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“Yarm is why there isn't any unicorns around these days.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Shit places that may or may not exist.

The main asset of Yarm is its inhumane smell. This monstrous concoction of car fumes, public lavatory waste and horse manure is so strong that the town has become a world leader in nasal cavity deficiency surgery.

The last recorded mayor was Alan Network Ш, but whether he is still in power is debatable. This is because his office is so smelly no-one can get into it without suffering a violent death. However, whether alive or dead, the (late) mayor’s recent decisions have been very controversial. These include the decision to prevent fully fledged bulls visiting china shops, the decree banning hot air balloons from using the toll tunnel and the law outlawing chariots using cycle lanes.

More recently, however, he has taken to introduce obvious laws, including banning pedestrians from pedestrianised zones due to risk of clean air and freedom, the outlawing of shops from the high street for fear of commercial exploitation and the decapitating of the town’s elderly goats as their brains look good on his mantelpiece.

No-one will protest against the mayor directly for fear of aggravating his pet goldfish, Mark, the town’s unofficial idol, or encountering his rumoured 3 foot gallstones. The one time someone questioned the mayor’s ability he ended up on a cross with nails through his hands and feet.

Yarm has many attractions for the elderly, namely the gas showers, the euthanasia clinic and the bottom of the river.

The town hall toilets are frequently voted the most depressing and uninspiring place in the world. However, I find the Stadium of Light worse.

The most famous landmark in Yarm is undoubtedly the secret underground garden centre, which attracts 67,392,911 people over its threshold every year. It is situated under the Cross Keys pub, which sometimes poisons people with a cyanide flavour Bacardi Breezer. They then send them down a chute to be chopped up for fertilizer. This procedure has been banned from most areas of Stockton, but not Yarm because of the minor hindrance of having to access the mayor’s office to find the paper needed to pass this law.

Last year 62 of the town’s residents grouped together to form YAKS (Yarm Anti-Ku Klux Klan Society), These have been influential in many democratic issues, including the breakthrough legislation which led to police seizing all class C pop albums (Cliff Richard, Busted, Rolf Harris etc.)

YAKS have since been considered a terrorist threat by the Billingham, Norton and Essex areas. Yarm, however, is not afraid of them as the mayor had them all gunned down on Bloody Thursday.

However, in spite of all these acts of senseless violence, the common belief is that the most pointless event to occur in Yarm was the cleaning of the public toilets. This was attempted once, but after 16 2/3 cleaners died of asphyxiation the attempt was abandoned.

Last year a survey of Yarm’s residents showed that 72% of them didn’t answer surveys. Once questionee added “I would act violently to anyone who asked me to fill in a questionnaire.”

The same survey also showed the preferred method of transport is the Viking longboat and the favourite colour of kitchen spatula is purple.

Possible future developments include a massive retractable roof to protect from acid rain and a kangaroo lane on the roads to accommodate Australian tourists.