World War XI
|World War XI|
|Place: Memphis, Sweden|
|Outcome: Both sides were devastated, and fall into economic depression. Piano was relieved of duty|
|The Teal Army||Elvis's Liberation Army|
|The weighted companion cube||Captain America|
|45 People, and a cat||A can of beans and a shovel|
|1 Person and a pair of socks||4 beans|
World War X had resulted in the splitting of the world . Now, in World War XI, it would be reunited as one planet. This war would be much more devastating than the previous war, resulting in the deaths of all Scotland-ites.
Screw you, Bill
In 2220, the Western Hemisphere had broken off of Earth and become Planet Scotland under the leadership of Sean Connery. However, after only 666 minutes of ruling a free Scotland, Connery decided that he didn’t want anything to do with the pansies of Planet Scotland. After that, there was a major power vacuum (over 1800W), and a power struggle should have occurred (but didn't probably due to Dyson).
Instead, Scotland unanimously declared Bill Gates their despot. He founded the MicroFascist Party, outlawed iPods, Apple Computers, or even apples, and had Steve Jobs put to death. (Obviously.) From there, Bill Gates proceeded to rebuild the somewhat damaged MicroFascist fighting force, and also set out to forge new alliances. First, he went to meet the Klingon leader, Morgan Freeman, who had retired in his old career as God and had went on to be leader of Klingon. Freeman said that his armies would be happy to help Gates in his crusade against Earth, which Freeman had, of course, generated millions of years before.
Master-gates then proceeded to speak with the Chancellor of Hell, who is, of course, Dick Cheney. Gates assumed that, since he had upgraded Cheney’s processors before, Cheney would be willing to help him. Gates turned out to be right, and later that year, the armies of Hell joined the MicroFascists.
Screw britain they are terrorists
Hail to the King, Baby
The WUF was in shambles after World War X. General Gollum had fucked up seriously, and was in hiding in the Misty Mountains for the time being. The Monaco Empire was suffering from a serious gambling problem. The Soviet Union broke up into its constituent republics (Russia, Belarus, Kazakhstan, and Berkeley). Hugochavia was in danger of overthrowing Chavez, renaming itself Venezuela, and getting its freedom back. Disney hadn’t produced a movie worth seeing in centuries, and so Disneyland could not afford a good military. And all the former nations of the WUF were at war with one another over who would lead.
Fortunately, it was then that Bruce Campbell arrived with his boomstick and made some order. He brought the WUF back together, reunited the Soviet Union, and took over as new dictator of Hugochavia. In addition, he was able to hire Chuck Norris to help to reunite the Earth. (Norris had sworn vengeance on Gates after his Windows XD had crashed.) The only reason he didn’t seize power over Earth was because he had more important planets to conquer.
But the WUF could not fight alone. Planet Scotland had allied itself with the Klingons and Hell, and was a force to be feared. But it wasn’t feared since Chuck Norris fears nothing, and can sense fear, and eliminates those who possess it. But it would ordinarily have been feared by all.
Anyway, Norris and Campbell both went to find allies for the WUF. Now, most folks did not give half a weasel’s shit about Earth’s affairs, but a few were willing to help out. Norris went to the Middle of the Earth, where he encountered Mordor. After having a chat with Sauron, Mordor agreed to help the WUF. This agreement was only met after Sauron was pwnd by Norris.
Meanwhile, Bruce Campbell went to Coruscant, where he met Emperor Palpatine. Palpatine was caught at a rather bad time by Campbell (ie in bed with a Guatemalan whore) but, after a few rounds of booze and some persuasion with a gun, Palpatine allied the Galactic Empire with the WUF as well.
“Oh, I’m afraid this penis will be quite operational when the sex arrives.”
It was thus that the stage for World War XI was set.
The War, 2223-2226
The war began on Cucumber πth, when MicroFascist forces led by Robo-Hitler invaded Monaco. The battle of Monaco claimed 12 lives and several expensive yachts owned by wealthy Arab businessmen. It was so disastrous that Sauruman cried. It was very funny.
Gates had succeeded in crushing the Monaco Empire in one fell swoop. It really kind of sucked for the WUF. And things would start to suck even more with the MicroFascist invasion of the Google Republic. A contingent of twenty salesmen came into Google’s capital, the big letter G, and said that Gates would buy Google. After much negotiation, the president of the Google Republic, while sitting on his solid gold throne, signed away his nation for 1 smajillion rubles. It was thus that the Google Republic, too, fell to MicroFascist control.
The invasion of the Soviet Union didn’t go so easily, since it never has in history ever. Cheney’s legions of demons had considerable trouble coping with the lack of fire, but were at least happy about how miserable everybody seemed to be. The Klingons, meanwhile, had gotten pissed off at each other for no obvious reason and broke up into three groups: The True Klingons, the Letgos, and the Klizzles. The three groups proceeded to war with one another over nothing.
It was then that Brian stepped in and said, “We must unite against the common enemy!” And all three groups of Klingons went after the Judean People’s Front. One of Gates’ best allies was lost.
So, with his army of MicroFascist robots and angry demons, Gates invaded the Soviet Union…in the great turning point of the war.
The Turning Point
It was the bloodiest war in World War XI. At least one person was killed, although most estimates place the casualties closer to 9 billion or something. Yes, the epic Battle of the Turning Point was a real killer, it was.
On the MicroFascists’ side, General Fartacus led the troops right into battle. He knew that the MicroFascist troops ran on Windows 3.1 and weren’t really that smart, and that the demons weren’t really into it, but he played World of Warcraft a lot, and assumed that he was therefore a brilliant strategist.
On the side of the WUF, a horde of Soviet troops, orcs, and Imperial stormtroopers. All were very used to cold weather: Russia, New Zealand, and Hoth, respectively. Also, they were lead by Field Marshal HAL 9000, who was infallible. He said so himself!
The battle lasted from 2224 to 2226, and in that time, neither side gained any ground whatsoever, except for a small signpost and four cabbages. It was the dumbest battle ever. It was then that Chuck Norris decided that enough was enough. Although he easily could have defeated Planet Scotland with one glance, he decided to make things interesting. Therefore, he created his own supervirus, Connerhea, from Sean Connery's shit. It was to be used against the MicroFascist forces as a bio weapon.
Meanwhile, Bruce Campbell mobilized the Hugochav military, which consisted of 300 angry druglords and Fidel Castro’s brain. Although they wouldn’t have been so great on their own, Bruce Campbell was such a brilliant general that he could use all of them effectively.
“Druglords! What is your profession?”
“Hooh! Hooh! Hooh!”
Thus, in the last three days of 2226, the combination of the Hugochav army and Connerhea obliterated the gathered MicroFascist army. The orcs ate the demon meat, and the Soviets ate the robot meat. Ladas came out of their asses two days later.
The War, 2226-2231
After that defeat, the MicroFascists would never recover. Chuck Norris now entered the battle himself, and was unstoppable in his onslaught. The Google Republic revolted against Bill Gates, killed their old president who had sold them out, put Donald Trump in his place, and edited Google Earth so that the world was whole again.
The invasion of Hell in 2228 eliminated Gates’ last ally. Two months and three Doom sequels later, Cheney surrendered to the WUF. All the remaining demons were put in internment camps in Heaven for the remainder of the war.
The final battles on Planet Scotland itself resulted in the deaths of all living things there, as well as the deactivation of all robots. The MicroFascist capital city of My-Computer-opolis was instantly destroyed when Chuck Norris came there and farted. Billions had fallen to hungry orcs, angry Soviets, murderous stormtroopers, horny Monaconians, and other WUF units, as well as the deadly Connorhea.
Endut! Hoch hech!
Bill Gates was exiled to Caralot, which is that godawful city where the Care Bears live. And they’re all Mac users!! Anyway, with Planet Scotland destroyed, the two halves were successfully mended by Captain Planet.
Scotland was then repopulated by smurfs and goblin-children.
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