World War XIX
|World War XIX|
|Date: 9002 - 15003|
|Place: The Island of Lost Doom|
|Outcome: Island of Lost Doom wins|
|Island of Lost Doom||Forbidden Isle of Misery|
|Mr. Rogers||Duke Nukem|
World War XIX was, by far, the longest, least destructive war in history. It is also not very aptly named, since it only took place on a very isolated pair of islands in the middle of the Specific Ocean. It lasted about 6000 years and accomplished nothing whatsoever.
In the beginning…
World War XIX had its roots on the Island of Lost Doom, a place which had once been an island of doom but had lost its doom in 2942. As a result, the people of the island were all very happy and contented, and really wanted their doom back. But their doom had been stolen by Duke Nukem, king of the nearby Forbidden Isle of Misery. They constantly demanded that he return their doom, but Nukem would not comply.
Things get worse
In 2989, the Island of Lost Doom reported its 47th year without a horrible death. They were getting real pissed. Even worse was that the people of Nukem’s island were experiencing all the doom they could want. People were constantly going up in flames, falling into traps, getting eaten by zombies, and other doom-type stuff. The Lost Doomians were getting very jealous, and very desperate.
In Porntober of 2989, Lost Doomian president Mister Rogers went on a diplomatic trip to the Forbidden Isle of Misery. He came with great offers in return for their doom, including gold, women, and a free copy of Halo 43, but Nukem would not accept. Mister Rogers left, as indignant as he had ever been.
“You’re not a very nice man.”
Things get worser
In 3004, a group of tourists from the Island of Lost Doom went to the Forbidden Isle of Misery. All around them, they saw people being brutally killed by all the doom abounding on Duke Nukem’s island. But when they went to the Temple of Skulls and asked for some doom, they were denied it. All 4 of those tourists had to return to their homes alive and unscathed.
Of course, they took this all the way to Mr. Rogers himself. Mr. Rogers was so angry that he almost took of his sweater. He even forgot to feed his fish that day. They got so hungry that they immigrated to Sierra Leone, where food abounded.
Meanwhile, Mr. Rogers sent his ultimatum to Duke Nukem. He said that if Duke did not return the doom in 24 hours, he would invade the Forbidden Isle of Misery. And, of course, Duke still did not give in.
“Come get some.”
Mr. Rogers, in response, issued a formal declaration of war.
World War XIX had begun.
The War begins!
Due to technical issues, the war could not start until 3010. Every citizen on the Island of Lost Doom took up arms, which they got from the black market in the Land of Make-Believe. In the end, all 12 people on the Island hopped onto their only warship, which was actually Fat Albert. As his gas propelled them to the Forbidden Isle of Misery, their ship was constantly yelling utterly incomprehensible war phrases.
Upon arrival on the Forbidden Isle of Misery, all 12 soldiers stormed the shores, armed with their kitten launchers and fun throwers. Meanwhile, Duke Nukem’s forces, which amounted to about 19 units, emerged from the jungle. Each was armed with a pistol, a sniper rifle, a gatling gun, a rocket launcher, a flamethrower, a shitload of grenades, and a whole variety of cool Duke Nukem-ish future weapons. They would have creamed the Lost Doomians except that Duke’s military was ordered to withhold all doom from them.
Therefore, the Lost Doomians were using utterly useless weapons against a foe that would not hurt back.
The war was kind of set up to suck.
Just keeps going and going and going…
6000 years after its beginning, nothing whatsoever had been gained by either side. Duke Nukem was hell-bent on not giving any of the Lost Doomians any doom, and the Lost Doomians themselves did not have anything dangerous to use. As a result, the Lost Doomians spent several millennia charging about the Forbidden Isle of Misery, shooting widdle fwuffy kittens and big wads of joy at their enemies, who were getting really irritated. Mr. Rogers was getting so bored that he begged Duke Nukem to obliterate his entire army, but Duke was insistent that he not harm the Lost Doomian army at all.
About fucking time
Finally, in 9001, Mr. Rogers decided that enough was enough. So he called up Xerxes, the god-king of Canada. Xerxes, being a generous god and all, sent the armies of all Canada (four men with tree branches and a beagle) to go screw over the Forbidden Isle of Misery. When the Canadians showed up, it took them another year to kill 14 of Duke Nukem’s men. Duke told his soldiers that they were allowed to fire upon the Canadians, but by this time the weapons being used were so obsolete that the soldiers didn’t feel like using them.
On April farteenth, 9002, after 14 soldiers had been gradually killed by the Canadian military, Duke Nukem surrendered, and gave the doom back to the Lost Doomians. They were overjoyed, and threw a great parade with their doom as the guest of honor.
All 12 citizens were killed by the doom, thus completing their dreams.
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