Worst 100 Rejected Harry Potter Novels
With over 1 billion copies of Harry Potter books being sold every minute, it's pretty obvious that this particular money cow is to be milked for all its worth. J.K. Rowling has, to date, penned 2,547 Harry Potter Books - the vast majority of which were deemed too believable for fans to comprehend. The result of which is a massive back catalogue of unreleased Harry Potter material.
Each story had a title, and below is a list of the worst 100 of the thousands that were suggested, worked upon and, in some cases, completed. In some cases the synopsis for the intended book has been included under the title.
- 100. Harry Potter and the Dick in a Box.
Harrys new birthday present is a dick in a box. Most people ask Harry why his box has a small, bald hamster in it, but Draco saw it once and dashed off to the gents toilets. The next day he was treated for a mysterious right-wrist cramp. Could somone please put the original picture here?
- 99. Harry Potter and the Fucking Big Chickens
- Chickens have over-run Hogwarts! Can Harry save the day, and forget what he saw Hagrid doing in his house with one of the chickens half way through the plot?
- 98. Harry Potter and the Messy Bedsheets
- All of those midnight feasts get to Harry, and after a prolonged session of Butter Beer dirty sheets ensue. What... what else did you think I meant?
- 97. Harry Potter and the False Accusations
- Grafitti starts to appear in the men's lavvy in Hogwarts proclaiming that Harry Potter is "A big gay poofwizard" and "hung like a Limpwuitted Virginmouse". He refutes these claims, often in ways that violate numerous sexual assault laws, but the culprit turns out to be Ron Weasley, violently jealous of Harry's popularity.
- 96. Harry Potter and the Illegal Hooch
- Strange bubbling sounds can be heard from the Gryffinor bedrooms, but it's not Polyjuice Potion or a bizarre initiation ritual... it's Harry's stash of illegal alcohol. Can he stay sober enough to drink through it all before Snape discovers what he's done? And just what DID he get up to the night before that made his ass so sore...?
- 95. Harry Potter and the Misunderstood Proposition
- Harry tells Ron a joke who takes it literally and the next morning tells everyone that Harry Potter... yes, THE Harry Potter proposed to him. And he's said yes! Watch as Harry tries not to hurt his friends feelings as Ron prepares the wedding, choosing Neville Longbottom as his best man and writing the wedding speech. Unfortunately, after Ron reads Harry's Facebook status (Harry Potter: Is shitting himself) he twigs and commits suicide by cutting off his genitals and mailing them to Harry.
- 94. Harry Potter and the Bizarre Stoat Ritual
- Harry potter is asked to join a new club, which is full of
MUTHA FUCKIN' VAMPIREShot girls. He can't wait to join. The initiation ceremony is tomorrow. But what is all that weird squeaking from that box over there? And why are some of the new people at bogwarts sort of furry, like their mother was a stoat.
- 93. Harry Potter and the frozen
- It would be better if we didn't go into this...
- 92. Harry Potter and the Legal Action Against Snape
- FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SNAPE, I DO NOT HAVE A FRICKIN' CHOAD!! I WILL SEE YOU IN COURT!!
- 91. Harry Potter and the Experimentation
- After an enlargement attempt gone badly wrong, harry finds himself with a major self-esteem probelm. Can he get his most precious part back before his vowed teabagging of Hermione on the last day of term?
90 - 81
- 90. Harry Potter and the Hashish Stash
- When Dumbledore loooks slightly less sane than usual, Harry Potter beings a desperate race to uncover the reason. It couldn't possibly be Harry's secret weed stash, surely?
- 89. Harry Pothead and the Philosopher's Stoned (sequel to 90)
- Harry, after convincind Dumbledore to take acid instead of weed (which invovles Dumbledore falling to his death from the tallest tower, but it's all good, right?) is now back on his hash and, after taking an unusually large dose, finds himself as the prime minister of Britain, married to 2 old men and his own dad.
- 88. Harry Potter and the Criminal Investigation (sequel to 89)
It looks like Harry Potters antics are up for good when Inspector Dawhoreis Underage comes to hogwarts. Can Harry Potter bribe her? And does he even want to when he finds out what the bribe is?
- 87. Harry Potter and the entire gallon of Hagrids spunk.
- Harry is beggining to regret this dare. Still, a hero's gotta do what a hero's gotta do.
- 86. Harry Potter and the garden of lesbians.
- Sequel to number 24.
- 85. Harry Potter and the Snape's on a Plane
I'M SICK OF THESE MUTHA F*CKIN' SNAPES ON THIS MUTHA F*CKING PLANE!
- 84. Harry Potter and the half-naked prince.
There is a new arrival at hogwarts because of the bi-wizard tournament. But why does Hermione suddenly have trouble doing her homework and needs to be alone in her room? And why did Harry see the guy without any trousers the other day.
- 83. Harry Potter and the Dining in Hell
- "Service was poor, the waiters were rude,the food took ages getting here, when it did it was burnt and there were 300 really annoying, noisy Spartans on the next table! I'm never coming here again!"
- 82. Harry Potter and the zombeh invasion
- As year 3 begins, zombies(apparently,that are nazi's) come out of the dark forest and try to attack hogwarts. Also,harry and the gang attempt a mission to find out if (you-know-who) sent the zombies.
- 81. Harry Potter Trapped in R. Kelly's Closet
- J.K.Rowling was sued by Kelly before she could make any piss jokes, which was interesting as Kelly's act of suing was admission that he had pissed on a girl. The case was thrown out, along with the book.
80 - 71
- 80. Harry Potter and This is Sparta
- This was the shortest one, where King Leonidas kicks Harry Potter into the Pit of Death, but somehow, he reappears in the next one. (You total weirdo!! GO BACK TO RUSSIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!)
- 79. Harry potter and the return of Colin Creepy.
- Colin creepy, the weird kid who sold "value" photos of first form girls to hagrid and was expelled for writing "Albus' mumsawhore has a troll fetish, is back. Harry has decided to ignore this and carry on with his showers all alone at the edge of the school. But what is that wierd clicking noise? And why are girls pointing at him in the corridors and sniggering?
- 78. Harry Potter and the Waste of 400 Pages
- It breaks the fourth wall.
- 77. Harry Potter and the Attack of the asploding Diarrhea (Prequel to 38)
- After there are aslposed patches all the way from the school toilets to the Grittyfloor common room, people begin to wonder who caused this problem. When Harry's bed is found to have asploded, there is the ususal Friday night angry mob. However, Harry soon wins their friendship back by aiming it at teachers. The teachers don't mind,as it's not the first time that they've been right up to their necks in sh-
- 76. Harry Potter and the Doping Scandal
- 75. Harry Potter and the Quest for the Holy Grail
- Ron fumbles the count and wastes a perfectly good Holy Handgrenade on the family car. Meanwhile, Harry is trapped in the tower with the strange girls. He somehow is trapped. You'd really think he'd be able to overcome them...
- 74. Harry Potter and the ASBO
- All right potter, you've sabotaged my answer machine to scream F*CK YOU, repalced my tea with piss, fed my girlfriend to the frozen gimp and raped my nostrils for the last time!
- 73. Harry Potter and the Empire Strikes Back
Last warning, Rowling.
- 72. Hairy Potter and the Copyright Infringement
- We f*cking told you, Rowling!
- 71. Harry Potter and the Battle Royale
- When a hogwarts gay is attacked by a hogwarts straight, a massive fight breaks out, with the straights and gays against each other. The school divided 50:50, the battle lasts for days until one of the
gaysstraights (Harry) uses the spell dildous maximus causing all the gays to gaze in awe at it until they are all killed.
70 - 61
- 70. Harry Potter and the Spinning Grave of Tolkien
Connect him to a motor and you can power new york for a year, man!
- 69. Harry Potter and the Adolescent Sniggering at the Number 69
There's nothing funny about the number 69. And the fact that I have written it by putting a picture of two women doing it isn't funny either.
- 68. Harry Potter and the Wand of Satisfaction (prequel to 60).
When Harry Potter is being chased through the library by mick shagger, he discovers secret extra-restricted section. But, after he has looked at one for a while, he seems to realise that he has been here for several days. Hermione becomes suspicious. There's only one type of book the Harry would spend that long looking at...
- 67. Harry Potter and the Semi-Believable Character
"My name is Cornholio! I need t.p. for my bunghole!!"
- 66. Harry Potter and the Hairy Goblet (sequel to 41)
- Harry gets his Hairy Formula on Snape's drinking goblet.
- 65. Harry Potter and the Regrettable Drugs Experience
- Harry accidently summons a Psychedelic Toad (Bofu Alvarius) instead of a common toad. The Hallucinagenic sweat puts Harry in a Purple Haze.
- 64. Harry Potter and the sudden appearance of strange hair.
- Harry is unexpectedly overcome with strange emotions for Malfoy, and, when he finds out their love is forbidden, becomes hooked on cocaine and absynth, and is expelled for projectile vomiting over professor McGonnagle.
- 63. Harry Potter and the Fagging Incident
Not that type of fag. Harry potter was accused of using first years to empty his chamberpot. So what? O.K., maybe making them drink it is a little harsh, but Dumbledore pees directly into their mouths. At least, that's what it looks like..
- 62. Harry Potter and the 'Pull My Finger' Joke
It was not normal joke. The school had been serving bean hash for lunch that day. Trelawny was blown into the lake and kidnapped by lesbian nymphs. Mission successful!
- 61. Harry Potter and Your Mom
- It lasted 2 hours and it was the cheapest Harry ever got it. He'll be using her again!
60 - 51
- 60. Harry Potter and the Right-Wrist Cramp
After Harry has been looking at the most restricted part of the Library, he finds himself with cramps in his right wrist. Can he make the teachers believe he got it from writing? And what will the next user of the book do when they see the stains?
- 59. Harry Potter and the Accusations Surfacing on Myspace
After some of Harry's friday night vices get out on myspace, he is desperate to prove them wrong. Can he do it? And can he afford the child support should he fail?
- 58. Harry Potter and Rule 34
When Harry forgets Rule 34 and accidentally initates the Manhunt, Ron has to hide in the forest, accused of raping the schools beloved pet furby. Can Harry convince the school that it is a mistake? And how will Ron manage in the all-male centaur crew in the middle of the forest?
- 57. Harry Potter and the Sudden Urge to Become an Emo
trail of blood butterflies! Follow the trail of blood butterflies! Yaaaaaay! Hey what the? Harry?
SPEAK TO ME MAN!!
- 56. Harry Potter and the man-eating cannabis plant
- When Harry buys a dodgy plant from manfungus letcher things start to go awfully wrong when the plant gets the whole of Gryffindor pree-ty high.
- 55. Harry Potter and the Physical
- Dumbledore ran his fingers down harry's leg one last time (to check for moles). "Now Harry," he said "I'm going to tie you down and begin my anal examination. it invovles inserting my 'probe' into your anus and shaking it about for about two minutes. it's extremley tiring and I make some strange noises. I just want you to keep your blindfold on, and think happy thoughts. I will then give you a breathalyser test. Keep breathing hard on it until some sample mdicine comes out. You are then free to go."
- 54. Harry Potter and the 87 Hour Marathon World of Warcraft Session
This caused several first-years to drop dead from exhaustion. Maybe it's a serial killing, as they all have a close-up of a night elf on the screen and some yoghurt(?) on the floor near them.
- 53. Harry Potter and the Disgusting Fantasties About McGonagall
- It involves a wand, a broomstick and a vat of Mr. Mackniffles wonder jelly. I'm saying nothing more.
- 52. Harry Potter and the Love Bomb
- When snape tries to have sex with a women , the 96,000 tonne rhypnol bomb he attempts to use fails and simply asplodes, trapping Harry, Ron And Hermione in a room, with food and water but nothing to do until they are eventually resuced. But why does Ron seem so reluctant to join in with Harry and Hermione? A little wrestling never hurt anyone, right? At least it looks like wrestling. Hermione is certainly making some interesting battle crys.
- 51. Harry Potter and the Slash Fiction
After a book with a drawing of Harry snogging Ron (drawn in crayon) is released and everyone believes it. Can Harry ever convince the hot girls he is straight? And what will happen if mick shagga finds out?
50 - 41
- 50. Harry Potter and the Internet History
When Harry's internet history is posted on the school wall, he has some difficult explaining to do to Ron. He doesn't know some of the words...
- 49. Harry Potter and the time they just sat there for 300 pages
- With Rowling running out of ideas she thought it would be a good way to make her book look like she actually BOTHERED to write anything useful by filling 300 pages with shit.
- 48. Harry Potter and the Discovery of the Fetish
- Harry is shocked to learn that he has a rare and legenday troll fetish. Can he hide his new double life from his fans? What will Ron do when he sees Harry masturbating to troll porn?
- 47. Harry Potter and the artist formerly known as the half-blood Prince.
- Lord Baldyfart is winning his great battle against Harry until the artist formerly known as Prince turns up and scares Baldyfart away using his very high and EXTREMELEY ANNOYING voice.
- 46. Harry Potter and the Pimping of his Ride
- 45. Harry Potter and the cursed condom..(sequel to 43)
After Harry's misadventure with Aslutta Nebronia, Harry decides that he should start using a condom. Hilarious misadventures ensue as it splits before raping Aslutta and then loging itself firmly in Harrys nose.
- 44. Harry Potter and the Pubic Hair Found in the Gryffindor Bathroom Adventure
After a 16-foot pubic hair is found strangling people in the bathroom, Harry Begins a desperate quest to stop it. But what will he do when he learns it Hermione's?
- 43. Harry Potter and the Wand of Fire (The World of Magicians STDs)
After Harry Potter gets up to his Friday night fun once too often, he suddenly notices that his favourite magical wand burns. Can he face the embarassement of showing the school nurse? And what will he do when she takes it and puts right in the middle of her-
- 42. Harry Potter and the Vibrating Broomstick
- Harry modified his nimbus 2000 intending to use it to teach Hermoine how to fly, but Prof. Snape has got hold of it. There's only one way to get if back...
The classic story where the invention turns back on the inventor.
- 41. Harry Potter and the Premature... Baldness
- Ron's April fools joke proves very hard to reverse. Harry has to invent a Hairy Formula.
40 - 31
- 40. Harry Potter and the Easter Eggs of Doom
- Valdamort has hidden dooms day Easter Eggs in Hogwarts. Can Harry find them before they hatch into evil copies of Hogwarts students? If he can't these evil copies will run around the school making clucking noises and do other embarassing things.
- 39. Harry Potter and the Overdue Library Book
- Malfoy has stolen and hidden a library book Harry had checked out. Harry must avoid the librarian while going to classes, Quidditch training, etc. until he finds the book or he will face the merciless wrath of the legendary Mick Shagga. Some say he doesn't exist, but the amount of dead first years found bleeding through a hole in the back of their skin-tight leather thongs does create quite an argument...
- 38. Harry Potter and the Happy Hemorrhoid
- Harry has a hemorroid and it has a mind and life of it's own. It sings and talks constantly, it's having a great time making it look like Harry's talking out of his Ass. This of course gets Harry sent to detention.
- 37. Harry Potter and the Hairy Proctologist (sequel to 38)
- Harry's hemorroid enters a story long battle with the school's proctologist. The Asplosions destroy parts of Hogwarts.
- 36. Harry Potter and the Order of the Penis
- There's a new club at Hogwart's and Harry is intrigued. However, he soon regrets his decision after the initiation ceremony begins...
- 35. Harry Potter and the Misplaced Vanishing Cream
- The thing about vanishing cream is that the jar vanishes when the cream is put in, good luck finding it.
- 34. Harry Potter and the Chamber Pot of Secrets
- There's a sercet in that overflowing chamber pot! Does Harry dare to get to the bottom of it? Can he stand the smell?
- 33 1/3. Harry Potter and the Naked Wand 33 1/3.
- The gang help famous Scottland Yard detective Neslie Lielson and his butler J. O. Simpson.
- 33. Harry Potter and the Late Night Visits to Grandma Weasley
- Perfectly innocent, I tells ya! Harry just wanted to... erm... borrow some sugar, okay!
- 32. Harry Potter and the Slytherin Ass
- Slytherin House has gotten a new mascot called the Diabloical Donkey which Harry finds strangely attractive.
- 31. Harry Potter and the Drunken Confession (sequel to 32)
- Harry gets disgusted with himself for his relationship with the Diabolical Donkey. This drives him to drink and confess to Malfoy the donkeys caretaker.
30 - 21
- 30. Harry Potter, the Invisibility Cloak and the Girl's Shower Room
- After Malfoy tells Harry Potter that a bizarre ritual goes on every night in the girl's shower room Harry Potter's curiosity gets the better of him. Donning his invisibility cloak he goes to see what's going on. Unfortunately, that night, it's McGonagall's turn to clean up later forcing Harry to burn his own mental imagery out of his mind permanently using the spell "Cannotunseeiramus".
- 29. Harry Potter and the Crystal Ball of Porn
- Following a prolonged rummaging of Hagrid's little home he stumbles across a slightly stained crystal orb. Later, whilst in bed, e discovers that this crystal ball can create any type of porn he can imagine. Unfortunately Ron eventually stumbles upon it, has a go, disgusting Harry with the un-natural, freaky car-crash of a porn scene that emerges. Soon it's written all over the walls what Ron fantasises about ultimately leading to the series' first suicide by hanging (by the balls).
- 28. Harry Potter and the Hentai Girls
- Fearing the Japanese not liking her Harry Potter series, JK decided to feature some of their tastes in her new book. Harry hits upon a 16 year old schoolgirl in a sailor's school uniform who has disproportional legs and massive eyes. Unfortunately, this long, opten graphically descripted story (reading from right to left, back to front) turns out to be a dream, leading to an embarrassing trip to the Hogwarts dry-cleaners.
- 27. Harry Potter and the 3 Stooges Meet the Wolfman and Dracula
- An attempt at cross-promotion. Unfortunately this title only reached draft stage before the corporate copyright monkey's proverbially shat on her from a great height, so never got written.
- 26. Harry Potter, the Bad and the Ugly
- Harry finds himself in the American southwest dealing with gunslingers. This book featured the quickest death when Ron accidenally shoots himself in the head on page 3.
- 25. Harry Potter and the Mississippi Goddamn
- This was Rowling's only acknowledgment of the Southeastern United States's Bible-thumpin' hatred of the series. Of the opinion that sins are a matter of degrees, she banked on the marketability of deliberately pissing off the Confederacy. This, she hoped, would draw attention away from the witchcraft elements. Never even made it past her agents. Although she did try to write it in the style of William Faulkner.
- 24. Harry Potter Jizzed in His Pants
- The only true bildungsroman of the series. Hermione learned the spell Facio Climactam! Swish and flick.
- 23. Harry Potter and the Successful Operation Valkyrie
- Didn't go after Hitler. He and Ron went after Sonny Liston for knocking out that mule. They got his ass, too. Hermione fucked a hippogriff.
- 22. Harry Potter and the Garage he Had to Clean
- Remarkably, there turned out to be no spell for cleaning a garage. This one was still more entertaining than The Satanic Verses.
- 21. HARRY POTTER AND BRIAN BLESSED GO CUMCHUGGING IN THE HOGWARTS HORSE STABLES!!!!
20 - 11
- 20. Harry Potter and J. K. Rowlings's Leftover Ideas
If Harry Potter hadn't originally been intended as a childrens book, well some of the monsters in it... Phew!! Enough to give your mum a heart attack! And that's saying something!!
- 19. Harry Potter and the Book of Latinate Cusswords
- (excerpt from page 188) "...Fucko Hermionae!!!" Snape's face dropped wide open in a delicious, gaping-eyed grimace of euphoria, and Hermione wormed the double-bladed, ribbed dildo lush to the hilt right up her-
- 18. Harry Potter and the Aladdin Magic Carpet Acid Trip
Harry potter juumped off highest tower on 'magic' carpet. Did not end well. Hermione was not at all impressed by his wierd song.
- 17. Harry Potter and the 790 Pages of Cowboy Buttsex. Prequel to number 4.
- A new kid has come to the school, and is selling this new book called "dick-in-a-mans-butt mountain".Harry soon realsises that it is full of man-porn. (It's man porn?!?! How was I supposed to know that?). But why is the book so popular? And why does Harry's book have yoghurt(?) on all the pages? Whatever happens, it sure is darn tasty yogurt.
- 16. Harry Potter and the Rock Lobster
- This novel would have come with a C.D. by the B-52's with the song Rock Lobster and several previously unreleased songs.
- 15. Harry Potter and the Wetback Border Patrols
- Far and away the most violent of the series.
- 14. Harry Potter and the Clydesdale's Massive Load
- THE RETURN OF BRIAN BLESSED!!!! HAAAHAA AHARRRR HARRRHHH HARHHHH HARGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!
- 13. Harry Potter and the Imploding Testicles
- Ron's testicles, page 339. Fucker had it coming.
- 12. Harry Potter and the Pisspot of Brownsville
- Introduces a new character named "Sheriff L. T. Bell," who strikingly resembles Tommy Lee Jones.
- 11. Harry Potter and That Time He Busted a Nut in Hermione's Hair
- She was not amused. And he couldn't stop laughing.
10 - 1
- 10. Harry Potter and the Jumped Up Frenchman
- Harry is in trouble. Hénry has come to Hogwarts and is proving to be a better 'chosen one' than him only with much more smarm and lip-curling. Can he hold his jealousy back enough to avoid suspicion when his body eventually surfaces down at the lake?
- 9. Harry Potter and the Crystal Meth Explosion
- The death of Sheriff L. T. Bell.
- 8. Harry Potter and the Nine Foot Tall Unicorn He Thought He Saw
- LSD's a hell of a drug, man.
- 7. Harry Potter Gets Laid
- Who could it be? Hermione? Ginny? Ron? Snape? Hedwig? Read the book... if you DARE!!!
- 6. Harry Potter and the Battle of Stalingrad
- Draco Malfoy catches a 20MM anti-tank round through both nuts. Jenny Weasley catches the same bullet through the mouth at the same time.
- 5. Harry Potter and the Torture Chamber of Mistress Sadism
- The deaths of most of the major characters, including the three Weasleys. This was later renamed "Harry potter and the deathly hallows" and released.
- 4. Harry Potter and the Faggoty White Uniform
- Harry is almost lynched after he is seen in uniform which would shame Freddie Mercury. He soon begins a quest to ensure that they go back to manly uniform as soon as possible. But will he succeed before the deadly curse in the uniform turns everyone in the school gay? And why were there never that many straights in the school in the first place? Maybe Dumbledore's entrance test of hand-picking isn't as innocent as it seems.
- 3. Harry Potter and the Resurrection of Strom Thurmond
Colin Creepys brother. Even worse.
- 2. Harry Potter Gets Exspelled from Hogwarts
Harry is up reading on night when he desides to try out a cool new spell that he just found out. He then snuck into snapes room and casts it on him. The next day snape wakes up to find a hug penis on his head and now he gave harry potter a penis on his head too because of that and exspells him. Harry ends up working as a male sex slave for Hagrid because he just needed money that bad because no one wants a "dick head" working for him.
- 1. Harry Potter and the Sorceress Sorority's Ballbusting Gangrape
- Actually a pretty noneventful book and was misleadingly titled to try and flog yet more from this dying cashcow. Although one good highlight was when Ron was caught rifling through McGonagall's underwear draw.