Xbox

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“There wasn't a single bit of porn on that damn thing!”

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Xbox.

“In Soviet Russia, Xbox gets addicted to You!”

~ Russian Reversal on Xbox addiction

“I don't know what the hell I was thinking...”

“X...box?”

~ God
The average Xbox, contained in a box-shaped black hole to allow it to be transported. The actual system weighs about pounds, approximately 500 times the mass of the sun.

Xbox 360 (derived from Greek Latin from X meaning pointless or softcore, and box meaning box) is Microsoft's second attempt at a gaming console as the name suggests it is the exact same as the Xbox but it's went around in a circle and done nothing at all. The Xbox's most original feature that all owners get for free is the RRoD (Red Ring of Death not Running Round on Debris) despite meaning the console has died many 360 owners admire their RRoD and look at it enchanted by the mystical colour and perhaps having competitions to see whom can look at the light longest before the LED's run out thus meaning the 360 owners can brag about who had the longest RRoD. 360 owners can also compete as to who can get a RRoD fastest by covering the fans or just be trying to use it.

The first person to think of the idea of a Xbox 360 actually died - quite rightly - from sudden brain cancer, but not before writing his inteminable idea down this idea was then stolen by the world renowned pig fondeler Bill Gates, also known for creating a "foundation" to "help" people in third world countries who cant afford 360's to give them more money so they can afford 360's so then the money comes back to him in the end anyway the 360's epic fail has been tried to be copied by Microsoft's arch-rival Sony (aka The Bloods and The Crips) Sony, created a monster of science, the laws of relativity, technology and a mystical (mythical) artifact known as the blue ray drive (BRD) in an attempt to copy the 360's wildly popular Red Ring of Death. Though ps3 does give some very convincing guarantees (built in Pez-dispenser, hentai screensaver device that will reduce your brain to molten sludge) it also had a price averaging $50434.9405 for the cheapest model. Sony soon declared bankruptcy upon MS. Microshaft's Xbox 360 soon followed this trend because the console wars are really, really, really, really, stupid to fight over, which is why PS360 owners believe they are winning.


Xbox 360 facts[edit]

The powerful XBOX 360 is capable of millions of calculations, including the ability to count to four for example.

To date, the Xbox has the most cheapest system of money making than any other system:

  • Xbox 360: $120.00 from your local thrift shop.
  • Xbox Live: $1.00 for every day you use it.
  • Xbox Headset: $110001 for every FUCKING time you use it with Xbox Live.
  • Arcade games: From $1 to $10.
  • 500 Microshaft points: $10.00 per point, 100 points required to buy a single picture pack.
  • Xbox Live Diamond card: $2000 a year
  • Xbox Games: $900 each,but $950 with the CD
  • Xbox Hard Drive: $200
  • Xbox Wi-Fi adapter: $200, or another $700 for one that works
  • Using a PC hard drive: $100
  • Xbox Gamer Seat for MLG Fags (Wooden bench with speakers taped to it): $.99
  • Red Ring Of Death: Free
  • Make your eggs in the morning using its heating technology: Free
  • Watching Jimmy cry over the RROD when he finally gets Halo 3: Priceless

The Xbox is also not responsible for the most brutal battle in video game history

XBox Features[edit]

The Xbox360 is installed with several innovative features to generate vast amounts of money for Microsoft from dumb-ass brainwashed American gamers.

  • The console will scratch all you game discs. Included in the console is a complex algorithm to ensures 1 in every 6 disc loads will result in a disk scratched beyond repair, meaning the user has to buy a replacement game. This is beneficial for two reasons. Firstly it generates huge revenue for Microsoft, secondly, it overinflates game sales, making Xbox game sales numbers look great
  • The console itself will come up with a E74 Error, this error means you have to throw the console away and buy a new one, as it's useful lie has expired. This again generates huge revenues for Microsoft and overinflated console sales, making Xbox game sales numbers look great.
  • The Xbox360 comes with a free room central heating system to ensure you room stays at a constant 50 degrees C all your round. Get some coals and some water and your Xbox can be the centrepiece of your very own Swedish style sauna.
  • The heating technology the Xbox comes with is a fantastic way to make your tasty eggs in the morning.

XBox Games[edit]

A typical XBOX 360 game. Originally a football game, this is one of the many games on which Microsoft made last-minute adjustments with Microsoft word (and ms paint for major texture editing) to market it as a FPS.


Red Ring of Death: Bill Gates successfully converted the blue screen of death into a video game console and thus step 9 on there 10 step world domanation plan, ensuring that people would buy it and ignore the flaws
  • Red Ring of Death - One of the xBox's highest selling games, it made Bill Gates a fortune because of a glitch that made the user have to buy a new Xbox 360. However, by this time the player is so addicted to the xBox that they do this repeatedly, until they run out of money, but not stupidity.
  • Red Screen of Death - Instant death to the user. Known to cause nuclear explosions.
  • Midtown Madness 3 - A racing game with absolutely no good plot, crappy car physics, too many jumps, and no cars that will explode.
  • Blank 2: Even More Emptiness - A very successful game, a special edition xBox was created that appeared to be an empty box - mainly because it WAS an empty box. However, YOU still bought it, and actually imagined that you had an advanced game system, because you are completely under Bill's dark, dubious, Michael Jackson-like powers.
  • Fable - Some guy with a crooked nose. Get drunk, get laid, murder, steal. Basically, Grand Theft Auto in the middle ages, except now you have magical powers and can only go strait which makes it so much better.
  • Fable 2 - Now with more hookers and you can play as a bitch.
  • Dead or Alive - Incredibly successful boob-jiggling simulator.
  • Doom II - Developed by Lucifer Software in 1993, a critical error caused any console that tried to play this game to turn into a portal to Hell. Fortunately, the millions of demons that poured through the gateways were all destroyed by one soldier(Gordan Freeman), who started fighting them with only a pistol, but found many conveniently placed weapons, health, and armor pickups, eventually managing to destroy the hordes of demons. However, critics of the game accused him of playing on 'Easy' mode, and many believe he used cheats.
  • Halo 4000 XIII Part Two: The Sequel, Bill Gates Revenge - The same as the first game, just like all the other ones in the series, but with more cheesecake, and more stuff to shoot. Apparently.
  • Mass Effect - Lift Sequences just got a little longer
  • Generic Title - One of the most successful games ever released, it's an insert genre here that features insert character name here fighting insert enemy here for insert faction here at insert location here. Insert plot here.
  • Knight Rider - A shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a man who does not exist.
  • Ninja Gaiden - Ninja simulator in techno-future feudal Japan and a crazy tough fighter chick with huge boobs who totally gets slimed and oiled up.
  • Ninja Gaiden 2 - Ninja simulator with werewolves in techno-future world with a CIA agent with gigantic boobs and little attire. Also, a button to rip the limbs off things.
  • Ninja Gay/bi - Like Ninja Gaiden just with a sexually confused main character who goes around clad in tight leather fighting other men. Is he Gay, Bi, or straight? Wait, so just like the rest of the Ninja Gaiden games?
  • Elderscrolls 5 Fallout: Made from the faulty AI from skynet (Tod howarts) This is the newest installment in the Elder Scrolls Franchise set in the year no one gives a damn about and the story line is about hunting down a hooker who has given you herpes.
  • Viva Pinata: Get murdered by your friends and shot again for good measure, end up in hell and fight for survival and revenge. Oh, you wanted to know about the game? Heck if I know, I'm not buying that piece of crap.
  • GTA 4: Go around in a car and run over, shoot, rape, and toy with pedestrians, while ignoring any and all story line while listening to JNR. Its Jass all the way baby!
  • Windows 95 The video game: A new exciting video game based on the operating system Windows 95. Unfortunately no one has yet been able to install it.
  • Samual L Jackson The Video game: This game was canceled on all other consoles but Microsoft found this one a home
  • Margaret Thatcher the Video game: Play as Maggie and eat children
  • WWE Wrestlemania XXX: Uncut edition: The yearly WWE turd.
  • WWE Chris Benoit Stories: Follow Chris Benoit's career in this game capitalizing on his death
  • Saints row 2- same as gta, but not as good.
  • Gears of war: Shoot people in a tiny arena, over a laggy connection.
  • Jet Set Radio Future: A completely fucked up game where you ride around on roller blades spraying grafitti and taking down rival gangs (amazingly thinking they can take over the world by riding around spraying retarded tags)all the while doing almost physically impossible tricks. Avoid at all costs (which is about $750).
  • gears of war two: just like first game except Smaller and laggier.
  • Harry Potter series (1, 2, 3, 4 and 5): a game nothing like the movies (which in turn is nothing like the books). you run around casting spells no one has ever heard of and fight wierd things like gaytrashes and the final boss: Caramello Koala!!!!1
  • Mortal Kombat VS. DC universe: gayer slightly censored version of all the others. And now ITS CALLED A HEROIC BRUTALITY BITCH!!!!

Floating to the right side of the page using the frame attribute and a caption:

one go on a crappy fighting game and the only K.O you make is on the 360
  • Noel Coward: Loose In the World- This game has not yet been played by anyone because of it being rated "CI": completely impossible. it has this rating because not even Noel Coward can handle himself in a videogame.
  • Black And White 3: Now starring Michael Jackson!!!!

History[edit]

The failure of an Xbox gravity drive system almost destroyed the Earth. However, through lies, propaganda, bribery, hypnotism, and the systematic destruction of all records of the period by letting MS Server 2003 just run and their replacement by clever but false versions, Microsoft managed to call the incident World War II, and pinned the blame on Germany and Hitler, who was actually a nice guy that a lot of people got along with.

But, Infact Hitler was an avid Xbox gamer untill he was blamed for the war which angered him deeply causing him to change to an opposition console, the PS3. This really pissed off Bill gates, making him put Hitler on his top 10 wanted n00bs. Hitler then became a Wii fanatic, which caused him so lose the war.

The console was developed thousands of years ago (and it shows it), by Bill (NERD) Gates. He developed it while he wandered the Earth, Masturbating over hard drives and waiting for computers to develop so that he could corrupt and eventually take over a suitable nerd host. He started out as a kind person, but the agonizing boredom of having absolutely nothing to do but throw rocks at critters while he waited for the modern age eventually drove him to insanity. He started his quest for sick entertainment by designing Windows. Then, he shat out the xBox so that all the people who finally gave up trying to make Tetris work on their PC would buy another of his products to play games on. He built it with an attachment to the remote control that took over your mind if you played it for more than 30 minutes. Symptoms of being one of Bill's mind slaves include poor vision, always using Windows despite the flaws, spending hours on the computer, frequently paying $50 for a game that will only entertain you for a few hours and rationalizing the design flaws by saying it's worth it.


Xbox 360[edit]

“What the hell happened to Xbox 2 until Xbox 359???? ”

~ Captain Oblivious on Xbox 360

“with xbox 360 we wanted to create something to calm gamers down in the very rare case that the console should break, we all know that nothing is more soothing than 3 bright red blinking lights ”

~ Xbox Live's Major Nelson on RRoD

The Xbox 360 is powered by a limp V1.2 engine more commonly used in trabants, hence the suprisingly jet-liner-at-take-off noise made from the console. The console normally takes about 0.30 minutes to start up, but the newest model, (the elite or Turbo Charged edition), only takes a mere 0.20 minutes to boot if additional Uranium isotopes are added for $50 each. Which will cause RROD even quicker.

Logo of Xbox 360: an X, a Box, and a 360-degree circle.

The Xbox 360 was created by Bill Gates after the massive trouncing of the original Xbox by the Playstation 2. He built it because the original Xbox had several critical design flaws that had to be carried over to the "new" console and was unable to torture the player to a satisfactory degree.

They installed Vista in it, replaced the laser that read the disc with a belt sander, and replaced the eject button with a blasting cap hooked up to 2 pounds of C4. The only other noticeable change is replacing both black holes with a single Gravity Drive, that is much more unstable, and would take out the entire planet when it fails. The price was doubled to make up for this "technological" "advance", and then it was put into a new case that made people think it was improved. Each Xbox 360 comes with a free game called Red Ring of Death, which monitors the time you play and causes the Gravity Drive to overheat after a month - at most - of use or disuse. A simple to show you how it works:

“This is awesome! ”

~ Henry Bellinger on Xbox 360

Modding an Xbox[edit]

A modified Xbox 360

Reading, or even looking at the title of this section has violated the terms of your end-user license agreement and has given Bill Gates the right to burn down your house, slaughter family, sexually assault your dog/dead grandmother, replace your internal organs with molten lead, and use the attachment that came with your Xbox to enslave your soul and send it to Microsoft headquarters, where it will be corrupted and bound inside an Xbox for eternity in the shape of a virtual boy named milo. Remember, only YOU can prevent the heretics from destroying Microsoft's empire. And don't forget your daily send-all-income-to-Gates ritual, or you will burn in hell for eternity. Have a nice day! And remember, Microsoft and Bill Gates are your friends!

The Xbox Reality[edit]

A test subject after playing xbox.

Ever since this silly, trivial murder death killing device came out, including the earlier versions of this brain-numbing waste-of-time-and-money children and adult men have promised parents and partners that they will only play a little, and not let it take over their lives. This is of course a lie. In fact the "xBot" is designed to suck the player's brain out through their ears and leave nothing but empty space behind. This is why players can sit staring at games for some hours without a break..... Untill it RRODs. Some scientists believe the effect Xboxes have on players is a stronger form of brainwashing than used by Nintendo, religious cults such as Heaven's Gate and/or Scientology. Developers have placed a warning label on every box warning that after playing this device you will want to vote Master Chief for president.

Little Known Facts[edit]

1. Acording to kids who play xbox and get asked by their parents to get off, "Xbox makes you skinnier because you work your fingers out".

2. Most kids who play xbox that get asked by their parents to get off are obese.

3. 94% of people who play xbox are kids yelling in the mic "boom headshot" "I pwn you noob ahahaha"



Footnotes[edit]