then forced the Chinese survivors to eat vindaloos. Then, a fleet of paper airplanes (with lazerz :D) started bombing china and its chinaians. The ultimate humiliation was then unleashed upon China - Margaret Thatcher was brought back from the dead to steal all China's milk and become dictator of the British puppet state of China. Further Imperial attacks into Russia and an invasion of Italy through the Alps and Sicily meant that the Alliance of Twat Countries was losing by the end of 2069, only Zimbabwe and Japan had so far escaped attack.
Worried that Britain would attack them next, but lacking Sat-Navs due to the effects of World War IV, the Fascist League of South America launched a pre-emptive strike against the New British Empire by invading the USA. By the end of 2068, Britain occupies southern China and the rich bit of Germany, while South America owns the USA and the commercialized states apart from New York and Idaho, as no-one wants Idaho. After protests by the Idahoians in January 2069 about unfair it was that they hadn't been conquered and enslaved by Latin Hitler impressionists, South America bombed Idaho, New York and Canada, which meant that the South Americans had finally hit the place they were aiming for (New British Empire). Luckily, all the Fascist bombers got killed by wooden bi-planes, which shows how little Canada matters to everyone who isn't Canadian, but also that the Canadians can fly planes pretty damn good. In response to this minor annoyance, the New British Empire's finest and most evil minds were told to create a new breed of superweapons.
The War, part 2
By May 2069, the first of The British Empire's new superweapons were ready - Super Toasters, capable of launching 10 megaton slices of toast at ranges of up to 100 miles. These massive slices of bread were capable of flattening entire cities, but as they were naturally decomposable, the Super Toaster became the first WMD accepted by Greenpeace. Super Toasters were also mounted on warships to bombard coastlines. These Naval Super Toasters were armed with smaller pieces of toast as well as the 10 megaton slices, for ship to ship combat. Naval Super Toasters were deployed to the South Atlantic to prepare for an invasion of the Fascist League of South America from the Falklands (irony again used as a British tactic).
Super Toasters are used to devastating effect in the battle of Cleveland, Ohio, when a massive toast barrage from across the great lakes destroyed most of the fascist forces there. Unfortunately, Russia decided to attack the British colony of Latvia, while Britain was fighting in America. The British army in Eastern Europe was pushed out of Russia and Latvia and had to go home, while Twat troops also attacked British troops in Europe and China. Luckily more British troops, tanks, planes, dogs and Super Toasters were used to attack the Twats, and Margaret Thatcher used all the milk she has stolen over the years to drown three entire Chinese armies.
Meanwhile the leader of Zimbabwe, cyber-Mugabe, used the trillions of dollars of tax he gets from every Zimbabwean to create a super army of zombies to attack British troops in Africa. Unfortunately the zombies went on the rampage and ate everyone in Zimbabwe, turning them into Zombies. Zombie-cyber-Mugabe then used his zombie army to invade neutral South Africa in February 2070. The South Africans tried to fight the Zimbabwean zombies but surrendered and were eaten. As punishment, South Africa had signs like this put up all over their towns and cities...
What's that? You don't agree with His Excellency, President for Life Robert Mugabe's official policies?
France, meanwhile, trying to defend what was left of its glorious empire, decides to mock the British across the English Channel. The British respond by dropping hot crumpets and tea on key French positions in Normandy.
Phase 3 of the war
In mid 2070 Zombie-Zimbabwe left the Alliance of Twat Countries, so it could turn them into zombies too. The fascists then tried to attack New York, but were defeated by British Super Toaster attacks before the fascists reached New York City. The New British Empire also unleashed its newest superweapons - the Avril Lavigne Sonic Blaster, a weapon that fires the concentrated sound of Avril Lavigne singing, is fatal with one shot, and was developed by Canadian scientists. Australian scientists also created the RPD (Rocket Propelled Dingo)launcher for the British Imperial army which was used to deadly effect against fascist forces in America.
Tanks equipt with Avril Lavigne Sonic Blasters destroyed many Fascist armies and RPDs proved so effective that by December 2070, the Fascist South American armies had retreated to Mexico, but some Fascist troops stayed in Nevada to go gambling, and some stayed round at Barack Obama's retirement home in California because they believed the nutjobs who said Obama was just like Hitler.
In Africa Zimbabwean zombies continued to look for BBBRRRAAAIIIINNNSSSSSSSSSSSSSS..... and some sailed by boat to Italy and ate lots of Italians.
Luckily, Super Toasters were able to destroy many zombies by the end of 2070. The end of 2070 was also when the New British Empire invaded Argentina from the Falklands and bombarded Buenos Aires with Naval Super Toasters. The Fascists took many casualties in Buenos Aires, but were able to carry on fighting in the Pampas and North Mecico. Many fascist troops attempted to hide among the general population of Mexico by wearing sombreros and ponchos, but were given away by lack of random happy shouting.
The end of the war
By mid-2071, the New British Empire was ready to attack in China, Latvia and Germany. The first Roflcopters were deployed in an attack on Vietnam in July 2071.
The Roflcopter attack was so successful that Vietnam immediately surrendered and was added to the Empire.
British troops also pushed deep into China, thousands of Orientals being slain by Avril Lavigne Sonic Blasters and RPD launchers. Shanghai was subject to Super Toaster attack and was then painted green. The RAF bombed Russia with deadly banana bombs, which destroyed large sections of the Russian army. This was followed by massive British offensives across the globe. British troops in Germany reached Poland and forced Germany to unconditional surrender after Berlin was Super Toastered, and the Empire threatened to do the same to Germany's new capital, Frankfurt, because toast does not go well with frankfurters. British troops then invaded and occupied neutral Finland and Estonia, to use to invade Russia and Russian owned Latvia. Through liberal use of Super Toasters, Avril Lavigne Sonic Blasters and Rocket Propelled Dingo launchers, British troops succeeded in something no one had ever done before - successfully conquer Western Russia.
The World during the war
By the end of the war, the New British Empire controlled one third of the Earth's surface. As a reward for this great victory, Prime Minister George Bush (no not that one) was voted out and became Imperial governor of Argie-Bargie-land and Basil Brush, representing the Socialist Democratic Alliance(SODEMALL) party, became Britains new Prime Minister. Sadly he could not change the Brits looks. Their teeth would still stick out and be yellow forever more, partly due to a global lack of dentists and toothpaste after the war, meaning that millions of other people around the world ended up with British quality teeth.
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