Worst 100 Ways To Be Castrated
You spill Thiotimoline in your lap and it dissolves just before it hits your sweaty underwear. Unfortunately, there was some hydrochloric acid mixed in along with it so it spills right across your Pen0r.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and they bite off your balls and the infection spreads...slowly...starting from where your balls used to be.
80. By Syringe
You know when the doctors at your appointments tell you it'll just be a LITTLE shot? This one won't feel like it.
79. Jehovah's Witless
"We're are here today to talk to you about - My dear Lord, it's a tiny demon. Quick Brother Gabriel, your hunting knife!"
78. Chocolate Sauce
You decide to go a little more adventurous in your love life, and you have your new partner strap you to the bed and pour chocolate topping on you and lick in off. At least that was the plan. What she neglected to mention is that she is lactose intolerant, and so decides to replace the chocolate topping with hot caramel.
77. Who Wants To Be A Stud?
You decide to take part in a new game show called "Who wants to be a stud." It's described to you as a cross between Big Brother, Who Wants to be a Millionaire, and the Dating Game. You find out that the winner gets to date Jenna Jameson, so you give it a shot. Once the show starts you realise the loser get their manhood eliminated, and the topic that you have to answer questions on is "The usage of root finding algorithms in Pre World War One Russian Genetic experimentation."
As a young man you show a magnificent ability to sing Opera and your parents, having no other reasonable sources of income, decide to maintain your lovely high registers permanently.
75. With a Dirty Knife
Just wouldn't be the same with a clean one.
74. By Castrifying/Castrification
Yeah, you've never heard of it, but think of upside-down crucifixion combined with the intent to castrate, and you've got the idea.
73. Chewed up and swallowed by Megan Fox
Maybe they taste good?
72. Chewed up and not swallowed by Megan Fox
....or maybe they don't. Either way, your balls (and your dignity) are gone.
71. Botched Sex Game
Nothing quite like trying to impress your significant other only to find that they weren't impressed.
70. For Guitarists - The High "e" String
Ever heard of piano wire in context of cutting off heads? Same concept. (Wink, wink!)
69. With a cannibal
Just re-read that title again. Got it? Good!
68. In Your Sleep, By Any Method
You dream you're walking through a forest, and you step across a fence of barbed wire. You feel light as a bird from then until you wake up. And then you really feel light.
Tripping and having your genitals land in a toaster. Golden Brown or Dark?
66. Clickety click
65. Mrs. Wiffle Giggles
The 58 year-old, gray-haired widow of a Kansas lumber miller chloroforms you in an 1880s-era dry goods store and you wake up in her horse barn, staked naked to the ground. She proceeds to cackle maniacally and pulverize your balls with a wiffle bat, which requires 6 hours non-stop of overhead swinging. And on top of all that, the only horse you can see has gargantuan balls, and he keeps whinnying at you.
Your wife gets fed up with you not helping out with the chores around the house, so she bonks you on the head with a rolling pin when you come home, and when you wake up, she's wearing a 1950s bobby-socks outfit, replete with Jacqueline Kennedy hair-style, and you're strapped across the kitchen table. She didn't even undress you. Just hiked your pants down. She doesn't bash your balls with the rolling pin. She ROLLS them, like dough.
63. Get Thee to a Nunnery
Remember Sister Mary Francis from Shady Meadow Parish? You were apple-cheeked, 12 years old, and quite the rambunctious scamp. She caught you dipping Susie O'Shannon's pigtails in your ink bottle, but you cited the famous Beatitude, "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall be shown mercy." She relented, and didn't remember until now that that's not even a fucking Beatitude. Well Jesus forgives. Sister Mary Francis don't. She's 61 years old. You're 33. Time to be crucified. Jesus took his nails through the wrists and feet. Guess where you take yours.
Turns out, crucifixion isn't all that efficient for the purposes of castration. Sister Mary Francis left you to suffer, but then got paranoid that you might have gotten away. You did. Nice job pulling those nails out with your teeth. Hope you can run with severe agony pumping out of your balls. Because Susie O'Shannon's heard the Call of the Wild. "Blessed are the good-looking, for they shall look good." But she tackles you and rips them apart with her fingernails. Sound like peaches, don't they?
The Catholic Church in it's attempt to reduce the amount of sex with children by the clergy is now taking all new priests in the Seminary to the alter and making them place their manhood within the open pages of the Church Bible. This is then slammed shut, flattening the manhood and the first step in creating the leather with which they are now binding church bibles. This is seen as killing two birds with one stone.
And seriously, why do they call it a seminary? Are they asking for trouble?
60. Ezekiel 25:17
Yea, howbeit the previous entry be the funniest jest in the history of jesthood, nevertheless is it a sin that thou shouldst laugh at it, and the Almighty God in his omnipotent wrath hath proclaimed, proclaiming, "Thou hast strayed from thy people Israel. And Behold! I shall smite thee with mighty lightning smitings right in thy mangoes! And thou shalt know that this day the Lord hath delivered thee into the Lord's righteous hand! When I smite my vengeance upon thee!" Proclaimeth He! A lightning bolt right in the balls. Exquisitely agonizing, and the lightning actually strikes your right testicle and travels THROUGH it and strikes the left, then travels THROUGH it, and bursts out the left side of your sack.
59. Matthew 18:8 - 8a
"Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire. And if thy rod causes thee to stumble, cut it off and cast it into the abyss: for I say unto thee, it is better to squat on Earth then pisseth on the lakes of fire."
58. By a Rabbi with hiccups
Suddenly being a Catholic doesn't seem so bad.
57. Drunk Zipper
When you've just had one or two more than you should have, needed to spend a penny, and zipped up before putting it away.
56. The 2 bricks and a piece of string method
Get a piece of string as long as the victim is tall. Tie a brick to either end. Hold the string taught around shoulder height of the victim behind the neck. Pull it forward slightly to have both bricks in front of the body where they will swing down simultaneously and collide at a pre-determined position. Watch the victims face as the bricks are released.
55. With a Cannibal
Re-read the title of this one.
54. Eaten by a supermodel
No worse than a few of the other ones mentioned here, but the horrible irony is that you know that she'll just throw it up again in a few minutes anyway.
53. Seducing the virgin
Very difficult. Definitely done by an angry yet sexy femme fatale, who seduces a young man into her bed. Getting him aroused and letting him know that it will be the best lay of his life, and as soon as the sail is hoisted - snip! The physical pain is also accompanied by the mental anguish of knowing that he's now going to die a virgin.
Of course the difficulty is in the timing. One second too late and - now I'm going to have to clean that blouse.
52. From Reading This Article
If by now you've read this and haven't cut your own off, Uncyclopedia salutes you. Keep going...
51. With a Nail gun
Because how many nails would it take before it's severed?
50. Replacing the blown fuse in your pickup with a bullet so you can get back to driving and five minutes later the bullet has heated up enough to discharge and goes straight into your wedding tackle.
Based upon a true story. Would Uncyclopedia lie to you?
Being thrown out of a window but having aspects of your personality being held behind.
48. Sandwich maker
By having your soul placed between the two folding halves of a sandwich maker/toaster. Especially nasty if it is a novelty one that places a pattern on the toast.
47. By Public Auction
Having the right to have your tackle taken off sold to the highest bidder by auction as you are strapped to the auction block.
46. Cut off by a jealous spouse
You're doing the deed with Mrs Milf from number 23 when her husband comes in and sees you in bed with her and he happens to have his Swiss army knife handy.
45. Cut by broken glass
Somehow you manage to get away from Mrs Milf's husband and stark naked you jump through the plate glass window to have a sheet of jagged glass cut through 1% of your body.
44. Caught in a car door closing
Okay, so you've managed to escape from the bedroom and not managed to damage yourself in the process, but as you try and get into your car you slam your body weight into the car door and catch your local Members of Parliament in the door.
43. Jealous spouse redux
So you get out of the bed, out of the bedroom, and into the car, out of the driveway, and get home, and you think that you've managed to get away with it all, but then you get home and Mrs <insert name here> is cutting vegetables, wants to know why you have come home in the middle of the day with no clothes on, and you just aren't quite quick enough to come up with an excuse.
42. Dating a Goth chick
Because up until this point you thought that the labia rings were really sexy. This may or not be based upon a true story.
What would you have to be doing to yourself to end up with Gangrene of the penis? Okay, maybe it's not technically castration, but end result is always the same.
Falling over on the treadmill that is moving just a touch to fast for you and landing with part of you between the belt and the side of the machine, so that it's not just cut, but it's worn away by the friction.
39. Gymnasium II
Standing to close to the weight machine and the steroid addled freak drops 160 kilo of weight down and it lands directly on top of your nads.
38. Gymnasium III
Falling into the bikes in the cycle room and getting yourself stuck between the spokes. Whoever told you going to the gym was good for you was wrong.
37. Gymnasium IV
Having worked out the perils of going to the Gymnasium you've decided to take steroids in order to get into the Charles Atlas way. Unfortunately you missed the class at school where they warned you about steroids abuse, and your testes shrivel into the size of peas. To add insult to injury, your body rejects them thinking that they're kidney stones and forces you to pass them.
36. Stolen ideas
35. King Kong Gone Wrong
You attempt to commit suicide by jumping off the Empire State Building. You figure, "Hey, I'm sick of it all. Might as well have one last thrill ride to hell." Unfortunately, you chose the one day out of the year on which New York City celebrates "International Horizontal Steel Bar Day." It's not easy to change positions in mid-freefall.
34. From Playing World of Warcraft Too Long
Yup, they just fall off if they don't get used.
33. From Playing World of Whorecraft Too Long
Yup, they just fall off if they get used too much.
having them cut off by a Grueologist in the back of his window-less van and having them made into window chimes.
31. Stanley knife accident
There you are opening a box standing side on with a Stanley knife... need I say more
30. Refused marraige proposal
Check it out in full here
29. Annoying Darth Vader
Just be glad it didn't happen to Luke Skywalker. "Luke, I am your father, and I'm going to ensure that I never have to babysit."
28. Sliding down a firemans pole
Of course we've all seen that classic scene from the movies of the fireman (or the Ghostbusters) jumping onto the pole and sliding down to their waiting vehicles. However nobody ever stops to think about what would happen if the firemen (or Batman) forgot to grease up the pole regularly. The surface would become rusty and pitted, and would act somewhat like sandpaper. Now imagine your poor fireman (or Commander Keen) having to rush to the pole in a hurry and not having time to put himself away.
27. Underpants Troll
If you don't remember to check your pants before you put them on, SNAP. If you do take the time to check your pants before you put them on, SNAP.
26. Dogs Running Loose In A Dogpark
Dogs should be spayed or neutered, because it'll make them less aggressive. Note that I just said LESS aggressive, not completely unaggressive. Keep your animals on a leash!
25. New puppy
You wake up in the morning on the weekend due to your new puppy barking, and you're wearing nothing but a dressing gown, and you sit down to watch the TV, and your new and playful puppy, who hasn't quite learnt yet not to bite, becomes fascinated by this thing dangling between your legs, and in true puppy fashion decides to take a bite. This may or may not be based on a true story.
24. Power Sander
You're using a bench-top belt sander to get a fine point to the end of some sharpened stakes for the purposes of home defence, and to really get the point you put your body weight behind it. You fall forward and then RIP TEAR SHRED ARGH!
And whenever you hear that scream, somewhere a shop teacher is born.
23. Socialist Russia
In Socialist Russia you don't get castrated, castration gets YOU!
22. Chuck Norris
21. Caught in the fridge door
Late night snack, can't find what you're after, close the fridge door and POP!
20. Mommy's Revenge
Running with scissors. Did you know Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors? And katana blades. And the secret of the ooze. If she'd told you once she'd told you a thousand times. (And it was all fun and games until someone lost a testicle.)
19. Meat balls with Black Bean sauce
You know how you forgot to tip your waiter when you last went for Yum Cha. Well, it appears that he is a direct descendant of Genghis Khan and has a black belt in 4 different martial arts and has recently been expelled from Chef's college due to "artistic differences" that involve the use of animal parts so fresh the animal hasn't even realised that they're gone yet. Next time you go in there, he has a surprise for you, involving 4 Sai, a cheese grater, an extremely hot wok, and egg noodles and Black bean sauce. "Number 19, Meatballs with black bean sauce is ready."
Late at night and reaching for your favourite masturbatory aid, and only once the switch is flicked do you realise that you've grabbed your flashlight by mistake. ZAP!
17. In a lens grinder
The perfect way to make a spectacle of yourself. (Thank you, folks. I'll be here all week.)
16. The Chrysippus
You laugh so hard for 3 solid hours at number 17 on this list, that you hernia your balls into a Gordian knot, whereupon they strangle and die. Forgot to do your leg lifts, first. (Look up Chrysippus on Wikipedia, if you must.)
15. The Aeschylus
You're lying back after having laughed so hard at number 16, and an eagle comes along and rips off your stones before dropping them on your head. (Don't look this up on Wikipedia - their article is very likely apocryphal.)
After a long night where you've managed to inebriate yourself beyond the realms of sensibility, you decide it would be an hysterical thing to light a fart. Of course this doesn't take into consideration that earlier in the night you managed to pour brandy into your lap. This was definitely based on a true story! (Okay, so this would have been painful, but damn it was funny to watch.)
13. Lucky for some.
You do well on betting on the cock fighting for a while and then your luck turns. You know you can can turn this around and so you borrow a little from Don Curlioni to place on Number 13, Tiny Dancer, as you know it's a sure thing. Tiny Dancer goes into the ring and immediately gets it's neck broken by Number 12, Hairy Squatter. The Don is less then happy when you can't pay up, and chooses to take your Tiny Dancer as payment.
12. Safari (aka The lion sleeps tonight)
And for all those of you who have read this list through until this point, I refer you back to number 52
10. Kung Fu style
Three days prior to the completion of the film "Stretch", David Carradine, best known for his role as the boy who took the stones of the old guy in "Kung Fu" TV show, Was found dead in the closet of his hotel room. He was in the closet with a rope around his neck and another part of the rope around his penis. For more information on his untimely demise, click here. Bangkok police believe that his death may be linked to an attempt of auto erotic asphyxiation.
Editors note: Wherever possible on this list we have attempted to remain true to reports of Castration, and this is one that was just way to good to pass up. I'm sorry if you're offended, but this is damned funny. His kung fu was not strong!
9. Chemical Castration
This is done to convicted sex offenders in a number of countries and is spreading. According to the "experts" at wiki, "As with the majority of prescription medications, the use of Depo-Provera can cause several side effects including weight gain, fatigue, malaise, hypertension, mild depression, hypoglycemia and rare changes in liver enzymes." There is no truth to the rumour that Meatloaf has been chemically castrated.
8. Little Bo Peep
Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep,
And doesn't know where to find them
Leave them alone and they will come home,
Leaving their 'nads behind them.
Just imagine being a sheep for a moment. Firstly you lose your tackle by having a rubber ring slowly constricting around your manhood and cutting off the circulation until they drop off, and then someone cut's strips out of your backside. (Docking and Mulesing - life on the farm is great)
7. Watching the extended directors cut of Titanic
Anything to relieve the mind numbing and excruciating pain of this film. Has anyone managed to kill Quindon Tarver yet?
“What is this, a dagger floating before me, it's blade pointed at my - Oh dear God no! I have them not, and yet I feel them still!”
For the horrible crime of being of a darker skin tone then paint color "#214 Curdled milk", you are dragged from the car and beaten with batons repeatedly in the scrotum, until the remains of your testes are lodged in your throat.
4. Vandalising Uncyclopedia pages
You have been warned!
10: Print-string "A" 20: Goto Line 10
A special favourite of those in Australia. Going to the outhouse in the dark of the night and neglecting to check the toilet seat prior to sitting down, and getting bitten by a Redback or a Funnelweb (or Fiddleback spiders for the Americas). For those who want to know why, check out necrotising arachnidism.
2. Vengeful Wife
When your beloved spouse comes home and discovers that rather than doing all the chores that you said you would do on your time off work, you've instead spent the better part of the last few days trying to think of the worst 100 ways to be castrated. (I'll let you know how it feels tomorrow. Maybe.)
1. Tea-Bag a beartrap...
Imagin how horrendously painful that would be... NO BALLS, how would you get that shit out?
1.A Divine intervention
For laughing at number 79, 63, 62, 61, 60, 59, and 58, The God of Catholics, Iehovah, and numerous other religions chooses to smite thee with righteous fire. (Seriously, I think it's time to convert to Buddhism.)