Worst 100 Things to Stick your Dick in

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According to God's True Word, the following are the Worst 100 Things to Stick your Dick in. Readers are required to have their sporks to hand.

Contents 1 101-91 2 90-81 3 80-71 4 70-61 5 60-51 6 50-41 7 40-31 8 30-21 9 20-11 10 10-1

[edit] 101-91

101. My Ex-Girlfriend

"Trust me just dont"

100. Hoju (paul cartwright)

"He would just bite it right off"

99. Beetroot

"What a stain that would leave"

98. Your own ass

"That's just wrong"

97. Your own peehole

Though it presents an interesting logical conundrum

96. Vanilla Coke

"It burns"

95. Carboard tube

"Paper cuts there hurt ten times as much."

94. That goatse guy

Even though it would easily fit.

93. An Electrical Socket

This proves that not all female ends are suitible for fucking.

92. A garbage disposal.

91. That old woman next door

[edit] 90-81

90. A floppy disk drive

I don't care how floppy your 3 1/2 inch "disk" is, it DOES NOT belong in there.

89. Wikipedia

type with your hands, dumbass!

88. Britney Spears' Make-up Kit

she touched her face, then the make-up; the make-up touched the case; Now where has her face been?

87. Uncyclopedia

well, you wouldn't be the first

86. A Mouse Hole

It's cats that go after mice, not chicken.

85. Mother Teresa

Necrophilia is generally considered to be a no-no.

84. Chinese Finger Trap

But, if you do, trying to get it out only makes it worse.

83. Potato soup

well, last time I did it, I left the soup out. Then my grandma got hungry...

82. Venetian blinds

81. A Denny's employee's steak

"waiter, I'd like it well-done, if you know what I mean!."

[edit] 80-71

80. A CD burner

though it would be nice to be able to play "Cum Fly with Me" in the shower.

79. A flaming melon

You've seen it all too often on America's Funniest Home Videos.

78. Vending Machines

Wrong type of Slit.

77. Lukewarm Hawaiian Punch

trust me, it stains badly.

76. The Batmobile's exhaust pipe

75. 40 cakes

That's as many as four tens. And that's terrible.

74.

73. A record player

"It's called latex, not vinyl."

72. Your Own Mouth

You'll either snap your neck or develop a bad k-ink in your back. Or you could even snap your dick in two. This is actually a great idea. Do it now.

71. Oscar Wilde

He won't give it back. What a prick.

[edit] 70-61

70. A vacuum

There are better ways to clean it.

69. A Barbeque

Not that hot-dog, stupid!

68. A Fireplace

Although it would make a fast and easy marshmellow roasting stick.

67. A white dwarf

That's a star, genius. while we're at it don't stick you dick in the sun. Don't go the way of the dildo..

66. The Magician's Nephew

Aslan does not approve of it.

65. Sausage Grinder

It's not meant for that kind of sausage. Unless you are a cow.

64. Windows XP

instability? spyware? worms? viruses? TROJANS?

63. Microsoft Powerpoint

too many templates...you never know who used them last.

62. Those red-velvet ropes

They would give you rug burns on your thing. Now woudn't that be embarassing!

61. Category-6 LAN terminators

it's just too confusing with two configurations. You just don't know -- which one to put it in!

[edit] 60-51

60. An audio cassette player

Have you seen what they can do to tapes?

59. Elephant Ears

The white stuff powdered sugar gets everywhere.

58. That cartridge slot in your Super Nintendo Entertainment System

I know those systems are a lot of fun, but for God's sake try to show some dignity!

57. Anyone who knows what #58 is

they're up to no good.

56. Your car's ignition

It's impossible to buckle your seat belt in this position.

55. Lycos

Your piece won't be the only thing popping up.

54.

53. A Food Processor

Anyone up for some rocky mountain oysters?

52. A chocolate donut

Ruins the taste.

51. A Treasure Chest

Wrong kind of Booty.

[edit] 50-41

50. Knife rack slots

one slip...

49. A Keyhole

"Hold on honey I'm just going to open the door."

48. Swiss Cheese

47. A Cigar Cutter

A little bit more than off the top.

46. The Green Glass Door

45. Up a faucet

I think I hit the g-spot!

44. The spout of a teapot

What type of tea would you prefer? Would you like mint, camomile, Earl Gray or OH MY GOD SOMEBODY'S PUTTING THEIR DICK UP THE TEA SPOUT!!!

43. Car Exhaust

Excluding the position you would have to get into, and the size you would need to be, this is just a really really bad idea.

42.

41. The Village Dump

"If you use the VD you're sleeping with everyone else who's used it" -Splaka

[edit] 40-31

40. A Grue

Zork	Score: 0	Moves: 0
look There is a Grue insert(dick; grue); Your dick has been eaten by a grue. Start Over

39. Custard

Yes, it is made with milk and eggs, but it's not the kind of milk that you're thinking of, or eggs.

38. Particle accelerators

But hey, look on the bright side! At least you will have a very electric personality!

37. Brass instruments

You're two letters off, bud.

36. A bucket full of KFC's eleven herbs and spices chicken

The herbs feel fine but the spices will leave you in a whole lotta pain for weeks.

35. A can opener

I just came over here to open a can of "Cunt's Tomato Soup" and this is what I get!?

34. A Manual Juicer

Slightly less painfull than #33... slightly.

33. An Automatic Juicer

Home-made Pimp Juice... yummy.

32. Pocket Protectors

31. A Guillotine

Be safe, wear protection, use a titanium condom.

[edit] 30-21

30. A Taco

If it's pink, its fine

29. Glasses

unless you have express consent from the party wearing said glasses.

28. A Lion

JESUS CHRIST IT'S A LION! GET IN THE CAR!

27. Pita

or PETA, since neither agrees with wieners.

26. Euroipods

25. Porridge

There's too much cream involved.

24. Joints

they "canoe" too much this way.

23. David Fan

He might not notice. But if he does, get the tissues ready.

22. Your fresh graffitti

and you thought it was bad getting caught red handed!

21. Hummingbird feeders

They're circling in for the kill

[edit] 20-11

20. Happy

A tried and true method of making you just the opposite.

19. Printer paper trays

when it starts to feed...

18. Crimethink

Minitrue will mark you doubleplusungood, and you don't need a reputation like that.

17. Standard Deviations

Because if you do more than three statistically it can reasonably be assumed that you have no dick.

16. Carpet rolls

I've just seen one too many cartoons in which some animal crawls into one.

15. A bong

you can either suck to clear the chamber or suck to clear your "head", but don't mix the two.

14. Your Toaster Oven

Lets recap, Pussy = Warm, Pie = Warm, Toaster Oven = Warm, but only the latter one will burn you.

13. Broadway

If you Rent it there, some Greasy character named Sweeny Todd may try to play Hot Feet.

12. Fax Machines

unlike Star Trek's transporters, fax machines don't reassemble the torn-apart particles of whatever was in it.

11. Olmec art

neither in nor near. It's not friendly looking...

[edit] 10-1

10. A Cup

if the size is less than C, chances are that it's statutory.

9. The VCR

I'll be fucked if those tape heads will ever be clean again.

8. A Jet Engine

7. if you got to, YOUR OWN HANDS

wash 'em! wash 'em you dirty, dirty nerd!

6. Britney Spears

Her make up was bad enough

5. A deep fryer

"Extra crispy, please!"

4. An automatic Pencil Sharpener

Only dull people do this.

3. Dr. Deborah Frison

she will bite it off

2. Liquid Nitrogen

Get a hammer and you can give yourself cheap castration.