Worst 100 Things To Say In The Workplace

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search
100 April Fools Jokes
99 Colours
98 Creatures to have sex with
97 Firefox extensions
96 Foods
95 Gifts to give a friend
94 Harry Potter Spin-offs
93 Inventions
92 Locations
91 LOL Cats
90 Make Out Songs
89 Moments to get a Boner
88 Moments to Laugh
87 Money Making Schemes
86 Movies
85 Non-existent Words
84 Non-Sexual Things To Do With No Pants On
83 Nutty Conspiracy Theories
82 Overused Star Trek Episode Plots
81 Pick-up lines
80 Pokemon Cash-Ins
79 Porn Stars
78 Quick Detections that an Uncyclopedia page sucks
77 Reasons to become a Christian
76 Reflections on 2005
75 Reflections on 2006
74 Reflections on 2007
73 Reflections on 2008
72 Reflections on 2009
71 Reflections on 2010
70 Reflections on 2011
69 Reflections on 2012
68 Rejected Harry Potter Novels
67 Remakes
66 Restaurants
65 Self Help Books
64 Sequels
63 Sexual Perversions
62 Short Poems
61 Sitcom Catchphrases
60 Songs
59 Songs about Seagulling
58 Songs Referencing Paedophilia
57 Songs To Have Sex To
56 Songs To Play At A Funeral
55 Spinoffs
54 Superheroes
53 Things About the '00s
52 Things Rick Astley is Never Gonna Do
51 Things to do during Christmas
50 Things to Put In An IV
49 Things To Say In Court
48 Things to Say in the Workplace
47 Things to say on a First Date
46 Toys
45 TV Programs
44 Uncyclopedia In-Jokes
43 Video Games of all time‎
42 Video Game Movies
41 Video Game Systems
40 Ways of Being a Dick
39 Ways To Be Castrated
38 Ways to be Circumcized
37 Ways to Deliver Bad News
36 Ways to Die
35 Ways to Exercise
34 Ways to Fight a Crocodile
33 Ways to Fight a Dolphin
32 Ways to Fight a Duck
31 Ways to Fight a Frog
30 Ways to Fight a Jellyfish
29 Ways to Fight a Kangaroo
28 Ways to Fight a Lemur
27 Ways to Fight a Man
26 Ways to Fight a Penguin
25 Ways to Fight a Pirate
24 Ways to Fight a Platypus
23 Ways to Fight a Queen
22 Ways to Fight a Snake
21 Ways to Fight a Turtle
20 Ways to Fight a Vampire
19 Ways to Fight a Werewolf
18 Ways to Fight an African Elephant
17 Ways to Fight an Alligator
16 Ways to Fight an Asian Elephant
15 Ways to Fight an Iguana
14 Ways to Fight an Ox
13 Ways to Fight an Ugly Animal
12 Ways to Get a Boyfriend
11 Ways to Get a Girlfriend
10 Ways to Hack a Computer
9 Ways to Kill Sarah Connor
8 Ways to Start a Novel
7 Ways to Win an Argument
6 Weapons
5 Werewolves
4 Worlds of Fiction
3 Xylophones
2 Yaks
1 Zebras

We're all working, aren't we. I mean this Credit Crunch business is all just a scare tactic to make us all buy Japanese cars, eh!

But we all want to keep those jobs. Desperately! And so here is a list of informative things that you should never say or do whilst at work. Ever. Sometimes.


100. "I haven't been able to finish that report yet, sir. I'm just way too busy at the moment screwing your daughter."

99. "Sorry I'm late, I got my arm stuck in the Cornflakes packet."

98. "You're so cute when you're angry, sir!"

97. (At a hugely important corporate business meeting with the CEO's "And as we can see, our output graph arcs double measuring our total gross net for the last fiscal year. And if I were to draw two small circles... here, and here... they look a lot like breasts. Moving your attention to our future intentions graph, I hope you can see its startling resemblance to a big, hard, throbbing cock full of all cum and semen. Just imagine it, sirs, being ridden by a flow-graph. Just imagine it, eh, eh! C'mon, work with me here!"

96. "Sir, the box of turds you received in the post this morning had NOTHING to do with me!"

95. "Sir, you might want to just destroy that hard drive in my computer instead of reassigning it..."

94. "It's obvious to me, Sir, that if you truly wanted to business to succeed then you would have let me run that illicit porn sideline from my office desk. You're just jealous because I didn't ask you to be in any of them."

93. "If our outgoings are higher than our income, does that mean I'm allowed to fuck you up the ass?"

92. "And I attest, Sir, that the water cooler was laced with piss *before* I turned in for work drunk!"

91. "Suit or nappy, I'll wear whatever the fuck I want to work, Sir!"


90. "Look at this, Sir. It's an A3 sized photograph of my erect penis."

-90.1. "Didn't I tell you to stop messing around with the microscope?"

89. "Just so I'm clear on this, what level of lying am I to use? School Teacher (low), CEO (medium high), Salesman (high to very high) or Lawyer ( can't be measured it's so high) ? It's important for a janitor to know this before starting a new job."

88. "Can I ask you a question? Have you always been a female? I mean I don't mind, I'm open minded, but you were born a man, weren't you?"

87. "Just to be sure, what is it I'm meant to say when your wife calls... that you're NOT having an affair with the secretary?"

86. "I'm sorry I was just busy eating the feces out of the toilet."

85. "Go fuck yourself!"

84. "Excuse me, I was looking at you from acoss the room and I just happened to notice that you make my penis erect."

83. "i just jizzed in my pants."

82. "Wanna trade pants?"(must be said after 83)

81. "We should fuck sometime...Just me, you, and my daughter Janet."


80. "Sir, I had to delete the last 20 years accountancy data on the server to make way for GTA4. Care for a deathmatch multiplayer?"

79. "Fuck you... I preferred working for Charles Manson..."

78. "You know, I think I have a touch of this Swine Flu that's going around..."

77. "I ain't no punk bitch, neither, ya shit pisser! Fuckin cunt dork!"

76. "My favorite word is J-E-S-U-S, because Jesus saved me from my sins, and he saved you, too! You believe in Jesus, don't you? I wish I could be like Jesus, but it's really really hard to be like Jesus, but I'll try really really hard to be like Jesus, and I'm sorry to him that I killed all those kids, but if I pray to him, and pray to God, too, maybe they'll let me take baby steps and stop killing them first, and maybe then I can stop raping them, because I love Jesus and he loves me, too, and he loves you! But he really really loves kids, so I think maybe I did a bad thing, and Jesus will forgive me, because he's Jesus and that's what Jesus does, he loves and forgives, and when you go to Heaven, he gives you hugs and kisses and everyone gets their own slurpy machine."

75. "Oh boy I LOVE to touch children

74. (in the middle of a meeting)"anyone got a condom?"

73. (Scream)(boss's name)"...you son of a bitch!!!" (Proceed to arm wrestle in the air and comment on how much of a wimp he is)

72. (At a meeting with CEO) Hey (Boss' Name), didn't you have something to say about mudering the CEO's family and raping the CEO with your manginia?

71. (To boss) Do animals Masturbate? Perhaps that's the only difference they have from you


70. (In elevator) Did you just hear a cable snap?

69. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly.

68. Email your boss "I know what you did last summer"

67. Park your car in the boss' parking spot. (This works well if you're Asian

66. Make a roof over your cubicle out of old soda cans.

65. Put shaving cream on your boss’s telephone earpiece. Dial the number. When he/she answers, say “Sqwish.”

64. Collect The cubes model figures. Put them in odd positions.

63. Attempt to turn yur cubicle into a missile launching station

62. Attach a sign that says "FAX" to the paper shredder. Sit and watch to see how many people fall for it.

61. Come to work disguised as a Dalek from Dr. Who.


60. Determine how many cups of coffee is “too many.”

59. Sing "Protect and Survive" by Runrig on youtube multiple times. Forward the video to all your coworkers.

58. Remove the wheels from your boss' car.

57. Show your coworkers this page

56. Sorry I'm late; I had to drop my girlfriend off at the animal shelter after I was done screwing that bitch.

55. Damn you got big titties! You gonna let me suck them or what?

54. I brought my gear anyone wanna play Paintball????

53. Forward 2 Girls One Cup to your FEMALE boss. If she enjoys it, write "Gay-ass nigger" on her computer monitor