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Yellowknife is Das Kapital of Canada's Northwest Territories, with a population of 18,700. 10,000,000 bottles of whiskey, and 10 albinos. Many consider their snowmobiles part of the family too, although most of them are Yamaha and they are politically insignificant as there aren't any Japanese politicians to vote for (except during the annual mating season when hundreds of Japanese migrate and travel deep into the forest in hopes of catching some of that heavenly radiation (aka Northern Lights) so that their children will be hopelessly deformed...or rather more deformed).


Yellowknife has no local industry. People just huddle in their snow banks waiting for the two weeks of summer that Satan promised them. The whiskey keeps them warm and it provides good exercise when they stumble home for hours after a good bush party. Nobody owns any property. The snowbank that you pass out into is your new home, at least until next Saturday when the fun starts all over again.

The city is connected to civilization via a 2,000 nautical mile super luge-way which was built in 1912 by settlers who really wanted to get out of Yellowknife. No airplanes are allowed to visit Yellowknife, as the dog-sledding mafia has a monopoly on all transportation in the north. If you want to visit Yellowknife, make sure you dress for a 54 day sled rides.

Tourist Attractions[edit]

If you want something fun to do while in Yellowknife, go down to the Gold Range Bar and try to get yourself into a knife fight. Or you can go look for diamonds. They are literally all over the place and the natives have no problem with outsiders coming in to take their lovely products. The town is now (as of October 20, 1982) part of the Canadian Armed Forces tactical training area. At first, town citizens were afraid they might be maimed or killed by Canadian military technology, but nobody has ever been known to die from projectile toonies and Canadian Tire money paper-cuts.


Some say that Yellowknife was founded on gold mining, but the Indians claim they started the town in 500,000 BC when a Mormon prophet called John 'Smithy' Smith Junior the First came to dig up an ancient tablet on the shores of Great Slave Lake. Instead he found arsenic - very healthy deposits of arsenic - and Yellowknife was born. The Mormons mined the arsenic and sent it to Utah in the beaks of seaguls to wipe out the locusts and The Blob.

Nobody mines arsenic anymore and some say they never did and some will also say that the Mormons never existed (wishful thinking), but what is definitely known for sure is that nobody ever visits Yellowknife.