Y'Hadda Wee-Wee!

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"Ah, the Walking Penis"

Y'Hadda Wee-Wee! is an upcoming feature film by Michael Cimino which has been in developmental hell for the past 26 years.


A young Italian-American hood has to choose between the street life and the straight life. His momma is watching out for him too. But his hand will be forced when a strange woman at the local funfair tells him to beware of a strange man looking for a favour. Meanwhile a European immigrant travels to America to find success. But his quest takes on a deeper meaning when we find out a shocking secret from his past. Maybe to do with loss? Of a brother? To DEATH? Who knows...

"They'll print anything these days"


Nicolas Cage as Ray-Ray Baguetta, a 17 year-old tearaway youth with mob aspirations and a criminal record, but in spite of it all has a heart of gold.

Ellen DeGeneres as Apheon Baguetta, Ray-Ray's loving mother. She makesa nice pasta sauce as well. Cent'anni!

Pierce Brosnan as Colby Klurth. A fish-out-of-water Latvian immigrant, aged 29, who has embarked upon an epic journey to find freedom, only to enter a bagel-eating contest... with dramatic results!

"Prospect Place Willy?"

Whoopi Goldberg as Momma Winkle (33), a wise gypsy woman with a junk habit to feed and a newborn baby to neglect.

David Duchovny as Sancerro Rossi, the head of the Atlanta Mafia, still only 26, who is out to exploit Ray-Ray.

Vin Diesel as Hugo (19), a mute hitman with a love of torture and penguins. Goes to Seaworld twice in the movie.

Morgan Freeman as the narrator. Narrates the film. For narrative purposes. Aged 35.

Casting & Pre-Production[edit]

In 1983, Cimino met with various casting directors to discuss how best to select the right actors for this project. Originally, Cimino wanted Harrison Ford in the lead role; however, as budgetary issues delayed production for the next decade, it was felt that 52 year old Ford was slightly too "experienced, not old, no way" to play an Italian teenager. He was promptly replaced by Cage, fresh from his amazing performance in Captain Sicilli's Amazing Technicolour Face Transplant. To celebrate, Cage had a wank that night, widely believed to focus on a Deliverance-style fantasy.

Brosnan was cast after Cimino arrived back from 1995 as part of a time warp correction, impressed with the Irishman who had played the two iconic roles of James Bond and the Lawnmower Man. Cimino was unaware of Brosnan's additional singing talents; however, this turned out to be a nice surprise on set when he was treated to a rendition of Tina Turner's Goldeneye, in a Meath accent.

The planned tone of the film was to change over the years. Originally Cimino wanted a Porkys-style comedy; however, after the National Lampoon's films audiences were growing tired of seeing spotty nerds slobbering over a pair of tits. After flirting with the idea of an erotic thriller, Cimino changed the film to a rites-of-passage tale. Unfortunately this idea was nixed when Whoopi Goldberg compained that she hadn't understood Stand By Me, and had actually wanted River Phoenix to die, believing him to be evil, for some reason.

Eventually the director and cast agreed to make a science-fiction film. When John Travolta star of Battlefield Earth warned them not to, they changed their minds in 1995, preferring an ensemble heist movie with lots of sharp dialogue about niggers and the huge penis on Madonna. Then the studio sacked them all.

It will now be an independent release, and is scheduled to begin filming in June 2013, for a December 2016 release. Soundtrack by specially formed supergroup Y'Hadda Hear-Hear, made up of pianist Axl Rose, dustbin clanger Lars 'I'm a fucking colossal cockface, and also a resolute gayer' Ulrich and rapper Quentin Tarantino.


It's a shit film, so don't look out for it.