Yes (band)

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Yes frontman Jon Anderson often performs fish-slapping rituals in concert.

“Going for the one!”

~ Jon Anderson on album sales

Yes is an immensely significant and universally recognized Progressive rock band that formed in London in 1968 after an unsuccessful career as a word in the English Dictionary. This relatively unknown incarnation of Yes failed because such a word is entirely unnecessary, and was seen by many as over-the-top and self indulgent. Yes music relies heavily on the use of dynamic and harmonic variation, and often incorporates time signatures that are yet to be mathematically proved. The band are also known for their extended song lengths, incomprehensible lyrics and general showing off. Their unique style of blending symphonic/classical structures with their own brand of cacophonous musical tomfoolery has been described by many as over-the-top and self indulgent. Despite daily lineup changes, warfare within the group and the ever-changing trends in popular music, the band has continued on for over forty years and still retains a large following.

The Origins[edit]

Since the release of Corporal Salt and the invention of progressive rock, being popular was seen as unfashionable. A new generation of musicians, under strict orders from Lucy in the Sky, began creating very aurally demanding music, which was for some reason described as progressive. Yes was no exception. In 1968, Jon Anderson (Vocalist, washboard player, whale-poacher and part-time midget) met Chris Squire (tall guy) in an underground London khatru, and the pair soon discovered they shared an interest in psychedelic noodling. A band was then formed, with the addition of Peter Kay; a young pianist with a phobia of the mellotron, Bill Bruford, a man with completely unsynchronised perceptions of rhythm, making jazz drumming the only realistic career choice, and a remarkably unimportant guitarist.

The early days in the studio were tough times for Yes. After 8 months spent trying to write music, Jon Anderson realised he didn’t have a pen. As a result of this, a method of recording was developed called “Sound Chasing” where the five members (except for Bill Bruford who didn’t have a sound chasing warrant because he wasn’t a musician) would run around the studio chasing after the reverberations of whoever was recording next door and try to capture the sounds in a bucket. Of course this didn’t work; they were using the wrong kind of bucket. Jimmy Page on the other hand, had a particularly good bucket and was able to build an entire career out of other people’s songs.

Atlantic record executive Nostradamus predicted that the two bands who would be the most successful were Yes and Led Zeppelin, and signed them immediately. As usual he was correct.

Yes[edit]

1. Beyond And Right Before Prog / 2. I Flee You / 3. Yesterday And Last Tuesday Before Tea / 4. Sleeping Around / 5. Gerald Bland / 6. Every Little Thing she does is magic / 7. Sweetener / 8. Fur Rival

In 1969 Yes released Yes. The imaginatively titled debut was a huge success for the band, compared to previous albums. This album fails to capture what is now recognised as the classic Yes sound, but fans of the band (many of whom have hearing difficulties) insist that this early period is often overlooked amongst Yes’s later efforts, especially as the running time of the entire album is shorter than the average later Yes song. Peter Kay refused to play anything but his Hammond C3 organ during these early stages because of his alleged fear of other keyboard instruments, (known formally as Claviphobia), however this is possibly an excuse for the production budgets the band were given at the time, which only allowed for one keyboard.

Time And A Word[edit]

1. No Rhythm Necessary, No Drummer Needed / 2. The Song Ends When? / 3. Everydays(I Have The Prog) / 4. Wet Dreams / 5. The Prophet 5 / 6. Beer Days / 7. Astro Traveler / 8. Wine And A Turd

Soon afterwards the orchestral Time And A Word was released, with a similar reception. "That guitarist" was present during these sessions, although the addition of an orchestra created tensions, as they were stealing all of his parts. Aggravated, the guitarist decided enough was enough, and began throwing khatrus at the other band members. Anderson eventually made the effort to learn the guitarist’s name so he could fire him formally: Tony Banks was promptly kicked out of Yes, and went on to pursue a career in the Police force. He was then fired by Sting for having no talent. This wasn’t an issue when he was later approached by Genesis, and became their keyboard player.

The Classic Yes Period[edit]

Upon entering the 70s, Yes were confronted by Atlantic and told to come up with an album that a) didn’t cost the record company thousands of pounds in plagiarism repayments, and b) had some accessible material on it. If they didn’t, Atlantic would hire terrorists to assassinate each member of the band using their respective instrument. Having taken this on board, the band hired Steve Howe as their new guitarist, who had just retired from being The Messiah. He couldn't decide if he wanted to play Jazz, Rock or Classical music, and he couldn't choose between lead and rhythm guitar, so he decided to play them all at once. The world famous Howe sacrificed his popularity to join Yes, and together the new line-up began to create some very accessible 10 to 25 minute songs.

Steve Howe’s arrival led to a new Yes sound, whilst his ability to clap jeopardised Bill Bruford’s position as occasional drum hitter. Furthermore, his tendency on stage to lapse into 5 hour guitar solos gave the other members a welcome break. Jon in particular harnessed this free time by meditating back stage, and achieved enlightenment every night. After an entire tour of this however, he claimed to be so bored with it that he went away and wrote some lyrics warning Buddhists that it “just isn’t what it’s cracked up to be”. These musings would resurface in the song Close To The Edge.

The Yes Albatross[edit]

1. Yours Has Been Replaced / 2. Crap / 3. Storm Trooper / 4. I've Slapped All Good People / 5. A Denture / 6. Perpetual Line-up Change

The Yes Albatross was regarded as the band’s first step into the world of all things progressive (not only music, but also progressive stage shows, progressive album art, and progressive hair). It is also known for chronicling Yes’s first extended song- Yours Has Been Replaced, which was dedicated to all the past (and future) Yes members who would be bullied out of the band. Peter Kay didn’t twig until halfway through a live performance of the song that he was their next intended victim. Mid-song, he clambered out of his keyboard corner, tried and failed to insert Squire’s bass into Squire, and ran out of the fire escape in search of a mellotron-free life. He now resides in Siberia, unaware that the Khatrus are plotting his assassination as we speak.

Easily Broken was the first Yes album to feature the artwork of alien-landscape painter Roger Dean who is an alien. He later invented the Yes logo, and now inadvertently owns all the rights to the word Yes. He is paid 5 khatrus every time the word is used in any context.

Easily Broken[edit]

1. Round Of Gout / 2. Cans And Brahms Just Clap Yer Hands / 3. We Have High-pitched Vocal Hell / 4. South Side Of That Guy / 5. Five Percent For Not Leaving / 6. Bong Fishstick Runaround / 7. The Gash / 8. Moody For A Day / 9.Set the controls for the Heart Of The Sunrise

In late 1971, Easily Broken was released (aka: the one with that song on it that some people have actually heard of, but not very many, and even they can’t remember what it’s called). This album would contain some of Yes’s most well known works. It featured the song Roundabout, which was the band’s second radio hit (the first resulted in a broken radio). After the departure of Peter Kay, keyboard wizard Rick Wakeman joined Yes and provided some unnecessarily fast keyboard runs and unnecessarily blonde hair. Unfortunately Wakeman suffers from “I Must Play as Many Different Keyboard Instruments as is Physically Possible during This Song” disorder, the exact opposite of what Peter Kay had. This further defined the Yes sound, which was now more progressive than evolution itself.

A shortage of prog material led to the decision that each band member should contribute a solo piece to Easily Broken. The prospect of five songs that would theoretically be only 1/5th as progressive as the other pieces on the album was promising for the record company, but it appeared that the band had gone from one extreme to another (Bill Bruford’s 30 second’s Of Nonsense has been known to provoke seizures amongst listeners, even those who actually LIKE progressive music).

By the Border[edit]

1. Close To The Fridge(I:The Solid Lyme Of Mange/II:Total Fat Retain/III:I Get Up,I Get Beer/IV:Seasonings Of Spam) / 2. And Me And I(I:Cord Of Amp/II:Nipslips/III:The Creature,The Bitcher/IV:Apocalypse Not In 9/8 Thank God) / 3. Siberian Fukyu

Total Mass Genocide: Chris Squire is known for using his custom made, triple-barrelled killing machine for destroying any Khatrus he sees.

After another tour and a month or five in the studio chasing sounds, Yes unveiled their masterpiece, By the Border. This album famously took a long time to release because of creative differences within the band. Jon Anderson had written some lyrics about Siddhartha’s struggle against enlightenment, but when he asked the other band members to contribute music; none of them were particularly interested. Steve Howe was busy interviewing a goldfish for inspiration (see Stories From Geographic Seas), whilst Chris Squire, the only other creative force in the band, had gone on holiday to Siberia (where he inadvertently killed an entire population of khatrus by playing his bass well). Wakeman and Bruford spent most of the sessions eating curries and discussing the meaning of life, which made them both very depressed. This led to the departure of Bill Bruford, who was far too pessimistic to be in a band called Yes. He has since written an autobiography, which is filled entirely with witty comments regarding his awful time in the band.

“Five percent for nothing...”

~ Bill Bruford on royalties

Anderson meanwhile, completed all the music to By The Border by recording the sounds made in the forest where he was born. This resulted in a challenging album, but one which was ultimately praised by fans of Prog Rock for it's innovation and originality. The lyrical additions made by the popular Star Wars character Yoda were particularly well-recieved, allowing listeners to finally make sense of Anderson's complex wordings.

Yessongs[edit]

“The space bar broke”

~ Yes on Yessongs

The Ultra Progressive Era[edit]

Tales With Pornographic Motions[edit]

1. The Revealing Violence Of Cod / 2. The Remembering Capacity Of Goldfish / 3. The Ancient: Giants Under My Bum / 4. Ritual (Nous sommes a la poisson)

Whilst working on Yessongs, Jon Anderson read the book Autobiography of a Yoda, and during one evening of the tour, he created an hour and twenty minutes of lyrical prog heaven. The four ambitious pieces featured on the double album, each one lasting longer than a papal election, contain some of the most controversial lyrics in the history of everything. After limited success interrogating the goldfish, Steve Howe decided to add music, completing the mega-project. Each 20 minute suite was based on a different fish-related spritual path.

The album has been criticised as an example of the worst excesses of prog rock. Drastic measures were taken to ensure that the creation process was of maximum quality; no musical stone was left untouched. For example, the entire studio was at one point completely submerged underwater at a monumental cost, to allow the band members more breathing space. And, in an attempt to counter Rick Wakeman's decreasing enthusiasm for the project, Anderson ordered for the construction of an en-suite brewery; which itself only lured the keyboard player back in for enough time to complete the first song. The album was known under the working title “Marmite”.

Jon’s lyrics for Tales are loosely based on the novel “Autobiography of a Yoda”, hence why they don’t make any sense.


“Marmite is one of those foods that everybody either loves or hates, but in reality most people hate it. Our album was like that.”

~ Alan White, Yes’s very honest new drummer on Tales With Pornographic Motions.

“I fucking hated it.”

~ Rick Wakeman on Tales With Pornographic Motions.

“It does go on a bit.”

~ Chris Squire on Tales With Pornographic Motions.

“Dawn of light lying between a silence and sold sources, Chased amid fusions of wonder, in moments hardly seen forgotten...”

~ Jon Anderson in his Tokyo hotel bed on mushrooms ordering a curry.

The album was pre-ordered in bulk, a move that was regretted later by both casual and hard-core fans. Being predominantly made up of land-based mammals, Yes listeners were unable to connect with the amphibiously-themed material. But Stories From Geographic Seas had reached number one on the album spot before such issues were realised, resulting in a further stream of rock excess, this time financially. Not only were Yes on the verge of bankrupcy after consuming all the Earth's oil resources for their gargantuanly-proportioned plastic stage scenery, but they had also succeeded in draining the entire Atlantic ocean of fish for their portable stage-aquariums and indulgent dietary habits.

During the tour of Geographic Seas Rick Wakeman was discovered eating a chicken tikka masala and downing pints of beer halfway through The Revealing Science Of Cod, a strictly fish-orientated song. The other band members were highly offended by this blasphemous act, especially as it ruined the atmosphere of Howe’s spiritual cod-summoning guitar solo. Wakeman was promptly fired, and the rest of the band finished the song.

Relayer[edit]

1. The War Against No [inc. Sued] / 2. Beer Chasers / 3. To Be No-ver

Following another successful tour and with Swiss keyboard-slapper Patrick Moraz on board, Yes set to work on Relayer, an album themed around war, sound chasing and war. Communication with Moraz was difficult because, through choice, he only spoke Swiss and Chinese Mandarin. Yes masterwork The War Against No chronicles the ongoing battle that waged between Yes and their arch nemesis No, a hugely successful and talented pop-group from a parallel universe. This band were memorable for their short, accessible songs, simple lyrics, and nobody ever getting fired. In contrast, this new Yes song lasted longer than the entire holocaust and can be distinctly split into three main sections. Part 1 is the prelude, and describes the opposing Yes and No forces gearing up for war. Part 2, the instrumental battle section, is the most hectic piece of music in existence (other than Manic Monday which is just wild). This section is in fact, so excruciatingly grotesque and full of gore, that 11 individuals have actually died of repulse listening to it, including one man who played it at full volume and simply exploded. Part 3, Sued, was released as a single to promote Yes winning the completely metaphorical war and suing No for plagiarism.

After Patrick Moraz refused to trim his perm, Yes re-employed ex-keyboard player Rick Wakeman to assassinate him with his keytar.

Following the release of Relayer, the five Yes members temporarily went their separate ways to release solo albums; each one a concept album about one member's hatred for another (conincidentally, four of these were aimed at Jon Anderson). This career move resulted in rumours of a band break-up, forcing the group to tour together with an understandably awkward set list featuring the respective rants of each member. Soon afterwards, Patrick Moraz began to feel isolated due to the persistant language barrier between him and his bandmates, to the point where he could no longer control his hairstyle. Keen to replace the unreliable keyboard player, Anderson contacted Vangelis, but was even more dissapointed when the greek keyboard player turned him down (due to conflicts with Yes touring dates and his strict weight-loss programme). Then in a strike of luck, Rick Wakeman made himself available once more...

Wakeman Returns[edit]

Going For The Bum[edit]

1. Going For The Bum / 2. Burn Of The Century / 3. Parallels,Batman Smells,Robin Laid An Egg / 4. Blunderous Stories / 5. Uh-fakin'

After Rick Wakeman kindly removed Patrick Moraz from the picture, Yes tempted him back into the band with unlimited drugs and progressive hookers. They then travelled to Switzerland to dodge taxes, record a new album, and stamp on Moraz's grave. These sessions were famously tough on the band, who worked so hard that they only managed to fit in 7 hours of skiing each day. Steve Howe in particular, felt uneasy about Wakeman's return and turned to transcendental meditation for stress relief. The music on Going For The Bum was as excessive as before though, with a real church organ being used on the epic track Awaken. This was sent down a phone line back to the studio, but Anderson said the quality was terrible. The Swiss Government were so offended that the entire country’s phone lines were uprooted and subsequently improved. The enormous cost of this venture was then confirmed unnecessary when Anderson revealed he was actually talking about the quality of Wakeman’s keyboard playing, not the quality of the phone line.

No one is quite sure why they went for the bum...

“This is the same guy that wrote fucking Stories From Geographic Seas! How he can criticize my "blindfolded key-spanking technique" I do not know.”

~ Rick Wakeman on Jon Anderson

What followed was a series of unimportant Yes recordings that nobody knows a lot about.

Tormato[edit]

1. Future Albums/Reconsider / 2. Don't Fuck The Whale / 3. Sadwiggle / 4. Pee-crease Release / 5. Incoming Flying Saucer / 6. Circus Of Hell / 7. Bongward / 8. On The Violent Schwings Of Tweedom

Tormato began the slow path of commercial decline for Yes, selling poorly because of a new wave of punk and disco bands such as Punk Floyd and Led Synthesizer, who were beginning to dominate the music scene. The single Don’t Kill The Whale (later renamed "Don’t Kill Any Sea-dwelling mammals" due to legal threats) was Yes’s attempt to show people that they cared about the environment and become more popular with the public, who still thought Yes was just a word in the dictionary. The other tracks were unmemorable however. Songwriting disputes had become more frequent and very little worthy material ended up on the record, which was dominated by keyboards such as the unreliable birotron and the untrustworthy polymoog.

Approximately 3 people listened to Tormato upon it's release. And it is generally believed that two of these people were Atlantic record executives (who were locked in a room with a whale and forced to listen to it on loop for a year). Such a small audience led to the resignation of Rick Wakeman, again, but this departure was one of many that year week, so nobody thought much of it. What shocked the band more, was Jon Anderson himself deciding to leave; creating a massive gap in the Yes sound, and a subsequently larger gap in the Yes bank account.

Desperate times called for desperate measures, and replacement members were soon found, next door.

Karma[edit]

1. Vending Machine Pariah / 2. Kite Czar / 3. Does It Really Stand For That? [Yes] / 4. I Am A Chimera / 5. Run Through Those Chords Once More... / 6. Helpus Fuggeddaboutit

In 1978, Jon Anderson famously left Yes to give the others a break, and began recording with Vangelis and his bitch. Rick Wakeman also left, deciding to only be a member of the band every other Wednesday. When the shoes of these two key elements of Yes were filled by Trevor Horn and Geoff Downes (formally of Buggles fame, and before that a comedy duo), all the remaining members could do was accept the seemingly random change. Downes was commended for his humourous anecdotes about being in a mediocre pop band with a "glasses-wearing freak", but his keyboard playing left a lot to be desired. In fact, the immenseley superior guitar playing of Steve Howe caused problems for him; his brain could not cope with progressive rock. About half way through the Karma tour his hands fell off against his will, leaving him unable to play. As a result, he left the band, forcing his comedy partner Horn to leave as well.

As if this wasn't bad enough, Steve Howe himself then decided to leave (he had won a scratch-card holiday to Asia). Now only two members remained, the omnipresent Chris Squire and his sidekick Alan White, who due to the lack of a personality, followed the bass player around non-stop. Squire was irritated at the rapid disintegration of Yes, and the fact that 90% of the band's Uncyclopedia article was simply a description of the constant line-up changes. He spent some time thinking and eventually came up with a solution.

Yes is no more[edit]

Yes did not exist for 3 years because Chris Squire needed some time to think.

Rebirth[edit]

In early 1982, Chris Squire arranged a secret meeting with a South-African in a cave nowhere near Croydon. This South-African was called Trevor Rabin; he was a multi-instrumentalist known for generating endless streams of no. 1 singles. Just what Squire needed. They discussed plans for a project together, which they originally intended to call Cinema. But this name was scrapped instantly because it was shit. So, after many hours discussing where Yes had gone wrong all these years, they made the bold decision to do what Genesis considered a last resort. They turned to 80s pop.

The music video to Owner Of A Lonely Heart is somewhat disturbing, to say the least...

90125[edit]

1. Owner Of A Lonely Hearts Club Band / 2. Hold On To Your Cash / 3. Success Can Happen? / 4. More Line-up Changes / 5. Cinnabon Orgy / 6. Leave It To Overproduced Vocals / 7. Our Bong / 8. Kitty Of Love / 9. Owner Of A Lonely Heart (reprise)

With Steve Howe continuing to make friends in Asia, and the other ex-Yes members nowhere to be seen, Squire introduced Trevor Rabin as the new guitarist and principle songwriter. Alan White retained his role as Chris Squire's "bitch", and the pieces were now in place for a new band and a new sound. But Rabin feared that his singing was so good it would make the other virtuosos look inferior, so he made one final phone call.

When Vangelis answered the phone and immediately plugged Jon Anderson's availability, the new Yes was complete. The pieces were now in place for a new band and a new sound. But Rabin feared that his keyboard playing was so good it would make the other virtuosos look inferior, so he made one final phone call.

After recovering from his fear of the mellotron, ex-ex-ex-keyboard player Tony Kaye agreed to return. The pieces were now in place for a new band and a new sound. But Rabin feared that his production skills were so good that the record might not be commercial enough, so he made one final phone call to the glasses-wearing Trevor Horn, who would produce the new band.

Indeed, 90125 would literally sell millions, launching the group into a familiar cycle of excess and fortune that would again only last for a couple of years. Yes got into a pattern of making a new album whenever their previous profits had ran out.

Large Mechanism[edit]

1. Rhythm Of Chav / 2. Gigantic Device / 3. Shoot Horn, Aim For The Head / 4. Almost Dyke Love / 5. Horn Will Find A Way / 6. Final Fantasy / 7. Horn's Running / 8. Holy Cow!

Following the success of such simple music, the album that followed was equally mainstream. Large Mechanism was a laborious album to make. It took Yes nearly two years to build the machine itself, which was built to save time writing songs; the enormous device would produce a random series of electronic sounds known formally as 80s music. This noise-generating method was much more efficient than sound chasing, as no effort or talent was required by any member of the group.

Jon Anderson was dissatisfied with the Horny songs on the album and was beginning to yearn for more traditional Yes music. He told the others about an idea for a 20-minute epic about a Khatru who climbed to the summit of Scarfell Pike and had a spiritual awakening, using only the chords of Bb Minor and F# Major Seventh played on a giant didgeridoo with an accompanying banjo that was put through a Leslie Speaker. Trevor Rabbi said he can shove that idea “right up his arse”. Anderson’s inability to recognise figures of speech resulted in a hospitalised khatru and a mentally scarred banjo. This in turn led to his departure from the group, and the formation of Anderson Bruford Wakeman Howe, a progressive barbershop quartet.

Onion[edit]

1. I Wouldn't Have Waited For Trevor / 2. Shock To My Sister / 3. Massacre / 4. Put Me Down! / 5. Without Dope You Cannot Start The Day / 6. Saving My Dart / 7. Sensation Of Being Alive / 8. Silent Porking / 9. The More We Play, The More We Dissapoint / 10. Angkor Wat-the-fuck?! / 11. Dangerous [Look Behind The Sofa For What You're Searching For] / 12. Holding On To Our Fans / 13. Pointlessly Short / 14. Take The Water To The Robert Plant

Onion Yes.jpg

By 1991, both Yes and Anderson Bruford Wakeman Howe were becoming less and less rich, and eventually the two separate parties gave in and amalgamated in the great big orgasmic jam session that was Onion. Continuing the root vegetable theme that began with Portato, Onion is the first and only album to feature the super-deluxe-mega-Yes line up. ABWH decided to team up with “SRWK?” and resurrect Yes; this was the band’s 175th reunion. The advantages of having an 8 member band include more disputes, more songs, and tonnes more fat juicy ego. However, the full 8 members were only together during the mammoth tour that followed; the songs on the album were actually recorded in two separate locations, and then drenched in the capable hands of some 200 underpaid session musicians. Trevor Rabbi was responsible for the 90s pop/rock sound that was applied on the album with the logic that it might put Bon Jovi out of business. Trevor is now bankrupt and John Bon Jovi, although an inherent twat, continues to please middle-aged women with his gigantic penis.

Yestalk[edit]

1. Appaling / 2. I Am Mating / 3. Meal Love / 4. State Of Ray / 5. Another Brick In The Walls / 6. Where For Art Thou? / 7. Endless Cream I: Bed Springs / 8. Endless Cream II: Sex / 9. Endless Cream III: Endless Nightmare

But in the 90s Trevor was still taking leadership of Yes, and simple song writing was just what he required to make Steve Howe cry. Themed around Jon Anderson’s often incomprehensible language and general manner of speaking, Yestalk was as fun to listen to as the Queen’s speech. The cover artwork was also as pleasurable to look at as the Queen herself. This colourful effort (which was sent in by Peter, aged 5) was far better than anything Roger Dean ever came up with, subtly reflecting the collective rationality of Yes at the time.

Yestalk was a huge success. Tony’s versatile approach to keyboards provided a whole range of sounds for the band, whilst Rabin’s authorisation to let the other Yes members write songs helped give the album a sense of variety and charm that previous albums lacked. (Words in Bold interchangable)

The name Yestalk was later adopted for an online forum where fans of the band gather to worship Rick Wakeman’s hair. They also are known for their frequent pilgrimages to Yes concerts, where they attempt to touch the members of the band.

“I hate my member being touched. It feels weird”

~ Chris Squire on being asexual

The 90s Continued[edit]

Open Your Fucking Eyes: We're Not Making Any Money![edit]

1. Few Stable Minds / 2. Ouvrez Vos Yeux, Asshole / 3. Universal Studios / 4. No Gay We Can Lose / 5. Fortune Spender / 6. Man On My Spoon / 7. Wonder Woman / 8. From The Falconry / 9. Shoe Shine / 10. Reptilian Marmaduke / 11.The Solution Isn't Here (beware of extended "nature" solos)

Billy, a 12 year old boy from Sherwood Forest, joined Yes in 1997 to contribute a more “down with the kids" sound (Spice Girls take note). The new album was as youthful as it was catchy. The presence of a 23 minute epic, inordinate swearing content, and a paedophile keyboardist just proves how child-friendly Open Your Fucking Eyes was. And as the title suggests, the band made a huge loss from its release. By this point the 9012Vault was empty of cash, and Yes was becoming less of an asset and more of a hindrance. New recruit Igorkhoroshevvylevvykhatru helped out by financing his own keyboards (hence the use of the Stylophone) and Alan Black agreed to fire himself for a couple of months to save more money; the cost of the album was ultimately totalled at around £1.20. And of course, the artwork is similar to that of the band’s debut, dull.

For reasons unexplained, Steve Howe was chosen as the model for the artwork on The Stair Lift

The Stair Lift[edit]

1. Homeworld: The Bladder / 2. It Will Be A Hooded Gay / 3. Frightening Dykes / 4. Can I Re-release We Have Heaven? / 5. Face To Face With Westlife / 6. If Only You Grew / 7. To Be Alive (Help Yoda) / 8. Finale / 9. The Postman / 10. Новый язык / 11. Nine Over-dubbed Voices [Long-Talker]

Yes were getting pretty old by the time The Stair Lift was released. Howe, Anderson, Squire and Black all required medics to tour with them as heart failure was frequent. Steve Howe died many times and was often resurrected using cheap equipment, contributing to his “mad scientist” look. It was down to Igor (now an official member) and Billy the kid to guide Yes to success. However, after The Stair Lift’s chart position was revealed, the two of them were promptly fired.

Bruce Willis produced the album, but sadly died shortly before its release. It turns out he was brutally murdered by former Yes producers Trevor Horny and "Are You Ready Eddie" Offord. The pair repeatedly attacked him with early Yes records, including one particularly gruesome copy of 90210 that was used to decapitate him. They later formed a comedy duo act known as That Horny and Offord Sound, which featured impeccably produced jokes that weren’t very funny.


Magnification (One Last Try)[edit]

1. Enlargment / 2. Once Again This Amazement At Being Alive / 3. Don't Die / 4. Give Love To Each Gay / 5. Can You Imagine Being Famous? / 6. We Disagree / 7. Ugly As A Pigeon / 8. Bedtime / 9. In The Essence Of [i. Deeper Than Every Deodorant , ii. Death Of Lynx, iii. True Sprayer, iv. Turn Around And Re-apply] / 10. Time Is Most Definately NOT On Our Side!

In 2001, the famous four congregated once more, after Rick Wakeman’s decision to only be in the band every leap year. Despite Steve being older than all of the golden girls put together, Chris being frequently mistaken for Santa Claus, Alan having his own business-related reality TV show, and Jon trying to re-boost his career by appearing on QI (oh wait, that was his brother) the four of them still made the decision to release yet another Yes album. They replaced the indecisive Yes keyboardist with an orchestra, something that hadn’t been done since 1970’s Wime And A Turd, which sold well. The two albums actually feature the same orchestra, continuing the theme of “Nobody who works on this album must be younger than 90 years old”.

--More tours have since followed with various different members of Yes in various combinations that really aren’t that interesting.

Clones of Jon Anderson such as this one, have been spotted touring with Yes recently.

In The Present[edit]

As we speak, Yes are touring Europe, and because of respiratory issues, have replaced Jon Anderson with Belgian porn star Benoît David. David is a prototype clone of Jon, but clearly lacks accuracy in the weight department. His signing voice was sampled from Jon himself and wired into his voicebox, in a world record attempt for the first ever successful human-to-clone voicebox operation. It is rumoured that Chris Squire has fallen in love with him, leading to his permanent membership in the band. Anderson is less than pleased about this. In October he posted on his website a stream of insults directed at the current line-up, and for the first time ever, what he said made perfect sense.

Rick Wakeman has also decided to tour, under the deceptive title Oliver Wakeman. Many foolish people believe that this is Rick’s son because of his apparent age, but Wakeman insists that it is him, and he has been treated with age-reducing bio-mechanical implant surgery. This makes Alan Black the only band member who is still fully human (Steve Howe has none of his orginal face remaining, Chris Squire has a gold left leg, and Benoît David is of course, a robot).

Yes Trivia![edit]

  • Chris Squire is the only member of Yes who has stayed part of the band throughout all its line-ups, incarnations, re-incarnations, and time-space continuums. However, for the purpose of the next joke, this is not true.
  • Alan Black is the only member of Yes who is yet to be fired.
  • If the song Awaken is played backwards the words “fall asleep” can be heard 964 times.
  • Rick Wakeman invented the orchestra hit.
  • Trevor Horn actually plays the horn.
  • Trevor Rabin actually plays the rabin
  • Asia attempted to sue Asia for using their name. After much negotiation, it was decided that the continent was free to use the name as long as they adopted Heat Of The Moment as their national anthem.
  • Igor Khoroshev is a paedophile, but you knew that anyway.
  • Wikipedia states in its trivia section that Alan wrote most of the song In The Presence Of, proving that a drummer writing a song is considered trivial.
  • Steve Howe’s solo piece “Clap” is actually a direct instruction to the audience, which when disobeyed, results in him being in a mood for the rest of the day.
  • Jon Anderson can transform into Pamela, Benny or Clive on demand.
  • No don’t exist.
  • Maybe might exist.
  • Yes do exist (you think I made all this up?!)

See Also[edit]