Worst 100 Things of All Time

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[edit] 20 - 11: The Sixth Anus of Heck

19. Too much bad (or perhaps really good) moonshine

The moonshine in the plastic jugs melted the jugs, but the stuff in the glass containers made the trip OK. After drinking too much of it I knew what those plastic jugs must have felt. My mantra for the following 3 or 4 days was "please kill me".

18. The fat Roseann Barr/Arnold and fat Oprah lesbian porno movie

Burning my eyes out helped alittle, massive quantities of drink help alittle, massive quantites of drugs help some but I still rember too much, what can I do? GOD help me!

17. A dull nose hair trimmer

It grabs and pulls all your nose hairs out instead of cutting them. Once inserted the hairs are grabbed and there's no way out.

[edit] 10 - 1: The Seventh Anus of Hell

10. The Pube Grab

You attempt to reach down and pull your underwear up, but instead accidentally grab your pubes and tear all of them off.

9. Pay Toilet Follies

When you are in a pay-toilet and you're wiping after taking a colossal shit, someone opens the door. They see your shit-caked anus and the twelve-inch chocolate hotdog hanging from it. Immediately you slam the door and commit hara-kiri with a dildo.

8. Babysitting

This one time, I had to babysit a four-year-old kid who had epilepsy. I also had to go to a Pantera concert that night, so I took him to it to save time. Turns out that Dimebag got shot onstage and the kid got mentally scarred for life after Dimebag's medulla sloshed against his forehead. Last time I heard, he was a heroin addict living in a shack up in the Rocky Mountains. Psh. Kids these days.

7. 1980s Movie-themed S&M Roleplay

For some reason, hearing a girl in leather scream, "No more wire hangers, EVER!" just isn't sexy.

6. Death by Novoselic

When Krist Novoselic (who doesn't exist, by the way) comes up to you and sticks a candy cane in your nostril and lectures you until you bleed out of your ears and die. This causes more deaths every year than AIDS, cancer, and death combined.

5. Getting nuked

So there I was, just walking to school one day in Hiroshima, when all of the sudden I get nuked! Plus I was having my period, and the shadow of my menstrual blood got burned into the wall. Now whenever tourists go visit the remains of my town, they see my period blood and laugh until they explode. Not cool. I'm going to go rant about this on my MySpace. =(.

4. Having sex with Napoleon Dynamite.

It's not worth it. Seriously.

3. Trisexuality

It's a lifestyle choice A COOL NEW TOY FROM MCDONALD'S!!!]

2. Euroipods

I had to suck so much cock. They didn't even work. All it did was rape my face and my dog and it told me "Go eat shit, fucker", which hurt my feelings. =(. So I told my preschool teacher and she gave my Euroipod a time out. =).

1. Utilitarianism

FUCK YOU BENTHAM FOR ALL THE SUFFERING WROUGHT FOR THE SAKE OF CODDLING THE MEDIOCRE SWINE AT THE EXPENSE OF THEIR BETTERS

[edit] Honorable Mention

• Bodhitharta
• Hotel Vladivostok Live
• Mike Kenworthy
• Minotaur Balloons
• Music rating system
• Neorecycliceasonableauantum
• Odyssey of the Mind
• Racecar Bed Racing
• Radio control
• Random Sort Method
• Rasta-nomads
• Red Eye headbutt
• Red panda
• Redwall
• Reverb factory
• Reverse Light
• Right-left convergence
• Right of way
• Rislim Remix
• Robotech
• Ross
• Rost