Worst 100 Things to Stick your Dick in

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6 Weapons
5 Werewolves
4 Worlds of Fiction
3 Xylophones
2 Yaks
1 Zebras

The following are the Worst 101 Things to Stick your Dick in.


101. Oprah 
She is mine, beeatch!
100. Jesus' foreskin
They'll be making "in-jokes" about you for months.
99. Beetroot
"What a stain that would leave"
98. Your own ass, if you can reach it
97. Your own peehole
Though it presents an interesting logical conundrum
96. Vanilla Coke
"It burns"
95. Cardboard tube
"Paper cuts there hurt ten times as much."
94. That goatse guy
Even though it would easily fit.
93. An Electrical Socket
This proves that not all female ends are suitable for fucking.
92. An electric fan while it's turned on
When the **** hits the fan....
91. Jerry Sandusky
This time hes the receiving end.


90. A floppy disk drive
I don't care how floppy your 3 1/2 inch "disk" is, it DOES NOT belong in there.
89. Wikipedia
type with your hands, dumbass!
88. Britney Spears' Make-up Kit
she touched her face, then the make-up; the make-up touched the case; Now where has her face been?
87. Uncyclopedia
well, you wouldn't be the first
86. A Mouse Hole
It's cats that go after mice, not chicken.
85. Mother Teresa
Necrophilia is generally considered to be a no-no.
84. Chinese Finger Trap
But, if you do, trying to get it out only makes it worse.
83. Potato soup
well, last time I did it, I left the soup out. Then my grandma got hungry...
82. Venetian blinds
81. A Denny's employee's steak
"waiter, I'd like it well-done, if you know what I mean!."


80. A CD burner
though it would be nice to be able to play "Cum Fly with Me" in the shower
79. A flaming melon
You've seen it all too often on America's Funniest Home Videos.
78. Vending Machines
Wrong type of Slit.
77. Lukewarm Hawaiian Punch
trust me, it stains badly.
76. A tube with a lit firework in it
Talk about going out with a bang...
75. A elephant
Unless you have a fetish for being trampled.
74. Canoe rind.jpg
73. A record player
"It's called latex, not vinyl."
72. Your Own Mouth
You'll either snap your neck or develop a bad k-ink in your back. Or you could even snap your dick in two. This is actually a great idea. Do it now.
71. Oscar Wilde
He won't give it back. What a prick.


70. A vacuum
There are better ways to clean it.
69. A Barbeque
Not that hot-dog, stupid!
68. A Fireplace
Although it would make a fast and easy marshmallow roasting stick.
67. A white dwarf
That's a star, genius. while we're at it don't stick you dick in the sun. Don't go the way of the dildo.
66. The sun.
Fucking dumbass...
65. Sausage Grinder
It's not meant for that kind of sausage. Unless you are a cow.
64. Microsoft Windows
instability? spyware? worms? viruses? TROJANS? You do realize we can't reformat that, right?
63. Microsoft PowerPoint
too many templates...you never know who used them last.
62. Those red-velvet ropes
They would give you rug burns on your thing. Now wouldn't that be embarrassing!
61. Category-6 LAN terminators
it's just too confusing with two configurations. You just don't know -- which one to put it in!


60. An audio cassette player
Have you seen what they can do to tapes?
59. Elephant Ears
The white stuff powdered sugar gets everywhere.
58. That cartridge slot in your Super Nintendo Entertainment System
I know those systems are a lot of fun, but for God's sake try to show some dignity!
57. Anyone who knows what #58 is
they're up to no good.
56. Your car's ignition
It's impossible to buckle your seat belt in this position.
55. Lycos
Your piece won't be the only thing popping up.
54. Dutch.gif
53. A Food Processor
Anyone up for some rocky mountain oysters?
52. A chocolate donut
Ruins the taste.
51.5. A Treasure Chest
Wrong kind of Booty.
51. Your dad
Not as fun as it sounds...


50. Knife rack slots
one slip...
49. A Keyhole
"Hold on honey I'm just going to open the door."
48. Acid
"No bones?"
47. A Cigar Cutter
That is not what we meant by Automatic Circumciser...
46. The Green Glass Door
45. Up a faucet
I think I hit the g-spot!
44. The spout of a teapot
What type of tea would you prefer? Would you like mint, chamomile, Earl Gray or OH MY GOD SOMEBODY'S PUTTING THEIR DICK UP THE TEA SPOUT!!!
43. Car Exhaust
Excluding the position you would have to get into, and the size you would need to be, this is just a really really bad idea.
42. Potato peeler.jpg
41. The Village Dump
"If you use the VD you're sleeping with everyone else who's used it" -Splaka


 40. A Grue: Score: 0 Moves: 0


There is a Grue in the corner.

>insert(dick; grue);

***Your dick has been eaten by a grue.***

Oh, and the Grue ate the rest of you as well.

>Start Over

39. Custard
Yes, it is made with milk and eggs, but it's not the kind of milk that you're thinking of, or eggs.
38. Particle accelerators
But hey, look on the bright side! At least you will have a very electric personality! And a charred penis on fire.
37. Brass instruments
You're two letters off, bud.
36. A bucket full of KFC's eleven herbs and spices chicken
The herbs feel fine but the spices will leave you in a whole lotta pain for weeks.
35. A can opener
I just came over here to open a can of "Cunt's Tomato Soup" and this is what I get!?
34. A Manual Juicer
Slightly less painful than #33... slightly.
33. An Automatic Juicer
Home-made Pimp Juice... yummy.
32. Pocket Protectors
Linux Antivirus.gif
31. A Guillotine
Be safe, wear protection, use a titanium condom.


30. A Taco
If it's pink, its fine
29. Glasses
unless you have express consent from the party wearing said glasses.
28. A Lion
27. Pita
or PETA, since neither agrees with wieners.
it's just too easy to ruin the papers
26. Euroipods
25. Porridge
There's too much cream involved.
24. Joints
they "canoe" too much this way.
23. David Fan
He might not notice. But if he does, get the tissues ready.
22. Your fresh graffiti
and you thought it was bad getting caught red handed!
21. Hummingbird feeders
They're circling in for the kill


No self-respecting archaeologist would be caught dead with a whore-were-jaguar.
20. An animal. Unless you're into bestiality.
19. Printer paper trays
when it starts to feed...
18. Crimethink
Minitrue will mark you doubleplusungood, and you don't need a reputation like that.
17. Standard Deviations
Because if you do more than three statistically it can reasonably be assumed that you have no dick.
16. Carpet rolls
I've just seen one too many cartoons in which some animal crawls into one.
15. A bong
you can either suck to clear the chamber or suck to clear your "head", but don't mix the two.
14. Your Toaster Oven
Lets recap, Pussy = Warm, Pie = Warm, Toaster Oven = Warm, but only the latter one will burn you.
13. Broadway
If you Rent it there, some Greasy character named Sweeny Todd may try to play Hot Feet.
12. Fax Machines
unlike Star Trek's transporters, fax machines don't reassemble the torn-apart particles of whatever was in it.
11. Olmec art
neither in nor near. It's not friendly looking...


10. A Cup
if the size is less than C, chances are that it's statutory.
9. The VCR
I'll be fucked if those tape heads will ever be clean again.
8. A bottle of oil
Weenie in a Bottle
7. If you got to, YOUR OWN HANDS
wash 'em! wash 'em you dirty, dirty nerd!
6. Britney Spears
Her make up was bad enough
5. A deep fryer
"Extra crispy, please!"
4. An automatic Pencil Sharpener
Only dull people do this. Rimshot.gif
3. Sarah Palin
Her running mate is bad enough.
2. Liquid Nitrogen
Get a hammer and give yourself a cheap castration. And you know, once you go the liquid nitrogen route you won't be sticking your dick in anything else.
1. An anthill
Ants will eat almost anything. And they bite.
0. Your Brothers anus when hes asleep. Get him drunk or slip something in his drink. Ok you'll go to hell or he'll wake up and enjoy it. But Im not you am I?
Don't stick your dick into Muhammed (or at least tell anyone about it.) Muslims get very pissed when they miss their chance at sloppy seconds.